Spider Wars: Fellowship of the Rouge Stone
by Maphod Teablebrox
Summary: Samwise accusing Potter of PMS? Ewan McGregor holds the One Ring? Maximus on a leash? Strider's big secret? Satine with Gandalf? Obi-Wan nude? There is no excuse for this story.
1. Surprise, Surprise

{{Author's Note: This story has really expanded... lotta people gettin' their foot in on this bad baby, mrehehe. Here's a list of all characters (in no particular order) to The End :::: Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring:: Saruman, Strider, Gandalf, Legolas, Pippin, Samwise, Frodo, Merry. //\\ Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone:: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Snape. //\\ Moulin Rouge:: Christian, Satine, Toulouse, Zidler. //\\ Star Wars: The Phantom Menace:: Qui-Gon Jinn. //\\ Star Wars: Attack of the Clones:: Obi-Wan Kenobi (that's right, with the beard). //\\ Spider-man:: Spidey and the Green Goblin. //\\ Gladiator:: Maximus and Commodus. //\\ The Rocky Horror Picture Show:: Dr. Frank-n-furter. //\\ K-Pax:: Prot //\\ a number of famous actors //\\ ....not to mention a serious concentration of The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.}}  
  
It was a reasonably cool, crisp afternoon.  
  
All things on the planet and all life forms seemed perfectly manageable, normal, and... well, Earthly. Of course Tara was only just awake and looking at herself in the mirror. Nevertheless, it seemed no prelude to greater and more complex things happening in this everyday life of hers. Cleaning the sleepybugs from her large blue eyes as they adjusted to the sunlight, she rose from the bedsheets to yawn and stretch her way to the John.  
  
After the usual morning activities (teeth-brushing, bladder-relieving), she saw to the next order of business: the kitchen. After preparing and digesting two pieces of toast, a buttered bagel, and a bowl of grapes before her mouth could be seen opening, Tara then walked into the living room of the spacious and comfortable apartment she and six-month roommate Chickie Bates shared in New York City.  
  
Belching a few times (and gassing for good measure) she slumped onto the mauve loveseat she and Chickie spent five hours debating over whether or not they should purchase. Ahh.. that whole day was worth twelve nervous breakdowns in the future.. the furniture, the paintings, that funky-looking goat statue Chickie tried to bring home...  
  
In fact, Tara was so busy reflecting on the events of the past year that she failed to notice the sandy lump of robes curled up and breathing softly beside her. Manly white toes poked out from somewhere in the mess, and two pairs of knee-length brown asskicker boots stood neatly side-by-side on the floor.  
  
Oblivious, Tara stood up to open the blinds for the large window at the center of the room. The sun poured in like magic.  
  
Speaking of which... another, smaller lump of breathing matter twitched lightly in a corner, near that god-awful cactus plant Chickie tried desperately to convince Tara out of buying. A broom-shaped item slowly rolled from the sleeping figure, but not even the glittering eagerness of the Nimbus Two Thousand could get Tara's attention.  
  
Around the same time, a large drop of blood pooped quietly from somewhere on the ceiling onto the carpet. It moved in slow motion and made no apparent noise, so no one paid attention.  
  
And as Tara moved out of the living room, she mistook the other long, stretched-out assortment of sandy robes on the bigger couch for a bundle of sheets that Chickie forgot to save... And she also thought the bow-and- arrow, and sleeping silver-haired elf in the corner was just another---- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE...  
  
Tara paused, staring at the far right corner of the room at what appeared to be Legolas the Elf sleeping, in that eerie eyes-wide-open sorta way. But.. Legolas the Elf could NOT be sleeping in her living room. How ridiculous would that be? Tara blinked a few times to make sure it wasn't something caught in her big eyes that always picked up stray dusts and anything else allergenic. She plucked out any leftover eye-juices for reassurance. Nope. The elf, who had been stirring from the racket with the blinds, finally "opened" his already open eyes and stared around, as bewildered as an elf can be.  
  
Tara, doubting her sanity, took a few enchanted steps backwards only to bounce lightly off of a couple of hobbits who were lounging in the hall behind her. She whirled around to meet the tired gaze of fellow big-eyed Frodo Baggins, and the fiesty gaze of Samwise Gamgee beside him.  
  
"WHAT THE..." but Tara hadn't the chance to finish the thought or the sentence, because as she tried to back up, she ran into a gangly white- robed figure who had an unnecessarily long beard and an enormous nose so crooked it resembled a staircase. He was glaring viciously at the hobbits, and kept a suspicious eye on the elf across the room (who had just risen, bow in hand, to pull out a serious Melvin).  
  
"Saruman!" the relieved elf roared, "What sort of evil have you spun us into!"  
  
Tara jerked back in horror as the elf spoke, and dashed madly out the way to curl up and hide in a corner. The hobbits scrambled behind the elf.  
  
Saruman spat and hissed in return, booming, "FOOLISH halfings! Whatever trick this is, you shall not get out of it alive!"  
  
At this, the two figures who had been snoozing on the couches jumped up frantically, each whipping out what appeared to be flashlights-on-steroids that made rabid "humming" noises when waved around. Both coming out of a dreadfully deep sleep, they staggered as they tried to figure out what was going on, and where it was going down. The one on the left spoke first.  
  
"Master, what in the name of madness is this?"  
  
"I do not know, Obi-Wan. Perhaps we have been poisoned. I--" but before he could finish, a short dark-haired boy lightly tapped him on the arm and spoke with a ripe, British accent, "Ex.. Excuse me, sir. I do hate to interrupt, but can you direct me to a bath facility, or some place I might.. you know, sir, relieve myself?" The boy clutched his groin area feverishly.  
  
Qui-Gon stared down at him wordlessly. He then turned back to his apprentice, but stopped himself short. "Obi-Wan!" he exclaimed, as if more perplexed by this new discovery than being in a completely different world surrounded by characters from completely different worlds. "Obi-Wan, you have a BEARD!"  
  
"Master, I do not think that now is the time--" but as the Jedi passed a hand over his freshly fuzzed face, he exclaimed, "Wow! I can't wait to show Master Yoda! Why, he'll be so delighted to hear that I have finally entered puberty!..."  
  
He was cut off by a sharp swishing sound at his side. Before anyone could say "Go Web!" a spindly red and blue figure sped past the Jedi, disappearing into the hall with an echo of squirt-noises.  
  
Each glanced around him, at a complete loss.  
  
"SIR!" a small voice piped up from below, "The bathroom, sir!" No one paid little Harry Potter any attention. Therefore, he skated back off into the corner with the hideous cactus plant and stayed out of everyone's way.  
  
"There is darkness over the land," Legolas chirped, "but this is beyond anything I have ever imagined. Frodo, have you no thoughts on where he has taken us? Where is Gandalf?"  
  
Frodo shook his head timidly, clutching something at his chest. Legolas set an arrow to the bow faster than Tara could whoop down toast and pointed it menacingly at Saruman. "Wizard!" the elf spouted, "You will explain yourself!"  
  
Saruman laughed nastily, but was clearly nervous. "I suppose you think this was MY doing?"  
  
"Now, now!" came Obi-Wan's stern, yet velvety voice. "There is no need to become violent! It is obvious that we have all found ourselves in a situation we can not explain, but it does us no good to make enemies of one another before we have a chance to sort it out."  
  
"Bah!" spat Saruman. "These fools have been my enemy from the start, and will be so until they have died a slow and painful death. Let all those who do not serve the Dark Lord become slaves of his Power, or die for their defiance!" He cast a particularly spiteful look toward the Ringbearer.  
  
Frodo shrinked miserably behind the elf, Samwise quick to his defense. "Now listen here, you crooked, half-starved, nasty old toad! Nobody wanted your opinion in this matter, so I suggest you back up off Mr. Frodo or I'll have to put the smack down!" The bickering continued in the same fashion, only worsening in taste and eloquence, as the characters unwittingly adapted to our own modern world.  
  
In the meantime, Qui-Gon turned to Obi-Wan with an incredulous look on his face. "I do not think this can be resolved in a reasonable manner. There is much anxiety among us. None of us has any idea where we are, why, how, and under who's command. We have a strangely erotic man here with pointed ears and a very dangerous weapon; two half-grown men with the hairiest feet I've ever seen; an emaciated old man who's tremendous ego is only exceeded by the size of his nose; and a little boy.. who is currently relieving himself in that tasteless bit of decor...."  
  
"HEY!!" For the first time, Tara found the cahunas to speak up. "Harry, you will remove your 'potter' from my plant right now!"  
  
The boy was too stunned and embarrassed to continue taking care of business, so he zipped things up and tucked them away, nervously and sheepishly keeping to himself. Beneath those goggles he always wore, however, he gave a very spiteful look.  
  
Everyone turned their attention to the girl in the corner, who slowly climbed to her feet and stared around like she thought staring was going out of style.  
  
"Okay," she said with a shiver, "I'm just going to accept this as a sign that I watch TOO many movies, and that I need to wake up from this awful dream before something especially raunchy happens." At this, everyone gave her a funky look. "I mean, I've just had some really interesting dreams that start off kinda like this," she continued, "and you know, by the end of it, Jedi robes and Elf cloaks cover the bedroom floor, light sabers are being used in ungodly ways, and there's some freaky business in the shower with a broomstick and a ring, and..." She stopped upon receiving awkward stares from the men around her. "Nevermind."  
  
But Frodo was wound like a top at the very mentioning of a "ring." Sam took to fanning him hurriedly before he passed out (again). Legolas held the bow unflinchingly at Saruman, who scratched himself when he thought no one was looking.  
  
"Now listen here," said Tara, convinced she was still in a dream and could do anything she pleased, "I will NOT be persuaded into a leopard-skin thong and Zorro mask like I was last time." She threw a particularly evil look at the Jedi.  
  
"Instead, I'm going to the turn the tables on all of YOU."  
  
They shifted uncomfortably. Legolas held his bow tighter than ever, and the Jedi never loosened their grips on the light sabers. Once or twice Ewan--I mean... Obi-Wan tried to look down and see his own facial growth, but Qui- Gon's eyes never left the girl. Which, while in some small circles may have been arousing, was just downright spooky. There was something unnaturally fierce about this turn of events that made Tara think she was NOT in a dream. Regardless..  
  
"Okay," she began. "First off, everyone knows you're hiding a ring, Frodo, so just relax. Nobody's gonna take it from you around here. Legolas is too protective, and Samwise would rather shoot himself in the face than even dream of it." Frodo's eyes, if at all possible, expanded to twice their size. "And if Saruman here tries to steal it, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn here will chop his head off with their light sabers." The Jedi stared at her in utter disbelief. In fact, they all stared at her with mixtures of amazement and fear. She did seem to know quite a lot. Harry Potter shifted in the corner.  
  
"And YOU, Mr. Harry Potter," she proceeded, "have to promise not to cast any weird spells on anyone, or I swear to god I'll make Voldemort fly from out of nowhere and finish what he started!" Harry became very stiff, rubbing the scar on his head and agreeing. "And by the way, the bathroom is down the hall." Harry scuttled off graciously, towing his Nimbus 2000 broomstick along.  
  
"And as for YOU," she cast a glance toward the Jedi knights, "The bedroom is THIS way...." They didn't move. No one moved.  
  
"Okay," she said indifferently. "Clearly there is a glitch in the system."  
  
No Matrix personnel arrived, which was unusual. Normally when she used the 'glitch' line half the Matrix cast arrived pronto. "No one is listening to me. This is MY fantasy."  
  
Everyone remained silent and motionless. "Oh god. I'm NOT dreaming."  
  
If anything happened after her eyes rolled back and she dropped to the floor, Tara was blissfully unaware. 


	2. Almost Chaos

Later that afternoon, Chickie Bates walked into the apartment fighting with a large tangle of spiderwebs at the doorway. Muttering something about calling an exterminator, she drifted through the hall and into the kitchen. Everything seemed normal enough, although it was strange that Tara not be prancing around to the Quills soundtrack in her loin cloth at this hour. Anyhow, Chickie immediately began rifling through the refridgerator for some sweet relief. Spotting Tara's secret stash of cinnamon bon-bons, she quickly stuffed them into her shirt for safekeeping. A loud smacking noise caught her attention, and she was paralyzed for a moment thinking Tara would catch her red-handed. Slowly closing the fridge door, Chickie almost peed her pants when she saw the person standing behind it.  
  
Giving her a bright-eyed smile, with a piece of bologna-sandwich dangling from his mouth, stood Obi-Wan Kenobi, Attack Of the Clones-style. He nodded his "hello," since his mouth was occupied with the tall glass of milk he was consuming. When finished, a pleasent white mustache decorated his real one. He smiled toothily.  
  
"Hello, there! You must be Chickie Bates. It is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance."  
  
The Jedi Knight extended a hand toward Chickie, enthusiastically shaking hands -for- her, since she was too stunned to function in any way, shape, or form. When he let go, he left a trail of mustard and mayonaise all over. Positively delighted with himself, he gulped down the rest of the milk with a reassuring "ahhh" and put it neatly in the sink. Adjusting his belt with a final grunt, he licked his lips and commenced staring at Chickie much the way she was staring at him. He zoomed in on her, trying to *sense* the Chickieness.  
  
"You seem concerned. Is everything alright?"  
  
Chickie opened her mouth to see if anything would come out. Maybe a bit of drool, but no real words.  
  
"Ah, I see," the Jedi purred between a series of burps, "Well then, perhaps you would feel at ease to see your companion, Tara? We are all gathered in the room down the hall, hoping you might help us to sort things out."  
  
Calm as a cucumber, the Jedi guided the zombified girl to the back of the apartment. A few things immediately came into her mind. 'We?' and... 'What is Ewan McGregor doing in her home!?' Ehhh, who cares?!  
  
Chickie walked stiffly into the room.  
  
On the ceiling, Spider Man clung in a large maze of gooey webs, chit- chatting with Mr. Harry Potter who was floating alongside on his trusty broomstick. In a corner of the room sat Qui-Gon Jinn and Samwise Gamgee, playing a quiet but tense game of magic chess, which Harry taught them earlier. (Neither of them was very interested in playing real Wizard's Chess.) Frodo Baggins and Tara herself were sleeping on the king-sized bed facing opposite directions, but both snoring enthusiastically as if competing. Only Frodo would occasionally kick violently, his face twitching while he'd shout random things like "Gandalf, nooo!" and "Precioussssss..." and "Who's your daddy?"  
  
Saruman was tied up with spiderwebs in a chair, which was nailed to the floor; his mouth duct-taped, and his eye bruised.  
  
Legolas the Elf was outside trying to find some shrubbery to converse with.  
  
Thinking that all this was way too many potatoes for her bowl to handle, Rob-- uh.. I mean.. Chickie abruptly fainted. A couple of cinnamon candies rolled from her torso, plopping all over the floor.  
  
---------  
  
"Well, that doesn't really help us much," Obi-Wan chuckled. "Spidey, would you mind?" At that, Spider Man zig-zagged his way to the floor and scooped Chickie up in his deliciously muscular arms. He lay her down at the foot of the bed, where she would not be assaulted by Frodo's maniacal sleeping habits. She immediately began to awaken, her eyelashes fluttering and her face red as a radish. Spidey took off his mask, his brilliant Tobey Maguire-ish eyes smiling down at her.  
  
"You... you... you're YOU," she muttered, staring into his face, her eyes crossing.  
  
"Yes!" he laughed. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Heaven.... I'm in heaven......" she sang, disoriented. Everyone let out a simultaneous 'awww.'  
  
A loudly disapproving GRUNT! came from the direction of Saruman, who then received a hard toe-stubbing from Samwise.  
  
All of a sudden a very hysterical shriek came from the bed, and Frodo Baggins jumped ten foot high out of a dead sleep.  
  
"EEEEeEEeEek! They're coming to get me, they're coming TO GET ME!" he squealed, trying to climb the bedpost, and marching all over Tara in the process.  
  
In turn, Tara coughed up little hobbit hairballs, grouchy about the rude awakening. "What is all this!!" she squawked, springing to her feet and falling off the bed in a series of 'ummph-gah-biff-ooff-OW's with all the blankets burying her. After a moment, she peered out from under the hill of sheets and saw Qui-Gon Jinn spying her from his spot at the chessboard, where despite his tremendous Jedi-like efforts, he was losing horribly to the practical Samwise. "Careful now!" the Jedi Master chuckled, peeling away the blankets and helping her stand.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo!" came Samwise Gamgee's faithful call, as he ran to his master's aid. Frodo was like a Halloween cat, clinging to Sam's head as every hair on his plump little body stood straight up. "Now, now Mr. Frodo," Sam said soothingly as he carried him away, "it's alright! A nasty dream, that was! Nothing more. Why don't you have a seat and try to relax, now, you're safe with Samwise Gamgee!" Sam cast a particularly sour look at Saruman, and kicked him in the shins for good measure.  
  
It was then that Obi-Wan Kenobi came rushing through the door where he had departed moments ago. A string of cheese was connected from his mouth to a greasy pepperoni on his robes. His lightsaber was at hand, and as he choked down the food in his mouth, he said, "Is something the ((loud belch)) matter?!"  
  
"Everything is alright, Obi-Wan," spoke Qui-Gon, giving his apprentice a rather stern look.  
  
Obi-Wan gulped, trying to appear as respectable as possible. A few peppers hung in his beard. Intense giggling commenced from somewhere above, as Harry Potter swung by the Jedi and flicked the pepperoni off of his shirt.  
  
The pepperoni then landed on Legolas the Elf, who was just walking in. Removing the bit of sausage from his forehead, the disgruntled elf began a song: "Amidst great turmoil in some far, unknown land, in a place beyond the trees, in a world beyond sand, came a man of Web, and a boy of Broom-- Men of Order, and a man of Doom!"  
  
Everyone stared at him quietly.  
  
He continued. "Two cursed halfings, and two young girls, but the finest creature of all these worlds, Was the elf with his bow--"  
  
"Hey!" yelled everyone but Legolas.  
  
Before Legolas could protest, the ugly cactus plant from the living room walked in on its own and hugged the elf's leg, obviously drawn by his mesmerizing voice. Forgetting the rest of the audience, the two walked off somewhere private.  
  
Everyone continued to stare quietly. 


	3. Chaos

"Chickie," Tara said mid-awkward-silence. "We need to talk."  
  
No response.  
  
"Chickie!"  
  
"Wha? Huh?" came The Chickster's voice, buried somewhere in the mattress. Tara stomped over, and pried the Spider Boy (*whoa, look at that!*), I mean MAN, from her friend. They walked to the door.  
  
"Please excuse us," the girls said, giving the room full of famous characters a doubtful look. Then they left, squealing and gaping on their way down the hall.  
  
"Well then," said Qui-Gon Jinn when the girls were gone. "Maybe once they talk amongst themselves we'll have progress, and something will be done. Harry!" The Jedi gave the little boy a sharp look, as he was digging around in Chickie's DVD collection. "It is not polite to peruse other people's belongings."  
  
Calling Frodo a shrimp, the disgruntled Potter boy slumped down and pouted, pondering a mischevious spell to use against them. Samwise raised a fist angrily at this offense to his master. "WHY YOU..."  
  
"Samwise! It is not worth it," Qui-Gon interrupted. Sam grumbled and went back to painting Saruman's toenails Seashell Pink, having secretly perused Tara's personal collection. The well-bound wizard watched with his good eye while his image as Demented Wizard in Service of the Dark Lord Sauron transformed to Ugliest Barbie Doll Ever.  
  
Qui-Gon was paused in deep reverie, no doubt contemplating the powerful and exquisite nature of their dilemma, pondering its purposes and advantages. Awakening with that awe-inspiring hint of brilliance in his kind eyes, he said to Obi-Wan, "Would you be a doll, and get me some of those Twizzlers Pull n' Peel? I saw them in the kitchen. And try not to eat them all before you come back, my dear padawan." Obi-Wan bowed his head honorably, and scuttled out of the room.  
  
It was around this point that Qui-Gon noticed a large blood stain in the middle of the bed. "Oh dear," he whispered, "What has happened?"  
  
Samwise Gamgee glanced at the spot, then spitefully at Harry Potter. "It seems that Mr. Potter has had his time of the month."  
  
Harry Potter gasped like a schoolgirl, and tried to defend himself, unsuccessfully.  
  
Spider Man hid the open wound on his arm, too amused to say anything. Samwise then thwacked Harry with his own broomstick. Harry countered with a string of obscenities umbecoming of a young boy--or even a porn star--so foul was his mouth.  
  
"Master Qui-Gon!" said Frodo dully, carrying that same perpetually congested look on his face. "This is very troubling." He lifted a certain DVD that had fallen during Harry's digging session. Qui-Gon bent down, *way* down, and took the DVD from the hobbit's hands. He stared at the cover, puzzled.  
  
"Moulin Rouge?" the Jedi master mused, reading the summary and noting the pictures of Christian. "I do not recall Obi-Wan auditioning for any musicals. Hmm. This is odd. His natural hair color is strawberry blonde, although I must admit he looks ravishing with..." He paused to consider the bemused faces of those around him. "Nevermind."  
  
"There is a darkness over the land," said Frodo, clutching his nipple...(where the One Ring was dangling, of course).  
  
--------------  
  
Meanwhile... Legolas, the cactus plant, Chickie Bates, and Tara were off in a separate room to discuss the events at hand.  
  
Legolas and Cactus Plant were there by no fault of their own-- the girls had walked into the bedroom to find them napping together in the spare bed. Tara was jealous at first, that her beloved Cactus be snuggling with some hippie elf, but Chickie helped convince her that it was probably best the plant stay where he was truly loved. (No doubt, Cactus was beginning to tire of Chickie's attempts to poison him to clear his spot in the living room.) Besides, it was a shining moment for all when they got polaroids of Legolas in his knickers. Despite their effeminate ways, apparently it's VERY true what they say about elves... we have proof...  
  
At any rate, they decided to return to the rest of the group with their plans finally organized.  
  
--------------  
  
As the girls and well-endowed Elf walked back into the main room, however, they were met with a great surprise.  
  
There was a familiar DVD playing on the screen, and all the otherworldly characters were standing on the bed in a fashionable circle.  
  
"Seasons may change," cooed Qui-Gon..  
  
"..winter to spring," muttered Frodo glumly.  
  
"But I love you," Samwise said softly,  
  
"until the end.. of... tiiiime," sang Harry Potter, his broomstick propped as a microphone.  
  
All: "COME WHAT MAY....."  
  
Spider Man: (singing above the others) "COoOOme what maaaaay......"  
  
All: "I will LOVE YOU---"  
  
"AHEM!" Chickie and Tara 'coughed' loudly. "Sorry to interrupt, but we have business to take care of!"  
  
Everyone stared quietly for a minute, before giving it all they had: "UNTIL THE END.. OF TIIIIME!" Once finished, they applauded themselves and bowed graciously to the audience: Chickie and Tara with their arms crossed, Legolas in his undies, and a cactus.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Hey," said The Chickster, "Where's Obi-Wan?"  
  
"He's been in the bathroom observing his facial growth in the mirror," said Qui-Gon plainly, reaching into his pocket for a lint-covered Twizzler.  
  
"Right. Well, first things first-- Spidey, we have a job for you." Spider Man webbed on over to the girls. "Please go to this address," said Tara as she handed him a piece of paper, "and find this girl. Web her against her will if you have to, but make sure that she gets here." The superhero nodded, squirted a big string through the window, and flew out.  
  
Not a minute passed, when a knock came at the front door.  
  
"Okay," said Chickie nervously, "Everyone act normal!"  
  
Frodo Baggins stared at Samwise Gamgee, who stared at Legolas in his panties, who stared at Cactus Plant, who was pointed at Saruman taped to a chair, who was glaring at Qui-Gon Jinn, who was thinking about Obi-Wan Kenobi as a brunette.  
  
"Um. Nevermind," she said. "Just nobody move."  
  
Tara went to answer the door. "Who is it?"  
  
"It's ME," came the voice on the other end.  
  
"YOU!" Tara exclaimed, having just sent Spider Man out to find this very person. "That was fast!"  
  
"What was?" said the voice. "Let me in!"  
  
Tara slowly opened the door, staring at her fellow movie-obsessed mate Phoebe on the other side.  
  
"You're not going to believe this," said Phoebe, "but I have something very interesting to tell you."  
  
"No, no, no," said Tara with an almost hysterical laugh. "You will die when you hear what has happened here."  
  
"Oh no," said Phoebe hastily. "I think my news is better."  
  
"Oh really?" said Tara, kicking the door wide open.  
  
Phoebe poked a head in, to find allllllll the aforementioned characters gathered around the big screen TV in the living room, watching Moulin Rouge! and reciting lines accurately.  
  
" '...totawee awone!' " said Frodo, who was obviously playing the part of Toulouse.  
  
"Oh my," blurted Phoebe, but she didn't seem surprised enough for Tara's taste.  
  
"What do you mean OH MY'! Are you blind? Do you not see--"  
  
"YES, I see quite plainly," said Phoebe with sudden giddiness. "And I would be extremely disturbed, had I not already....well... Alright guys, haul in."  
  
Tara had not noticed them all standing outside, but once Phoebe gave the order, in came marching: Strider from Lord of the Rings; the Green Goblin from Spider Man (who was tied up and gagged for trying to kill everyone); Christian himself from Moulin Rouge; and Dr. Frank-n-furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, who had Maximus from Gladiator on a leash behind him.  
  
"Smile boy," came Frank's silky vocals, as he gave Maxmius a little slap on the cheek. "We have guests!" Maximus smiled very widely, receiving a pinch and kiss from his master.  
  
"OH MY GOD!!" Tara and Chickie screeched together.  
  
"I know!" said Phoebe who would have been laughing maniacally had she not spied Samwise Gamgee on the edge of the couch, playing Harold Zidler.  
  
"Everything's going so WELL!" he yelled gaily.  
  
"You have SAM!" Phoebe screeched.  
  
"Yes, we do, muwhaha."  
  
"Well," began Phoebe professionally, "I will give you Strider if you let me have Sam."  
  
"Strider? Hm, my mom could use him," pondered Tara aloud. "Well you won't get Sam without Frodo, you know."  
  
"Alright, deal!"  
  
"No, that's not a deal! That's one for us, and two for you. I'll need someone else to make it even. Give me Christian."  
  
"HA!!"  
  
"Fine! Give me Frank!"  
  
"Well, you won't get Frank without Maximus. That gives you one more than me."  
  
At that moment, Obi-Wan Kenobi came in from the hallway, striking a match on his chin to see if it would light. "Hey!" he exclaimed, "where's the party!"  
  
Phoebe, trying carefully not to soil herself, stared in awe. "You have Obi- Wan too!"  
  
"Why hello there," said the Jedi to Phoebe, shaking her hand. "I have a beard."  
  
"Yes.. yes you do." Phoebe stared, but suddenly aware of something, she pounced on Christian, who was trying to hide himself behind a curtain that was not there. Naturally Christian tried to shove her off, his screams muffled, but she stayed glued to his face like a shade on a lamp.  
  
"What in the name of Yoda are you doing to this poor man!" Obi-Wan asked with great concern, trying to pry Phoebe off.  
  
"No!" said Tara, suddenly catching on, and latching onto Obi-Wan's legs. "You mustn't see!"  
  
"Mustn't see what!" yelled Obi-Wan, trying to shake her away, but he only dragged her around on the floor like a loose shoelace.  
  
At that moment, Chickie Bates also caught on, but thinking to herself that perhaps Phoebe and Tara had it set, she reached for Christian's pants and pulled them down faster than anyone could say "Tiger!"  
  
At this, a hush came over the entire room.  
  
"He has a huge... talent!" blurted Frodo, remembering his line.  
  
"Oh MY!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, staring. "It... looks.. very familiar!" Threatening them with his lightsaber, he finally got them all to move.  
  
Christian abruptly pulled his pants back up, and once he organized himself and saw Obi-Wan, his mouth formed a large "O." As in.. "OH MY GOODNESS!"  
  
Obi-Wan dropped his lightsaber, which Dr. Frank-n-furter quickly retrieved and went off to another room with Maximus.  
  
"Why... you're.. you're ME! With dark hair!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, obviously.  
  
"And.. and... you're ME!" Christian whispered, bewildered. "But.. with a mullet!"  
  
Chickie, Phoebe, and Tara basked in the Ewan-ness, but were concerned that something weird might happen. Wait... scratch that.  
  
Tara glanced at Strider, who was sniffing things and scanning the carpet for footprints. "What are you doing?" She asked cautiously. "I swear I vacuum every day."  
  
"There is a darkness over the land," Strider replied, on the floor like a snake in the grass. "I sense it."  
  
"Oh yeah, Saruman, over there in the corner. He's harmless, really."  
  
Strider stood and walked toward the wizard, who was wearing makeup and a neon pink feather boa. Without a word, Strider back-handed him, then went to join Legolas and Cactus Plant for the "play." Harry Potter was doing a fabulous impression of Nini Legs-in-the-Air, while Qui-Gon mastered the role of The Unconscious Argentinean. Of course, he kept accidentally making people fall unconscious with his keen Jedi powers, but... eventually he got it straight.  
  
Christian and Obi-Wan continued staring at eachother.  
  
"May I have proof?" said Christian timidly.  
  
"Of course!" said Obi-Wan, lifting his Jedi robes to display his... force.  
  
At this, a hush came over the entire room.  
  
"It's true!" Christian gasped. They continued to look at eachother with amazement and adimration.  
  
They began to poke eachother's faces to verify the realness. Obi-Wan was more than pleased to let Christian file his nails on the goatee. Christian was more than pleased to let Obi-Wan play in his smooth hair. Regardless, they would not take their eyes off one another.  
  
"Hm. I think there's only one way to solve this problem," said Chickie.  
  
Phoebe and Tara exchanged knowing glances, and promptly lifted their shirts to flash the men.  
  
"NO!" Chickie snapped. "Not that!"  
  
The girls lowered their blouses, humbled.  
  
"Gah. We must find the REAL Ewan McGregor and bring him here to explain everything!"  
  
Don, don, donnnnn! 


	4. Strider, Spidey, and Harry's Task

"Alright, everyone gather round for the game plan!" Chickie yelled to the chaotic room. One by one, each gathered in a circle around the three girls (LOTR-style), with the exception of The Green Goblin and Saruman, who were tied back-to-back and no doubt coming up with some evil plan to hijack everything.  
  
Once the Moulin Rouge movie was put to rest, and everyone settled, Legolas the Elf at once jumped to his feet. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!"  
  
"Um, Legolas, please sit and wait your turn," Tara urged. "We are not here to discuss The Ring."  
  
Frodo in his anxiety for this subject, let a smelly one rip. He was excused by all.  
  
"Now onto business," continued Chickie. "We--"  
  
But before she could start, Spider Man came bounding through the door with a lump of web over his shoulder. He put the lump down, so that everyone could see there was a person in it.  
  
"Aha!" the superhero cried triumphantly. "I found Phoebe!"  
  
"Uhh," Tara muttered. "Phoebe.. is.. right HERE." She patted The Pheebster on the head.  
  
"Oh." Spidey seemed troubled. "Then.. who is this?" He kicked the lump, which groaned harshly in return. "He's a feisty one, I tell you." Spidey lifted his hands to reveal his band-aid covered fingers.  
  
"Hmm.. let's find out." Qui-Gon generously light-sabered the rolls of web, so that no one had to go through the trouble of unraveling it all. What came out was a bit of a shock, and then.. not really, given circumstance.  
  
A well-clothed, curly-haired man with a glaring dark demeanor scrambled to his feet. "I demand to know the meaning of this!" he spat, sweating from his mounds upon mounds of heavy Roman cloths.  
  
"COMMODUS!" the three girls screamed excitedly. Indeed, Joaq-- uh.. Commodus from Gladiator stood staring at them in awe.  
  
"Why do you address me as such? I am your Emperor! Bow to me!"  
  
"Now, now, take it easy!" came Qui-Gon's kindly convincing voice. "Who we are in this world is very different from whatever you're used to, Emperor ..uh.. Commodus. These girls are the only ones with answers, so you will watch what you say to them. They have the power." The girls all puffed up to twice their size. "Now Obi-Wan, help me direct this man to...Obi-Wan?" It was no use.  
  
Christian from Moulin Rouge and Obi-Wan Kenobi were embracing eachother. Not moving, or talking, just sitting there in eachother's arms, with the occasional sigh of contentment, otherwise oblivious to everything else.  
  
"Oh geez," Qui-Gon muttered. (Sneakily, Tara took a polaroid of the Ewan's in action.)  
  
"Where is my sword?" demanded Commodus, glaring at his empty sheath.  
  
"Oh yeah," said Spidey, "I had to take that away from him. He was trying to gouge out my eyes, calling for someone named 'Quintus' and accusing me of sleeping with his sister."  
  
The girls exchanged really funky looks.  
  
"Have a Twizzler," offered Qui-Gon, showing the disgruntled emperor a bundle of Pull n' Peels. But Commodus snatched it all from him, sulking into a corner to sit Indian-style, and play Tic-Tac-Toe with the candy and himself.  
  
Phoebe, who suddenly felt the call of nature, excused herself. But as she tried to walk through the door, she ran smack into an invisible force, and fell on her bum with a resounding "oomph!"  
  
"OW!" screeched the invisible force. Suddenly Frodo appeared in the door, pulling The Ring off of his finger, and rubbing his forehead.  
  
"Aw, FRODO!" Phoebe scolded. "Rule Number One: No one uses the One Ring, EVER! For any purpose!"  
  
Everyone took notes. Samwise scrambled over to Frodo and Phoebe, hoisting the hobbit onto his back, and lifting the girl in his arms. Phoebe swooned accordingly.  
  
"Wait!" she yelled suddenly. "Must make pee pee." With that, she climbed away, and disappeared into the hall.  
  
"AS I WAS SAYING," boomed Chickie. Everyone came to order. "Right. The plan is simple: select few of you will set forth and find a man by the name of Ewan McGregor. It will not be hard to recognize this fine young man, because he looks exactly like Christian and Obi-Wan Kenobi, only.. he's from our world."  
  
Everyone stared at Obi-Wan and Christian, who hadn't moved from their previous embrace.  
  
"One thing about Mr. McGregor, though. He may be wearing a skirt, or nothing at all. If this is the case-- well, we all know what *IT* looks like. There should be no problems." Everyone nodded, eyes twinkling at the memory.  
  
"Wait!" spouted Harry Potter. "Christian! From Moulin Rouge!" For the first time, the new fans of the musical noticed that the Christian with Obi-Wan was the same Christian from the DVD. At once the fans of MR joined together with pieces of paper and pens for autographs. Poor Christian may have been mobbed, had Obi-Wan not stepped forth, his arms flailing around protectively since he lost his light-saber. He made the same "humming" noises his weapon would, for effect.  
  
"Back off!" he growled sexily, a stunned Christian clinging behind his Jedi robes like a neurotic piece of lint.  
  
Everyone resumed their previous positions, vowing to get an autograph later.  
  
Chickie huffed. "One more interruption and I will be forced to--"  
  
At that moment, Dr. Frank-n-furter walked out, the missing light-saber tucked into his bra. He still had Maximus on a chain behind him, walking on all fours, but this time the Roman General had Phoebe perched on his back.  
  
"Hee haw!" she hollered, cracking a whip. Maximus peeled out with his hind legs, kicking up dust.  
  
Commodus, a drool-covered Twizzler dangling from the corner of his mouth, pitched a royal hissy at the very sight of the General.  
  
"GAURDS!" he yelled furiously, standing up to attack Maximus, but instead tripped over his own long, fancy robes. Maximus snorted, licking Frank's hand for comfort.  
  
"Dear Maxi," cooed Dr. Frank, "I think it is time or your BATH.."  
  
Tara, yanking Phoebe off in a hurry, scolded them all for interrupting The Plan and demanded they take seats. Maxmius settled down on his stomach, while Frank sat on Maxi's back, graciously scratching his ears. Commodus was picked up by Qui-Gon, who held him in his lap like a toddler trying to squirm after a kitten.  
  
"At any rate," sighed Chickie, "The Plan is simple. Strider will use his skills as a ranger to snuff out the whereabouts of Mr. McGregor. Spider Man webs him once he is discovered. Harry Potter will join them all incase a decoy is needed, so he can fly around on his broomstick turning people into giant turds and whatnot. And that is the Fellowship of the Ewan-Napping, thus far."  
  
There was a slow murmur throughout the crowd.  
  
"Does anybody disagree?" Tara snapped, giving them all an Evil Sauron Eye. Everyone hushed.  
  
"Also," continued Chickie, "there are many guests here tonight, so we'll be needing extra supplies. We are sending Samwise Gamgee, Frodo Baggins, and Phoebe to the store."  
  
Samwise wrapped one arm around Frodo, and the other around Phoebe, cheery as can be. Frodo groaned miserably. Phoebe squealed.  
  
"Also," said Tara rather uneasily, "I.. suppose that now is a good time to inform you all, that with the spare beds we do have enough for everyone to NOT have to sleep on the floor." There was great cheering from the crowd.  
  
"WAIT."  
  
Silence.  
  
"There's a hitch. There's enough for everyone to sleep comfortably, sure, but you have to find a partner. Two to each bed, now choose partners wisely."  
  
Everyone stared around in awe.  
  
Christian and Obi-Wan held hands. "We will couple," said the Jedi flatly.  
  
"Ohh, BIG SURPRISE!" hissed Qui-Gon, in a fit of jealousy. Trying to make his apprentice envious, he cradled Commodus like a baby and declared, "Master Commodus and I shall pair." Everyone gasped, but Obi-Wan wasn't phased. Commodus' eyes twinkled at the prospect of a new father to strangle, and he cuddled with Qui-Gon. Qui Gon petted him soothingly.  
  
Tara, Phoebe, and Chickie (who were watching with great interest) suddenly snapped back into reality.  
  
"Who's sleeping with me!" squealed Phoebe. "I want CHRISTIAN!"  
  
"I want Obi-Wan!" barked Tara.  
  
"Hmm," began Phoebe, "Christian, Obi, is there any way that you guys might-- "  
  
"NO!" the two men yelled together.  
  
Phoebe and Tara, chagrined, stomped feet and pouted.  
  
Strider walked up to Tara on his knees, took her hand and said, "I would be honored to share a bed with you."  
  
Tara back-handed him nice and hard, then walked off. "No," she plotted aloud, "I'm going to wait around for the REAL Ewan.."  
  
Phoebe's eyes lit. "AS WILL I!"  
  
Chickie's face turned pink. "AND ME!"  
  
Spider Man scoffed at this, taking off his mask and blowing her a kiss. Chickie digressed. "I mean.. Spidey and I...yeah, me and him: bed. Pronto."  
  
"Master Frodo and I will partner!" blurted Samwise, as if anyone thought differently.  
  
"Mmfh, and Mmfh!" mumbled Saruman and the Green Goblin, as if anyone cared. "Ye fair Cactus Plant, Master Potter, and I will share a bed," said Legolas happily.  
  
"You and Harry?" Phoebe eyed him suspiciously.  
  
Harry blushed. "Why.. yes.. it really is not problem, we're all small, we'll fit."  
  
"Well, um, okay. That leaves..."  
  
"Maxi and I, dear," said Frank dryly, combing Maximus's hair with his fingers. Maxmius purred audibly. "And that fine young gentleman with sporadic facial growth can join us," he added, motioning toward Strider.  
  
Strider, bearing Tara's handprint on his face, agreed. "But how will we fit?" he pondered.  
  
"Ohh, little boy," said Frank with one of -those- looks in his eyes, "we can figure THAT out." He patted the light-saber in his bra.  
  
"Hey!" shouted Obi-Wan, "that's mine! Be careful, it can be VERY harmful if used inappropriately.."  
  
"If used inappropriately?" echoed Frank, rubbing it fondly. "A little late for that, honey."  
  
Obi-Wan stammered. "Um, well.. it's okay. You keep it." He shuddered. Christian hugged him with great fondness.  
  
Qui-Gon huffed and bristled, scooping Commodus up in his arms as he stood. "WELL THEN," he said so loud and obviously, "Commy and I are going to prepare for BED." He cast an evil glare at Obi-Wan, who glared back, towing Christian in his own arms.  
  
Phoebe, Chickie, and Tara stared.  
  
And stared.  
  
...and stared.  
  
"Well, let us set forth on this new journey," said Strider at last. "We will bring back Master McGregor for the Ladies, then we shall sort things out at the break of dawn. "  
  
"Why at the break of dawn?" Phoebe asked.  
  
"Because.. there is a darkness over the land," was the ranger's reply.  
  
Phoebe blinked.  
  
"Let us go." He, Spider Man, and Harry Potter walked out.  
  
"And us too," said Phoebe and Samwise together. They collected the mile- long list of supplies and groceries each character wrote for himself, held hands with Frodo, and departed for the Super Wal-Mart.  
  
Chickie and Tara stared blandly at one another, wondering how in the name of Harold Zidler this was going to work itself out. 


	5. Moulin WHAT?

Frodo Baggins, the One Ring, Samwise Gamgee, and Phoebe all wandered around Super Wal-Mart in a daze.  
  
Just as Samwise was reaching for a pack of Twizzlers that Qui-Gon requested, Frodo gave a sharp yelp. He was staring at something dangling off of one of the shelves in the 'Videos/DVDs' section. It was a poster of himself, and the rest of the Fellowship of the Ring. Large letters underlined the group with "Comes out August 6th." Samwise gasped at the sight of himself and Mr. Frodo on cardboard. Cautiously, he touched the poster. Then he punched it. It tumbled to the ground, indiscreetly.  
  
"Hey!" someone yelled from behind. An average-looking Wal-Mart clerk scrambled over. "Don't touch--" but he stopped and stared at the hobbits. "Wow! These are the greatest costumes I've ever seen! Hey Barney, you gotta see this!"  
  
And before anything could be done to prevent it, a huge crowd was gathering around. Frodo nervously clutched his necklace which held the One Ring, but released it when Phoebe gave him an evil look to remind him of their former accident. The three all hugged eachother as the crowd advanced. People were whispering things like "magnificent!" and "unbelievable" and "Moulin Rouge.."  
  
"Hey, What about Moulin Rouge?" Phoebe asked urgently.  
  
"Oh," said a random lady from the crowd, taking a picture. "Harold Zidler and Satine from Moulin Rouge are at the entrance! It's amazing! The girl looks just like Nicole Kidman!"  
  
The hobbits and Phoebe exchanged uneasy looks. They tried to move away from the mob of fans, but it just wasn't happening.  
  
"I AM THE EVIL MAHARAJAH!!" boomed a gritty voice. The crowd parted fearfully, to reveal Harold Zidler himself. "It's alright, my little sparrow," he said softly, and Satine popped out from behind him. They walked toward Phoebe and the Hobbits.  
  
"Monsieur Gandalf insists you know the whereabouts of dear Christian," said Satine frantically.  
  
"Gandalf!?" Frodo and Sam exclaimed, staring at the scantily clad courtesan.  
  
"Satine! Zidler!...and Gandalf?!" said Phoebe, more excited than a Chihuahua when its master comes home.  
  
"Yes!" beamed Zidler. "He's a very kind man, you must admit, such style!"  
  
"Where is he??" Frodo asked anxiously.  
  
"I'm not sure," replied Zidler. "He left in such a hurry."  
  
"Oh dear." Satine wavered. And with a loud hacking noise, she fainted. Zidler caught her, frowning, wacky mustache and all.  
  
Phoebe's chin began to quiver at the memory of Moulin Rouge's end scene. "Well," she said hastily, "we should go back. Christian is there, along with a thousand other famous characters."  
  
"Let's make a run for it!" bellowed Samwise, hoisting a very depressed, and weary Frodo into one of the shopping carts.  
  
And the group ran, with about ten baskets full of groceries and supplies, to the parking lot, hopped into the Elephant-on-Wheels that Zidler and Satine arrived in, and took off for the apartment.  
  
-------  
  
BACK AT THE APARTMENT.....  
  
Qui-Gon and Commodus were in their own world. The Jedi Master was teaching the infantile Roman Emporer a thing or two about calling on The Force. (Chickie and Tara cringed at the thought of Commodus being able to move stuff with his mind, among other things.) In return, Commodus was combing Qui-Gon's long locks, setting them in thoughtful braids, and talking idly about how he wanted to kill Maximus, tyrannize Rome, take over the world, and.. whatnot.  
  
Dr. Frank-n-furter was giving the wizard Saruman and the villainous Green Goblin lap dances. They were, of course, both still tied up and gagged for trying to kill everyone they saw, which was the basis of their appeal to good ol' Frank. Frank began to sing along with his performance, doing renditions of "Like a Virgin" and "Spectacular Spectacular" from Moulin Rouge, of which he was a new fanatic.  
  
The General Maximus was playing chess with Legolas the Elf, and losing horribly. Irritated by the elf's perfection, Maximus jumped out his seat and flipped the chessboard over.  
  
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridus," he roared, "commander of the armies of the North, general of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next!!"  
  
Commodus pretended to ignore Maximus, loudly whistling the MR tune "One Day I'll Fly Away."  
  
Legolas whipped out his bow-and-arrow.  
  
"Alright now!" Tara yelled, trying to climb out of a hammock made of spider webs, which Spidey left earlier. "Knock it off! There will be no war in this apartment!"  
  
Legolas lowered his weapon. Maximus scratched himself, grunted, and walked away. Tara's foot stuck to the web material, and she fell smack on her face.  
  
"Careful, strawberry!" came a voice a little too familiar. Tara looked up from her tangle of body parts, to find Harold Zidler's smiling face mere inches from hers. Completely not expecting to see THAT, she screamed at the top of her lungs, and tried desperately to get up. After a few minutes of serious struggling, she finally stood straight, webs dangling from her chin, hair, and clothes.  
  
"Forgive the intrusion, cherub," said Zidler darkly.  
  
"MORE!?" Tara squeaked.  
  
Phoebe stood guiltily in the doorway. "Well, we found them at the store! Couldn't just leave them there!"  
  
"Who else?" Tara's eyes darted around nervously. She finally spied Satine, who was being assaulted by Frank, who was trying to tear off her black lingerie.  
  
"Marvelous!!" Frank gawked, biting into the lace. Satine shrieked, broke a sweat, and passed out again. Zidler gave Frank a hefty knock on the nose, then tended to the courtesan.  
  
"And," said Samwise merrily, "Gandalf is around!"  
  
"Gandalf, where??"  
  
"Don't know! Master Zidler said he just ran off; you know how he can be."  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"Incandiferous!" said a shrimpy voice out of nowhere.  
  
"What?" Tara looked at Phoebe strangely.  
  
"Huh? I didn't say anything!" said Phoebe defensively. She peered around, trying to find the source of shrimpiness.  
  
"INCANDIFEROUS!" came the voice again. This time Phoebe stared at Tara, accusingly.  
  
"What!" exclaimed Tara. "I didn't say anything! It's not even a real word, why would I say it? Mreh."  
  
Phoebe glared. Then she looked around the doorway, poking a head outside and searching without luck.  
  
"You have a wovewy crotch," said the voice. Phoebe looked down and gasped at the sight of Toulouse from Moulin Rouge, who was staring straight at her middle.  
  
"Toulouse!" she exclaimed, jerking him inside the building and slamming the door shut.  
  
Now let it be known, that the moment Phoebe and the Hobbits walked through the door with tons of bags from the store, all hell broke loose. Sam and Frodo were already in the bathroom filling the bathtub up with Dr Pepper (amused to see Spidey and the Green Goblin's pictures on the cans), emptying can after can, for whatever strange future purpose. Qui-Gon and Commodus were burying themselves in heaps of Skittles, Hershey's Kisses, Lemonheads, Twizzlers, and Gummi Bears. Frank-n-furter was opening a box of Tampax tampons.  
  
"Frank!" Chickie burst out. "What in god's name do you need tampons for!" Frank huffed, waved a hand dismissively, and stalked off.  
  
Maximus gnawed frantically on a piece of doggy-treat cow hide. Legolas pulled out a piece of ribbon, wrapping it with great care around Cactus Plant, and pronouncing in the Elvish tongue a marriage ritual.  
  
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan and Christian were swapping battle stories. Obi-Wan was mentioning something about the hideous Darth Maul he and Qui-Gon once encountered. Christian was reminded of the Duke, of whom he spoke quite distastefully, and about how he would always try and interrupt his interactions with Satine... wait.. SATINE!  
  
For the first time, Christian noticed his beloved prostitute-singer standing in a corner with Toulouse and Zidler, who were entranced by the Moulin Rouge DVD.  
  
"I had no idea they were watching us," said Zidler glumly. "Another mindless crime..."  
  
It was at that moment when Satine noticed Christian as well, and she immediately began to sing, "How wonderful life is..."  
  
Both running toward eachother like drunken rabbits, they met at the middle, and embraced and kissed lovingly. Christian finished with, "Now you're in the woooooorld."  
  
Obi-Wan was NOT amused. "It's a little bit funny.. this feeling inside.." he mumbled under his breath, gritting his teeth.  
  
Qui-Gon, amusd by Obi-Wan's predicament, tossed a Skittle at him. It bounced off of Obi's forehead and fell into his robes. Tara was quick to retrieve it, diving into Obi-Wan's shirt like it was nobody's business.  
  
"Oh my!" the Jedi gasped. Tara's legs poked out of the neck of his robes, his head wedged between her thighs, with her face peering out somewhere in a fold of his clothes. She chewed the Skittle merrily, waving to her friends. Obi considered kicking her off him and saying something to the effect of "These robes aren't big for the both of us," but found he rather enjoyed the sensation.  
  
It was at this perfect moment that the front door floor open, and in walked Spider-Man, Strider, and Harry Potter floating on his broomstick, with a curiously squirmy potato sack among them. They walked to the center of the room, plopping the bag onto the floor. It tumbled over, releasing several groans and obscenities unbecoming of a potato sack.  
  
"EWAN!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The three girls gathered around the bag of goodies, shivering with antici.... pation. 


	6. Ewan!

The fuzzy-faced head of Ewan McGregor himself spilled out of the large potato sack. His bright eyes were like a wolf's--wild and instinctive, not to mention extremely vicious and ticked off. The rest of his body remained in the bag, obviously tied up in some sort of metaphysics-defying pretzel.  
  
He took one look around the room, screamed like he'd just witnessed a body rising from an operating table in a morgue, and launched a one-man army of vile obscenities, his accent so thick no one really understood him anyway.  
  
"WHAT THE F**# ?!?! WHO F#*&???#^#%% WHERE #&?&#?&# sick and &#*$%$ can't F#*#&%%** believe this S*&????^%@@ (expletive deleted) WHY F*%BLOODY&^# (expletive deleted) AND YOU *&^???@@ing *&#@&# ((c e n s o r e d for TV)) #!!?*!#!.......OKAY!?!?"  
  
Samwise shrieked and clasped his hands over Frodo's ears. Commodus broke out in tears. Qui-Gon pulled out his light-saber, just incase some droids pop out of the walls at the Scotsman's unsavory commands. Frank-n-Furter had hearts in his eyes. Legolas just stood around looking thoughtful, as per usual. Maximus was on the toilet the whole time, so he missed it. Ewan's captors: Spider Man, Harry Potter, and Strider all shrugged knowingly. Tara, Chickie, and Phoebe were smiling in a way that made them look obscenely drunk.  
  
Christian and Obi-Wan looked at one another, then back at Ewan, in complete awe. (Tara, formerly hiding out in Obi-Wan's robes, slid out the moment Ewan arrived.) Then the two simultaneously dropped to their hands and knees and bowed to the potato-sacked Scotsman. Ewan almost shat himself at the mere site of both Obi-Wan and Christian, together, in the same room as he. Three Ewan McGregors united in a parody of fics.  
  
"Ah! Good God! Get me out of here!" Ewan cried, flinging himself around like a fish on land.  
  
"Yes, Mr. McGregor was a slimy little buggar to catch," Harry Potter confessed. "Had to whack him over the top with my broomstick."  
  
"Oh, you poor baby!" Phoebe gasped, running to help release Ewan from his terrible bonds.  
  
"Oh no!" said Strider warningly, blocking Phoebe's path. "The whacking did him no good. He bit into the broomstick and almost broke it in half."  
  
The girls stared at Ewan, fascinated. Well, even more fascinated than usual.  
  
"Mr. McGregor," piped up Chickie when she could manage to contain herself. "We sent for you because we need your help."  
  
"My help!" croaked Ewan, in such a position that his bottom half (which was still bagged) rolled over his head. He landed on his stomach. "For god's sake, get me out of this thing, and I'll do anything you ask!"  
  
Chickie, overwhelmed by the mere concept of Ewan doing whatever she asked, fainted. Spidey caught her as she fell, Strider picking up her feet as they moved to plop her down on the couch. Tara, overwhelmed by the mere concept of Ewan doing whatever Chickie asked, also fainted. Harry and Sam put her on the couch beside her roommate.  
  
"Alright, we'll let you out," said Qui-Gon, slicing the bag open with his trusty flashlight, er, light saber. "Maybe in doing this, we will finally find the answers to our dilemma."  
  
Ewan spilled out with ease, and stood up wearing nothing but his underwear.  
  
"Oh yeah," said Spider Man, "The poor man was just out of the shower. Heh."  
  
No one minded.  
  
"So as Madam Chickie was trying to explain," continued Qui-Gon, "We do need your help."  
  
Ewan shifted, though unconcerned with the fact that everyone was staring at the 'jewelry' in his 'box.'  
  
"Yes?" he inquired seriously. "How can I help a room full of strangers that took me from my home to have me meet my onscreen alter-egoes? Just HOW may I help? DO TELL!"  
  
He cast one more bewildered look at Obi-Wan and Christian, then fainted; in hopes that when he awoke he would be at home again--surrounded, as he suspected, by a truckload of empty beer bottles. Ewan landed on Phoebe, who was standing behind him for a better view, and the two went crashing down to the floor. Phoebe, hyperventilating, passed out.  
  
Satine, all disturbed about everything going on, also blacked out.. coughing up some blood first, for good measure.  
  
So, the four girls and Ewan were brought to the bedroom in the back, and all set side-by-side on the giant bed to ...rest. Muwaha.  
  
-------------------  
  
A loud, gurgling flushing noise came from somewhere down the hall, and a minute later Maximus walked into the main room, adjusting his leather skirt. He peered around, noticing a few less in the room.  
  
"Where is everyone?" he said suspiciously. "I heard---" but before he could finish, Commodus was in front of him, jamming a Twix bar into his side.  
  
"SMILE FOR ME NOW, BROTHER!" he growled. Maximus keeled over: DEAD.  
  
Qui-Gon slapped Commodus on the hand, giving him a long lesson about not killing very important army commanders, and/or heroes of very expensive sword-and-sandal movies, since it makes it much more difficult to produce a sequel.  
  
Everyone watched in shock as Maximus' dead body slowly gravitated, became translucent, then disappeared completely.  
  
"MAXI!" Frank-n-Furter howled at the loss of his pet. Although everyone tried to keep him calm, he began to run around in circles, bouncing desperately off the walls, smearing his makeup and basically going insane. In a fury, he ran outside the apartment and disappeared like a creature in the night.  
  
Everyone shrugged and went back to business.  
  
"Hmm," Qui-Gon hmmed. "So if we are all, in fact, not part of this planet, and we die in this world, we are automatically transported to our own worlds."  
  
But everyone had their own theories about why the General Maximus suddenly disappeared, and thus ensued a very loud, uncontrollable argument amongst everyone present. The noise was so annoying and loud, in fact, that none could any longer hear himself talking.  
  
"BIIIIILBO BAGGINS!" boomed a voice so grand and deep it made the floor shake.  
  
Everyone fell silent, and turned their attention toward the tall old man in the corner that had temporarily grown to ten times his normal size.  
  
"GANDALF!" Frodo, Samwise, Legolas, and Strider all ran up to him, asking a thousand questions unharmoniously. Gandalf lifted his hand in a gesture of silence, and they all zipped it. The old man then whipped out his pipe, having a seat and puffing away. Everyone stared at him, waiting. He was quiet likeso for damn near a century. Or, according to Legolas, five minutes.  
  
"Ahem. Sorry to interrupt, but might we have a word?" asked Qui-Gon, stepping over to the wizard, extending his hand. Gandalf, moving no quicker than molasses, shook it and nodded.  
  
"Ah, Qui-Gon Jinn," said the wizard, staring mysteriously at the Jedi.  
  
"Indeed, Gandalf the Grey," said Qui-Gon Jinn in return.  
  
Zidler, who had been watching with great interest, interrupted with his voice at a mocking tone, "WELL now that we're all properly acquainted, bahaha!"  
  
Toulouse turned to Zidler, shaking his hand, "Ah, Harold Zidler!"  
  
And Zidler said in return, "Ah, Henri Marie Raymond de Toulouse-Lautrec Monfa!"  
  
Everyone huffed at them, so they zipped it.  
  
Gandalf turned to them suddenly. "You're Jim Broadbent and John Leguizamo, aren't you?"  
  
They stared at him, confused.  
  
"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" said Gandalf, running up to them with a quill in his hand. "Can I have your autographs? I am such a big fan of Moulin Rouge!" The two members of Moulin Rouge gave eachother doubtful looks, and signed Gandalf's hat.  
  
Gandalf then turned to Christian, who was holding hands and meditating with Obi-Wan.  
  
"Excuse me," interrupted the wizard.  
  
Christian peeked an eye open, breaking from his moment of peace. "Yes?"  
  
"Can I show you something I've been working on for some time?"  
  
Christian gave him a strange look. "...Sure."  
  
Gandalf approached the center of the room, propping his staff in front of him. "Blasted!" he cursed, unwinding his lengthy beard from it before starting. "Ahem." He took off his hat, holding it bashfully by his side. Everyone stared at him, utterly bemused. He brought his mouth to the top of the staff, and let it rip:  
  
"THE HIIIILLS ARE ALIVE.. WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUSIIIC!" he sang at the top of his lungs, sounding exactly like Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge.  
  
Christian's jaw dropped.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt," said Spider Man, "but why would an esteemed wizard such as Gandalf here spend his time rehearsing parts of a musical, when it has absolutely nothing to do with anything?"  
  
"Because it's good for you mind!" Christian sang in defense.  
  
"Funny," muttered Spidey, being a bit of a grouch.  
  
"The Spider's right," said Gandalf eerily. "We are wasting precious time. My dear people, I come bearing terrible news."  
  
Everyone gathered in a circle around Gandalf, whispering amongst themselves.  
  
"The news is this: the show Titus has been cancelled."  
  
Everyone gasped, in utter disbelief.  
  
"But wait, there is MORE! And far darker. The two most villainous characters here, The Green Goblin and my ex-best-friend Saruman have escaped!"  
  
Everyone looked at the chairs that once bound the two evil ones, and saw only shredded ropes and the fluttering remnants of a feather boa. No one noticed that they had escaped, as they were too occupied with themselves. Needless to say, they all felt bad. Jerks.  
  
"Blimey!" blurted Harry Potter, suddenly up in arms about the whole situation. "What I want to know is, how does this old hack know so much? One wonders what insane evil gives him the authority!" Harry lifted his broomstick like a sword, and whacked Gandalf's staff clean off the floor. Gandalf fell forward on his face. "I have seen some rotten wizards in my day," continued the boy, fearlessly, "and I will stop you before you destroy us all! I challenge you to a game of Wizard's Chess!"  
  
Gandalf slowly rose to his feet, grumbling. "Potter," he said darkly, "I do not play Wizard's Chess with people under the age of 29384205675678678938."  
  
"Hmph!" Harry glared. "A likely story!" Quickly the boy mounted his broom, soaring high above everyone else. "This is it for you, Gandalf!" he yelled, pulling out his wand.  
  
But as he tried to swoop down and cast a spell to hinder the wizard, something unusual happened. Frodo Baggins emerged from his hiding spot under the cushions of the couch, promptly growing a spine. Using Toulouse as a step-ladder, and then Samwise's back to push off, he flew high into the air and drop-kicked Harry straight off his broom. Harry fell flat on his back, with Frodo right on him, swinging like Neo a la the end of The Matrix. Harry dropped his wand (which Frodo then broke over his own forehead), apologized thoroughly, and sulked off into a corner.  
  
"AND ANOTHER THING!" Frodo yelled triumphantly, pulling the ring out of his shirt. "You see this! SEE THIS? This thing gives me nightmares! It argues when I try to give it a bath, it talks back... I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the night before Bilbo's birthday. SO YOU KNOW WHAT!?!"  
  
The whole room took in a deep, strained breath.  
  
"I QUIT." And he threw the One Ring onto the floor and stomped off.  
  
"Oh dear," sighed Gandalf. "I think it's time we go home. But not until the villains are captured. No, indeed." And he continued mumbling to himself, puffing on the pipe, in front of the fireplace that had somehow appeared on scene.  
  
Everyone else went about their business, except for Samwise who followed Frodo. Well, I guess that is Sam's business.  
  
The Ring lay by itself on the floor, lonely and unloved. 


	7. Sleepover

(MEANWHILE, in the bedroom at the back of the apartment....)  
  
After the commotion made by Baggins laying the smack down on Potter, the five people snoozing in the king-sized bed began to stir.  
  
Satine from Moulin Rouge, Phoebe, Ewan McGregor as himself, Chickie, and Tara; each side-by-side in this particular order, except for Tara, who was lying horizontally at the foot of the bed.  
  
They were only out for minutes, but it seemed like the lifespan of Elrond. It didn't take them long to awaken from their respective black-outs.  
  
Tara, laying at everyone's feet, sat up and gagged. "IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SACRED THAT IS THE MOST FOUL-SMELLING THING, EVER!!"  
  
Immediately Satine sat up and, half-asleep, sang, "I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind.."  
  
Tara buried her face in her arms and replied, "Well as a matter of fact, I do. Do you European girls ever wash your feet!?"  
  
Then at once Ewan McGregor, sandwiched between Chickie and Phoebe, jumped wide awake. "Dear christ!" he shouted. "Where am I? Who are you! What time is it?" He tried to stretch his arms, but Phoebe's entire body was curled completely around one; Chickie around the other, like a snake coiled around prey.  
  
Everyone, thanks to Ewan's loudness, was wide-awake and alert. Of course, Phoebe and Chickie pretended not to be and resumed their positions.  
  
"Nicole!" Ewan exclaimed, smiling at Satine. "I'm so glad at least you're here!"  
  
"Nicole?" Satine grumbled. "How many times have I woke up in the same bed with countless strangers, and none has the decency to call me by my real name! I tell you, I am ten seconds away from telling Zidler-"  
  
"WHAT!" Ewan couldn't believe she was playing him like this. "Knickers! Are you mad?"  
  
"Christian, how dare--" she stared at him, confused. "But.. you're not Christian. I say, where is my dear Christian?" And she scrambled out of the bed, peeking under it, poking behind closets, opening Chickie's underwear drawer.  
  
But before she could find anything juicy, the door flew open and Christian jumped into the bedroom. He slammed the door behind him, and locked it in a hurry. Just when he thought the coast was clear, a shuffling noise on the floor caught his attention.  
  
"Ahh!!" Christian yelped, staring down at Obi-Wan who was latched onto his legs.  
  
"You can't leave me for her!" Obi-Wan insisted, holding him even tighter.  
  
"Obi-Wan, please! I have to find Satine! I can't just--oh, Satine!"  
  
Satine ran up to Christian, giving him a thousand kisses. She gasped down at Obi-Wan, who's arms and legs were wrapped around Christian's bottom half.  
  
Obi-Wan waved and smiled up at her. "Hello!"  
  
"Stop!" Satine yelled, thwacking Obi-Wan with her long sleeves. "Get off of him, off off!"  
  
"Ow! Jesus, lady, you don't have to be so rough.. OUCH!! OW!" Obi-Wan struggled not to let go.  
  
"HEY! Don't hurt Obi!" Tara flew out of the bed, curled herself up like a ball, and bowled straight into Satine. Satine shrieked and fell straight on her arse.  
  
"Ewan, you have to do something!" Chickie whispered into The Man's ears. "You have to tell Obi-Wan that Christian belongs to Satine-"  
  
"AHEM." Phoebe glared.  
  
"I mean, that Christian belongs to Phoebe, and that Obi-Wan belongs to Qui- Gon-"  
  
"AHEM."  
  
"..that Obi-Wan belongs to Tara, okay? You have to!"  
  
Ewan gave one of those 'how in god's name did I get into this mess?' looks, giving the situation some consideration.  
  
They were in some sort of psychotic tug-of-war: Satine was trying to pry Christian away from Obi-Wan, and Tara was on top of Obi-Wan trying to pry him off of Christian.  
  
Obi-Wan looked desperately up at Christian. "I don't have much money!!" he confessed. "But if I did. oh, I'd buy a big house where we both could live.."  
  
Ewan stood up (still in his undies). Chickie and Phoebe lay under his legs to get a peek.  
  
"EXCUSE ME," Ewan yelled at the struggle on the floor. They all stopped dead, staring. "Thanks. I.. I, uh, have an idea."  
  
They disentangled themselves, and all watched him with the greatest of interest.  
  
Satine coughed. Ewan gave her the evil eye. She was quiet.  
  
"Alright, here's the deal. Everyone who looks like me, please stand right here." Obi-Wan and Christian walked to Ewan's right side. "Everyone else, here." Tara and Satine walked to his left. "Excuse me, girls?" He glanced down at Phoebe and Chickie, who had big happy smiles on their faces.  
  
"Alright, alright," they muttered, moving next to Satine and Tara. Tara snickered. Ewan gave her a stern look.  
  
"ZIPPIT."  
  
She zipped it.  
  
"Now," he continued, "we can't keep going on like this. Something must be done." He didn't look at Obi-Wan and Christian directly, because it made him feel weird. Still, he managed.  
  
Phoebe grabbed a half-stale container of Pringles, and began munching away. Tara and Chickie's fingers immediately dove into the bottle. The three girls crunched noisily.  
  
"Ladies, please." Ewan cast them a smoldering look. They all stopped, mid- crunch.  
  
He stepped over, took a handful, popped them into his mouth, and continued. "Anyway," he said between munches, "what I mean is, we're just going to have to work something out." He swallowed, eating some more. "Christian, you can't have Obi-Wan. He's already taken."  
  
Christian nodded, understanding. "Then I'll have Satine, and we'll-"  
  
"NO!" Phoebe interrupted. "Me! Christian, you simply have to pick me!"  
  
"Why can't I have Satine!"  
  
"Be.. Because! This is OUR world, and if you want to survive, you have to fall in love with a member of the present time-frame that you're stuck in! Um, yeah!" She smoothly popped another chip into her mouth. "Sorry, it's the rules--plain and simple."  
  
"Is this true?" Obi-Wan asked.  
  
Ewan gave the girls a concerned look. They all whispered furiously, "please!! Please, please!"  
  
"Yes!" Ewan said at last. "That is correct. It has to be someone of this world and time-frame."  
  
Obi-Wan paused to consider, then he looked up at Tara who was posing for him like a fully-dressed bikini model. He blew her a kiss, in advance.  
  
"Well I simply refuse," Christian muttered. "I'm sticking with Satine....until the end of time."  
  
Phoebe was enraged. She jumped onto the bed, knocking Ewan to the side, and flinging chips everywhere.  
  
"Th-THANK YOU for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with Moulin Rouge!" She flung a handful of Pringles at Christian. Before she left, she went up to Satine, giving one last evil look. She then stormed out of the room, with a chip on her shoulder. Baha!  
  
Obi-Wan plucked some off of Christian's shoulders, popping them into his mouth and biting enthusiastically. "This is good stuff," he said, picking up the container and emptying it into his mouth.  
  
"Come what may," said Satine joyously, bounding over the bed and into Christian's arms. Christian burst out crying, his feelings hurt. He dropped Satine and sulked.  
  
A minute later Phoebe walked back in, throwing the Moulin Rouge DVD (after setting it on fire) at Christian and Satine.Without a word, she stormed back out.  
  
"Oh!" exclaimed Ewan, getting an idea as he stopped the DVD from melting. "Christian! You must see this! Obi-Wan, please get Satine out of here."  
  
Obi-Wan picked Satine up, and threw her in the closet. She banged furiously, but he stood in front of the door to block it, consuming the last of the chips and licking his fingers.  
  
"Christian, I must show you what is going to happen."  
  
Ewan turned on the DVD player, popped in Moulin Rouge, and fast-forwarded to the end. Christian almost had a nervous breakdown at the sight of Satine dying.  
  
"Now really," said Ewan, "do you want to go through this? Better to end it while you still have a chance to love someone for a long time. And do you really want to be caught unwashed and with a flea-infested beard, eh?"  
  
Christian considered, rubbing his chin. "You have a point."  
  
And without further hesitation, he ran out of the bedroom to find Phoebe.  
  
---------  
  
Toulouse looked lost, muttering, "I can't remember my line.."  
  
Phoebe was walking hastily toward the front door, her fists all balled up.  
  
Then all of a sudden, an outrageously loud shrimpy voice boomed throughout the apartment, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to LOVE and be LOVED in RETUUUUURN!!" Toulouse swang from the ceiling by a spider web, crashing into the wall.  
  
Phoebe stopped, her back toward the crowd. She made a grouchy face, not moving.  
  
"Never knew. I could feel like this," sang Christian softly from the opposite end of the room. His makeup was smeared, his eyes in tears. "Like I've never seen the sky before..."  
  
Phoebe continued to look bitter, and kept walking.  
  
"Want to vanish inside yoooour kiss, every day I'm lovin' you more and more..."  
  
Phoebe stopped walking, turning toward Christian, suddenly moonstruck.  
  
"Listen to my heeeeaaart can you hear it sing," continued Christian, opening his arms widely. "Come back to me, and forgive everything!!"  
  
Pause for dramatic effect.  
  
"Seasons my change, winter to spring..." He stared at Phoebe and whispered, "I love you."  
  
Phoebe peeled out on the rug, and ran into Christian's arms. The whole crowd cheered as the two went off in a bedroom to... uh....... sing.  
  
Moments later, Tara, Chickie, Ewan, Obi-Wan, and Satine emerged from the back.  
  
"What happened?" asked Satine, giving Obi-Wan a spiteful look. Obi-Wan burped in her face.  
  
"Christian and Phoebe are celebrating Christian's huge talent," said Toulouse.  
  
"Oh no!" Satine gasped. "This can't be happening! Why would he leave me?!"  
  
"Uh," Ewan shifted uncomfortably. "Nothing personal, babe. Just forget about him. Hey, look around the room, lots of readily available suitors willing to love you no matter how skanky you are!"  
  
Satine slapped Ewan straight across the face.  
  
"Oops," Ewan muttered, "I forgot you aren't Nic. My bad."  
  
"Well, fine then! If that's what he wants," said Satine. She walked around the room, observing all the gents.  
  
Commodus and Qui-Gon gave her funny looks and continued baking a cake together; Zidler and Toulouse played chess; Spider Man was flirting with Chickie; Legolas and Cactus Plant were engaged in a staring contest; Harry Potter was putting his wand back together with Scotch tape; Strider, Samwise, and Frodo were playing Monopoly. The real Ewan (just incase Satine would pick him) hid under Obi-Wan's robes, surprised to see Tara already there.  
  
The only one who wasn't occupied was Gandalf, who had been watching her with a smooth look on his face.  
  
Satine lifted a brow, slinking over. "Why hello there," she fawned, "That's a lovely hat you're wearing."  
  
Gandalf rubbed the tip of his pointy wizard hat, all cavalier. "You should see my staff," he said seductively. He then made a rose appear out of nowhere and handed it to her, winking. Satine gasped and smiled, sitting in his lap and curling his beard with her silky fingers.  
  
"Well," said Chickie with a yawn, "I think it's time we all get some sleep. It's been a rough day, so hopefully tomorrow we can sort things out. Your beds are all made up. Please no fighting for the bathroom in the morning. There are two of them, so take turns. Alright? Alright. Good night!" Spider Man lifted her in his arms, and they walked to bed.  
  
After that, everyone slipped into their PJs, getting with their previously announced partners, although some changes had been made.  
  
Qui-Gon and Commodus slipped into matching Teddy Bear pajamas; Commy's were pink, and Qui-Gon's were blue. They snuggled into bed, sleeping soundly.  
  
Legolas, Harry Potter, and Cactus Plant got comfy, though Harry insisted the cactus sleep on the opposite end of the bed so he wouldn't get maimed during the night.  
  
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Tara opted for nudity, dive-bombing the bed after wishing everyone a good night.  
  
Ewan McGregor curled up into the potato sack he arrived in, stole a pillow from the couch, and made his bed. He spotted a shiny gold ring on the floor, and tucked it into his underwear, thinking nothing of it. He slept at once, figuring he'd wake up from this weird dream eventually.  
  
Zidler and Toulouse slept with their bodies opposite eachother, a resounding smack being heard every so often through the night when Toulouse would mistake Zidler's crotch for a bottle of absinthe.  
  
Samwise and Frodo wore matching robes to bed; Frodo's had a small italicized "His" printed near the shoulder, and Sam's said "Hers." They chatted a bit about their new predicament before drifting off into a pleasant sleep.  
  
Strider slept by himself, strangling the pillows and soccer-punching the bed as he had all kinds of funky dreams involving Boromir, some orcs, and his future as King. Then later he had a dream about Arwen which I can't discuss out loud or I'd have to re-rate this story NC-17.  
  
"Well," said Gandalf finally, "I suppose we can put off saving the world from mass destruction for tomorrow."  
  
He and Satine flipped the covers over their heads, and that was THAT. 


	8. All in the Family

In the month that followed, the girls labored earnestly to keep things normal as...well.. such a situation could normally be. And they were successful for the most part, with minor disagreements from the multiple characters in question. Harold Zidler, for example, quarreled with Harry Potter when he caught the wizard-boy lifting lip rouge from his Caboodle. "Confounded Potter!" Zidler boomed, rousing the entire household. "I told you to stay out of my makeup!" It was well-known that Zidler was jealous of Potter on account of his vocal talents--Potter was singing his little magic heart out in the shower one day, belting out Zidler's famous Moulin Rouge! notes like it was nothing. Interestingly, Harry Potter could sing Christian and Satine's lines with as much accuracy and zest. Zidler, who had poked in to use the Johnny, was not amused. In any case, it was settled that Potter was only digging in Zidler's belongings to, as Potter insists, "play a prank on Leggie."  
  
But generally, everything was peachy. The girls had to work particularly hard to keep the respective characters from witnessing themselves on television. As hard as it was Phoebe, Chickie, and Tara completely did away with their movie collections (which means they rented out a storage unit and put them there instead--also, might I add, hooking up a VCR/DVD and TV set for when withdrawals from these relative movies would hit them). However, regular cable was still a problem, first recognized when Potter saw himself in a preview for "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" and almost went into a seizure. Then the inevitable--the characters witnessing their real-life actor-parts starring in new movies. So the girls re-evaluated their plan, and went out one day and purchased every movie in existence that does not involve any of the characters in the household, or their counterparts, or anyone else in the films they came from who might show up. Thus, the movie "The Nightmare Before Christmas" quickly became a household favorite.  
  
The characters had to stay in the apartment at all times, save for Toulouse who was the official trash-taker-outer. And then he was not allowed to utter a single word to anyone in the Outside World. Of course they lived in New York, so if someone did see a vividly dressed, drunken midget taking out ten bags of trash a week, no one questioned it.   
  
It's also helpful to admit that the girls, at liberty to amuse themselves, helped each individual dress more… modernly, to avoid any further conflict between their worlds and ours.   
Phoebe generously allowed Samwise Gamgee to wear her signature "Rocky Horror Lips" black shirt, and Frodo Baggins wore Tara's "Bone Daddy"Jack Skellington T-shirt. Gandalf the wizard wore a plain white T with baggy jeans, and his long hair in a ponytail, looking positively charming beside his new girlfriend, Satine. Satine, by the way, was getting medicine for her nasty consumption problem and doing quite well, only passing out twice a day instead of every five minutes. And Phoebe was always more than happy to remind Tara that when Satine was offered to pick from either of the girls' wardrobes, the courtesan immediately dove into Phoebe's closet rather than Tara's. Tara seemed unruffled at the time, but was known to turn a dirty shade of red at Phoebe's friendly reminders. Nevertheless… you dirty sack of…..NOW Legolas the Elf had a thing for the Nickelodeon channel and always wore his favorite red and yellow 'SpongeBob SquarePants' shirt. Despite the girls' many persuasions, Legolas would not change his hairstyle, or let anyone go near his precious silvery-dark-side-braided locks. Once Phoebe tried to sneak and redo it as he slept at night, but as Phoebe does not always think like Phoebe should, the Elf sprang at once to his feet and bit her outstretched finger nearly in two. The wound was gone in merely days thanks to the help of Strider, who was a great healer of course, and who wore Adidas sweatpants and a pink muscle shirt with noisy brown flip-flops as his outfit of choice. Still, bad blood remains between Pheebs and the Legster, but we won't go into their petty crimes against each other (like the time Legolas refilled Phoebe's feminine-shaving-cream bottle with salsa dip). Zidler and Toulouse always wore cowboy jackets with fringe; Harry Potter wore his regular school shirt and pants; Qui-Gon Jinn and Commodus were very fond of matching tuxedos with spinning bow-ties; Obi-Wan usually wore only a terrycloth robe; and Christian usually wore his wifebeater and suspender-pants, or nothing at all, to match his partner Phoebe.   
  
There was also the matter of the actor Ewan McGregor, who turned up mid-last-story when he was kidnapped on a mission given from the girls of the house to Spider-Man, Harry Potter and Aragorn (son of Arathorn, just so we're clear on that). Ewan McGregor was at first forced to stay, but after a while he grew fond of his eccentric companions and stayed of his own will. (It also pays to mention that Ewan, who unwittingly stuffed the One Ring into his underwear one night, was undergoing some awkward changes of his own. To be later explained.) The girls, of course, forbade each other to make any moves whatsoever on Mr. McGregor, and to stick strictly to their own lovers. Tara, of course, had Obi-Wan Kenobi eating out the palm of her hand (quite literally); Phoebe and Christian were dubbed "Sexaholix" on account of their frequent disappearances into nowhere to do, well, the funky monkey; Robin and Spiderman-slash-Peter Parker were very happily in luff... which brings us up to this current date where we are soon to see the latter couple depart on a much-anticipated romantic vacation to Australia. It was no trouble letting Spider-man out of the house as Peter Parker, for Parker was already a modern character and adapted fairly easily. The only trouble here would be if Parker ran into his real-life counterpart, Tobey Maguire. If this is the case, Chickie considered sensibly, then she would merely knock Parker out cold and run off with Maguire. No harm done.  
  
The hobbits Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee made a hefty fuss that this event should be celebrated immensely, in true hobbit fashion, and be the talk of the millennia. "It must put Uncle Bilbo's last birthday party to shame!" Frodo would shout, always giving Tara an ulcer. It would mean drawing great attention to themselves, which would make things…..awkward for the rest of the world.   
  
But Phoebe managed to convince Tara that it would be enjoyable and innocent. Most importantly, Phoebe promised that she wouldn't have to do any work, and on that last note Tara was at once agreeable. Everyone in the household pitched in ideas, everyone except for Spider-man and Chickie, of course, because this was a -surprise- party for them.   
  
So it is on this occasion that we begin. The girls rented out some forest land in the middle of nowhere to hold the little gathering, lying and telling Spider-man and Chickie that Legolas was going to shrivel up and die if he didn't find a tree to be with soon, which was believable enough. (Legolas had early on formed an attachment to a certain cactus plant in the living room of the girls' apartment, and only when the cactus finally died did Legolas leave its side.) So the gang told Chickie and Spider-man that to support Legolas in his time of trial, they were going to haul a bunch of tents and camplike stuff to the woods for a weekend. Interestingly, Chickie and Spidey weren't allowed to join them at the camp until later that night, insisting they stay back to record "A Knight's Tale" for Harry on HBO. Dubious, the couple agreed and stayed home.   
  
Commodus and Qui-Gon insisted there be a Fun Jump, so there was; a big red and blue one, the size of a small house. There were six tables filled with goodies of ALL sorts, including some assorted magic candies Harry had on him at the time of his arrival (mostly Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans), ten different cakes, oceans of Dr Pepper, three tables filled with meats, potatoes, breads, pizza, and various cheese, etc. There was Funny Foam, whipped cream, water guns, a giant chest full of 60's clothes, a Slip N' Slide, a small blow-up pool with floats far too big for it, water noodles, Nerf balls, a big trampoline, a sea-saw, a merry-go-round, finger paints, jump ropes, and various games like Candy Land, Wizard's Chess, horseshoes, and limbo.   
  
So here we are. In the Middle of Nowhere (official location title) among a bunch of trees; almost Forbidden Forest-like, except there aren't any werewolves, or unicorns, or Voldemorts around here. That we know of… 


	9. Concerning Forbidden Forests

Everyone was ultra-busy with party preparations in the Pseudo-Forbidden Forest, in the Middle of Nowhere. Gandalf and Obi-Wan strung up a gigantic banner everyone signed that read "Have Fun Chick and Spidey! Love, the Gang" between two huge pine trees, with Harry Potter floating in front on his broomstick to tell them if it was placed evenly. Satine and Commodus were arguing prissily over whether the bows and ribbons around the tents and trees should be pink or blue, while Zidler and Toulouse decided to get an early start in the party and began squirting each other mercilessly with Dr Pepper-loaded water guns, eventually resorting to beating each other senseless with the weapons themselves. Christian and Obi-Wan (admiring each other's exquisite features) sorted out the food, while Frodo and Sam ate it. Aragorn and Legolas talked about the good old days in Middle-earth, as they organized the tents and sleeping bags and lingerie, and such. Tara was hauling a Port-a-Potty some yards away from the big scene, behind the tents, giving Phoebe a few evil glares along her way--Tara and Phoebe had gotten into a spat earlier that day as they were preparing to leave. Phoebe was searching for one of her copies of 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' and thought it might be in the big closet in the hall, but the door budged when she tried to open it. After a few moments of building up strength, muttering things like "riki tiki tiki" for inspiration, she finally pried the closet door open and was immediately assaulted. Harry Potter's broomstick, Gandalf's staff, Aragorn's sword, Legolas' bow-and-arrow, and two light sabers came pouring out on top of her. "TARA!" she yelled beneath a hunk of Jedi robes and Elf cloaks. When Tara showed, the two immediately launched a war of obscenities, arguing over where they should save these other-worldly belongings but, most certainly not, in the hall closet with Phoebe's 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' (which was the only thing in it prior). Eventually all was ended when Tara tossed Phoebe's book over her head and stalked off. The two hadn't spoken since. Back to present….  
  
As Phoebe busied herself with putting plastic umbrellas upside-down into glasses of mud-flavored Kool-Aid, Ewan slipped in, pulling her secretly aside. He fidgeted.  
  
"Um.. is something wrong?" Phoebe asked, noticing Ewan had a dark complexion and a scruffy jaw, not that any amount of scruff and darkness could spoil that delectable face.  
  
"I.. I haven't been sleeping very well, Pheebs."  
  
"Oh? Gandalf snoring again? I'll have a talk--"  
  
"No, it's not ol' Gandy… although now that you mention it, someone should stuff a sock into that bloody hole in his face. But that's not the problem... It's this bloody dream I've been having, over and over, the same one!"  
  
"Hmmmm, do share," said Phoebe sexily, stealing closer to him with raised brows, imagining the sorts of dreams Ewan (aka Sex Kitten) must be having.  
  
Ewan leaned forward in the utmost secrecy, his eyes always darting around to be sure no one was near. "I keep seeing this.. giant… fiery….. crotch."  
  
Phoebe gasped, watching Ewan run his hand anxiously through his bushy reddish hair. She caught a glint from his hand, from a gold Ring that lay dully on his ring finger.   
  
"I know it sounds odd!" continued Ewan. "It's a big… big.. black, oh it's horrible, terrifying, big black and orange--"  
  
"Ewan!" intercepted Phoebe, realizing. "That's not a crotch. It's the Great Eye of Sauron!"  
  
Ewan considered, even though he didn't know who the devil Sauron was, he smiled brightly and exclaimed boisterously, "Oh! Well that makes me feel much better, thanks love!" and donating a kiss to her cheek, he skated away, chuckling to himself and laughing merrily, obviously very relieved that he wasn't some perv who subconsciously liked fiery crotches. "The Eye of Sauron! Just an eye!" he repeated to himself, amused as he left.  
  
Phoebe was perturbed however, and when Tara returned from the deep forest, wiping sweat from her brow and smelling awkward, Phoebe pulled her aside.  
  
"Dude! We--huh, what's that smell?"  
  
"I just moved the potty, eh, give me a break!" said Tara, jerking away defensively. But Phoebe grabbed and shoved her against a tree, looking very serious.  
  
"Now listen," said Phoebe, trying not to breathe through her nose, "We have to declare a truce so I can tell you something."  
  
"Remove your hands from my throat," replied Tara frostily, "and perhaps we can do business."   
  
Phoebe contended, then said hastily, "Ewan… has seen The Eye."  
  
Tara shifted uncomfortably. "But how!"  
  
"Well how do ya think!" scolded the other.  
  
"Well," said Tara, as if it pained her, "we must tell Obi-Wan."  
  
Phoebe eyed her squarely. "And WHY would we do that?"  
  
"Uh.. because.. he's got the Eye!"  
  
"What?!"   
  
"Wait," said Tara suddenly, observing the large O-shape of Phoebe's mouth, accompanied by the V-shape of her eyebrows. "What 'eye' are we discussing here?"  
  
"The eye of Sauron, you dotard!"  
  
"OH!"  
  
Phoebe gave Tara a hysterical look. "What freakin' eye did you think I was talking about?!"  
  
"Um, oh, nothing! Let's go--" but Phoebe stopped Tara before she could snape, oops, I mean -snake- away.   
  
"Taaaaara. What eye?"  
  
"Well, see," explained Tara reasonably, "Obi has.. this.. birthmark on his.. well, you know, and it looks like an eyeball! It's really light, you have to get real close. We jokingly refer to it as the Eye in the Ball--"  
  
"OH," said Phoebe hurriedly, "okaaaaay then."  
  
"So Ewan has the One Ring! I thought when Frodo said "he quit" the ring would have magically disappeared or something…" said Tara, enthusiastically avoiding the birthmark subject.  
  
"No, unfortunately, but it doesn't seem to be causing that much trouble yet. Now what are we going to do?"  
  
"Uh, take it away from him and throw it BACK into the fiery chasm FROM whence it CAME?"  
  
Phoebe stuffed her hands in her pocket, for fear of using them to backhand Tara. "Well, obviously the Ring doesn't affect us like it does them, because Ewan didn't disappear while he was wearing it. He just told me he's been having some spooky dream about a fiery, um, eye."  
  
"So we give him some valerian root and move along with life, geez." Tara brushed her foul, smelly hair from her eyes, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world.   
  
"Fine. We won't worry about it this weekend, but after the party we have to think seriously. We can't just let the Ring run wild! You know Frank, the Goblin and Saruman are still missing--and I highly doubt HE has forgotten the Ring." Phoebe sighed. "So let's just do this thing, and sort it out later."   
  
Tara agreed, and together they walked to the middle of the camp, where everyone was slowly gathering once finished with their individual duties. Pretty soon a car dripping with webs came driving up, and they recognized it to be Spidey and Chickie's.   
  
"OKAY! Everyone hide!!!" screamed the girls, and so everyone hid. At once the entire place was cleared of all living things. Even the birds kept their beaks shut, and the snake Harry was talking to in some weird spitty language stuffed his tail in its mouth.  
  
Chickie and Spidey stepped out of the car and wandered around in awe at the deserted, extravagant party setup.   
  
"What the--"  
  
…but before Spidey could finish, everyone pounced out of their hiding places and yelled as one: "SURPRISE!!!!!!"  
  
Chickie and Spidey received a ton of hugs and thwacks and "aw shucks" and "good lawdy" and "get your hand off my--"…etc. Suffice to say, they were thoroughly impressed and happy, joking around with Harry Potter who had actually seen 'A Knight's Tale' twenty times.  
  
The party began at once. 


	10. What IS this?

Insanity commenced.   
  
Ewan McGregor at once began to bounce himself all over the Fun Jump like a misplaced ping pong ball; Phoebe and Tara with him, copping all the feels they could manage... off of EWAN, silly. Samwise and Frodo were also in the Jump; Frodo curling up in a ball and so that Samwise could catapult him from one wall to another, both laughing hysterically. Occasionally the girls would fly by the hobbits, Phoebe always giving Samwise a playful smack on the rear, and Tara pulling Frodo's perpetually scraggly hair. When the hobbits tried to get them back for the unwelcome trespasses, the girls would just bounce right over their heads.   
  
Commodus was running around rabidly with a swim noodle, trying to sword fight anyone who was unarmed. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were in the small blow-up pool, their hairy wet legs dangling over the sides, their large swim trunks poofing in and out to allow for some mighty fine peeks. Phoebe would occasionally peek at Obi-Wan to try and see the evasive birthmark, but always he would catch her looking and she'd have to play it off like there was something in her eyes. After a while, of course, there's only so many bees that will fly into one's face. The Jedi were also munching leisurely on slices of pizza, dropping strips of cheese and chunks of sausage in the water, some of which was stuck in Qui-Gon's hair (not that Obi was going to tell him anything). Gandalf and Satine were testing a bowl of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans--Satine giggling profusely at Gandalf's unforunate luck, as he had already found a rotten tomato flavor which he mistook as cherry, the bark from a tree that looked like root beer, and what appeared to be a lemon marangue was actually a dirty toenail. Satine was almost bowled over with tears of laughter until she bit into a rotten-roadkill-skunk bean she thought would be Oreos. Then things weren't so funny anymore, and not even Gandalf would dare give her a kiss once that flavor sunk in. Spider-man and Chickie had already disappeared into one of the many big green tents around the camp, doing..... well.... laundry, of course. Christian was walking and talking alongside Legolas, who was getting teary-eyed as they approached a large oak. At once Legolas jumped forward and began fondling the knots of the tree, whispering secretly, and Christian decided to take his leave, giving the Elf and his new companion a wild look before retreating to the Fun Jump.   
  
Zidler and Toulouse were mysteriously absent. Harry Potter sat quietly by himself at the base of a tree almost as skinny as he was. Tara's eye caught the sad little wizard, and with a final struggle to get out of the Fun Jump (she had to bounce off of Ewan's back, jump from Frodo's shoulders, then tuck underneath a pair of legs she recognized to be Christian's, who was at once pouncing Phoebe), she approached Harry.   
  
"What's up, Pottie?"  
  
He huffed under his arms, which were folded on his knees, and muttered, "I hate it when you call me that."  
  
"Alright, alright, Harry," Tara said grudgingly, "Why so glum?"  
  
Then Harry lifted his head, and Tara could see a little yellowish dribble from his nose, and the puffiness of his face which made it pretty obvious that he'd been crying a river. There was also some wetness near the crotch of his pants, but Tara decided it was from all the tears falling down, and not because he missed the Port-a-Potty that was a foot away. She pretended not to see the snot on his face, looking around the forest instead of directly at him.  
  
"Well," replied Harry sullenly, "it's just that I have no real friends here."  
  
"What about Leggie?"  
  
"Ever since we got to the forest, he hasn't said a word to me," said Harry, fresh tears forming behind his glasses, "Apparently trees and leaves make better company."  
  
Tara sighed, patting him on the head. "Now, now Harry. Legolas is a wood elf, after all. Have -you- tried talking to a twig yet?"  
  
Harry glared.   
  
"Heheheh, naw I'm just messin' around, geez. Well come on and join us in the Fun Jump."  
  
"No, I can't.."  
  
"Aw, come on.. I just heard Frodo saying that he missed you!"  
  
"Really?" Harry's eyes twinkled.  
  
Tara glanced warily back at the Fun Jump, where Ewan was sitting on Frodo's face while Samwise tried to pry the delirious Scotsman off of his master.   
  
"Um, sure," said Tara quickly, ignoring that particular scene. "Just get up and let's join the fun!"  
  
Harry smiled weakly, scrambling to his feet. Tara cleared her throat matter-of-factly and handed him a napkin, motioning that he wipe his nose. Harry said "oh, thanks!" before smearing the strand of snot across his face, not realizing, as he disposed of the napkin. Tara glared down at him, seeing no point in arguing, and knowing she would never tell a wizard he had boogers on his face, she lead him to the party, reflecting on the time she told Gandalf he had drool on his beard and he angrily lit a firecracker under her arse.   
  
Eventually it came to be that ALL were in the Fun Jump, everyone getting beat up and bruised by everyone else and loving the heck out of it. Everyone except for the still mysteriously absent Zidler and Toulouse.   
  
But finally the time for winding down came to pass.  
  
Christian walked to his tent with Phoebe on his shoulders, drunkenly singing "Lass of Aughrim" together; Gandalf and Satine wobbled unsteadily to their tent; Samwise carried a grim-looking Frodo with Ewan sniggering behind them to a tent; Harry stayed behind to sulk some more; Qui-Gon slapped Commodus across the face for trying to dismember him as they walked to their own tent; Legolas curled himself around the oak; and Tara raced Obi-Wan to their reserved tent, but tripped over a branch and disappeared behind Obi's hysterical giggles. ("Haha! You fell, you silly ho!")  
  
"Damn dirty Jedi," grumbled Tara as she rose to her feet, pulling grass out of her teeth. But then something caught her attention--a pair of claws ramming into her head. She looked up frantically to find an owl hooting and hissing, a letter clamped neatly in its beak. Tara looked around suspiciously, wondering if this was some kind of joke, but the owl at once charged her, its little face determined and impatient. She ducked out of its way, avoiding the loss of her nose to those sharp claws, and hastily snatched the letter.  
  
She stared cautiously at the envelope, which had scrawled on it: "Tara or Phoebe, Pseudo-Forbidden Forest, Middle of Nowhere, USA."   
  
Before opening it, Tara ran to Phoebe and Christian's tent, the owl on her tail hooting and squawking viciously.   
  
"ALRIGHT!" she yelled, as it pecked a map of Hogwarts into her forehead. She ran over to a half-empty bag of Fritos chips, and fed some to the owl who gave her one of those 'it's about time' looks. Then she continued toward her goal.  
  
"Phoebe!! Look!" Tara exclaimed as she tore into the tent. But Phoebe was quite preoccupied; she and Christian galloping all over their sleeping bags (pillows fashioned as buildings) singing 'Elephant Love Medley' to one another.   
  
"We can be herooooooesss," they were singing, "forever and ev---"  
  
"EXCUSE ME!" Tara flung a flashlight between their near-kissing faces.   
  
They stopped quickly to look at her, Christian glaring at this interruption in an "EVIL maharajah"-type way.   
  
"DON'T look at me that way, little boy!" Tara seethed, and his face immediately dropped, and he smiled brightly.   
  
"Coooome what may," he sang softly. Tara just gave him A Look, muttered "suck up," and got all soft. (Christian is, of course, the only person who knows how to get anything he wants from the girls.)  
  
"Errrr, what's that?" asked Phoebe, staring at the crinkled letter in Tara's fist.   
  
"I dunno!" Tara replied, unclenching it excitedly and showing the cover to Pheebs. "It just arrived, via an annoyed and vicious OWL!"  
  
"An owl!?"  
  
"An owl!"  
  
"What's this? What's this! There's magic in the air..."  
  
"What's this! There's--(Christian AHEMs loudly)--ehhhh, anyway. Let's open it!"  
  
So they all huddled and Tara ripped it open like a four-year old at Christmas. The letter appeared to have been written in a hurry and it was very brief, reading: "4 of your shortest friends will be arriving soon."  
  
Phoebe and Tara exchanged funky glances.  
  
"What does it mean?" said Phoebe, in a small voice.  
  
"I... I have NO idea," replied Tara, in a smaller voice. The two looked at eachother in mysterious silence for so long their calves began to cramp.  
  
"You said it came via owl?" piped Christian helpfully, scaring the bejeezus out of everyone. "Well let's see the owl, maybe that will help?"  
  
Figuring Christian wouldn't know didley squat about the Harry Potter books anyway, it wasn't a totally hopeless suggestion. So the three went out to find the feathery deliverer of this message, who was headfirst in a can of nacho cheese Pringles. It's fan-like brown tail and little feet were the only thing they could see.  
  
"Ex.. Excuse me," said Phoebe cautiously, as Tara warned her that this owl was not to be messed with.  
  
The owl removed its head from the container, large yellow eyes peering dryly at them. "Hoot."  
  
"Thanks. We were just wondering if you might be able to tell us more about who sent this letter?" Phoebe asked, feeling sort of stupid for talking to a bird with a cheese mustache on its beak.  
  
"Hoot, hootie, hoot."  
  
"Mmhmm. So nothing at all, not one little det--?"  
  
"HOOT."  
  
"Okay! So if it's thiiiiis private... it must be a message from Albus Dumbledore!"  
  
"Hootie, hoot, hooters," replied the owl finally, bristling his tail, turning his back, and resuming his ambush of the snack table.   
  
"Didn't tell us anything!" said Phoebe stressfully, catching the suspicious look in Tara and Christian's eyes. "What?"  
  
"You were talking to that owl!" said Christian, disbelievingly. "I didn't know you could talk to owls! Why, oh why, didn't you tell me you could talk to owls? I thought we agreed no secrets! Come what may, damnit! I didn't write that song for you just to--"  
  
"Christian, you wrote that song for Satine."  
  
"Well," he said hastily, "You should've told me, that's all I'm saying."  
  
"Listen babe, it's hard to explain," began Phoebe, but she was at once cut off by a loud rustling noise in the trees nearby. Tara, in a panic, grabbed a handful of leaves from the ground and held them over her face as a disguise. Phoebe gave her a ridiculous look, but the according smart remark was cut off by yet another rustling, this one closer. The three backed up carefully, never taking their eyes off the undulating trees in front of them.  
  
"Who's there?" said Phoebe, so lowly that only Tara and Christian could hear her. Tara gave her a painful nudge to say it again. "Who.. Who's there?" she said loudly, making the hostile owl jump and glare. Incredulously, he spat an m&m at her.   
  
There was a brief silence... and then: BAM! Four small figures came tumbling out from nowhere in an immense ruckus. Phoebe and Tara at once jumped on the object closet to them, which happened to be Christian, to whom they clung like monkies on an electric fence, scared out of their wits.   
  
The figure who had fallen closest to them, and on whom three others sat piled, spoke first: "Watch-ett! BLIMEY!"   
  
The girls declawed themselves from the penniless writer, realizing how familiar that voice sounded.......  
  
"It figures!" said another lump, the voice higher in pitch and feminine, but with the same accent as the first. "Trust two men with hairy feet and no sense to lead us in the middle of nowhere! We could have very well done that ourselves, if you please!"  
  
As the dark pile of people shifted, the two other grunting and grumbling voices spoke: "Bless my carrots, where are we?" said one; "Oy, I dun't know!" replied the other, exasperated.  
  
Finally the girls, clinging anxiously to eachother and biting their lips, moved as one toward the pile, who were organizing themselves into individuals. When the strangers finally stood, dusting their cloaks and robes off, the girls could finally see who each was: a large bushy head of hair accompanied by a tall red-topped one emerged, alongside two same-shaped creatures with big feet, curly hair, and chubby bodies.  
  
"Yes, it's them!" hissed Phoebe in pee-your-pants excitement as Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Peregrin Took, and Meriadoc Brandybuck came into the light. 


	11. The Sorting Handkerchief

"You're Ruper--er.. Ron Weasley!" said Phoebe at once, shaking his hand roughly until they were both dizzy. "Pleasure to meet you!"  
  
"Y-y-y-y-y-eeee-ssss," replied Ron, his arm jerking out of its socket. Tara cleared her throat loudly, giving Pheebs a sharp look. Phoebe continued to stare at Ron, eyes thoroughly glossed over with saucer-sized pupils. When still she wouldn't let go, Tara swiped Phoebe off her legs Matrix-style. Phoebe shook her head groggily, her eyes re-focusing as she scrambled back to her feet still goofily smiling at Ron, who was hiding behind Hermione's hair.   
  
"Hermione Granger," said the girl at once, extending her hand so roughly Tara's shirt flew up over her shoulders as if in a harsh wind.   
  
"Yes, we know," said Tara and Phoebe, taking turns shaking her hand, then having to massage their bloodless fingers.  
  
"I know," Hermione replied briskly, "I just prefer a proper introduction."  
  
"Here, here!" followed Merry and Pippin, running up to acquaint themselves.   
  
"Merry and Pippin!" the girls exclaimed, embracing the hobbits, much to their surprise.   
  
"So is it true?" asked Merry, Pippin at his heel in wide-eyed enthusiasm.  
  
"Is what true?" asked Tara, keeping an eye on Phoebe as she experimentally pinched Ron's cheeks, making his face ten times as scarlet as usual.  
  
"Are Gandalf and Frodo and all the others really here?!"  
  
"Yes," replied Tara, baffled. "But how did you know?"  
  
"We dun't know, really," replied Pippin. "It all happened so quickly. I say the queerest experience we've ever had!"  
  
"Yes," chimed Merry, looking troubled. "One minute we were there with the Fellowship and all, and then... whoom! We're here, with these two!" He motioned to Hermione and Ron. Then the hobbit leaned in secretly and whispered, "Red is the best of fellows I've ever met, but the lass.. now there's a crooked one, eh."  
  
Tara nodded, snickering. "Yes, we know all about her."  
  
"Indeed," Pippin muttered under his breath like Merry. "Would not stop going on about some business of 'exams' and 'grades' and a tavern or somethin' called Hog Warts. It's the strangest thing," he said, looking adorably worried.  
  
Tara stood upright, not all crouched and hobbit-sized, plopping her arms around the hobbits shoulders and walking between them as she said aloud, "Aw there's nothing to worry about. This has been an unusual experience for everyone, but you are in safe hands. Come, let's go and introduce you to the rest of the family, and get you hobbits back with your group."  
  
They all began to walk to the camp, except for Phoebe, who was gently patting Ron on the head, eyes all gooey and soft. ("Mental, that one," Ron would whisper to Hermione concerning Phoebe.) Tara stepped hard on Phoebe's toe as she passed, and the girl finally snapped out of it. But before she took off, Phoebe noticed Christian moping quietly by a tree, meekly kicking up dirt.  
  
"What's wrong sweets?" said Phoebe, scooping her arm around his and urging him to walk. He just stood stiffly, not moving, just all mopey and stuff.  
  
"Why haven't you introduced me to any of your friends?" he asked in a quiet, betrayed voice.  
  
"Well they've only just arrived," she said, trying to sound cheerful and avoiding another spat.   
  
"I feel like I don't know you anymore," he said, his chin vaguely wobbling.  
  
"Want to write a song together?" asked Phoebe completely besides-the-pointedly, looking adorably up into his eyes.  
  
"Sure!!" he replied, sweeping her off her feet and racing through the trees.  
  
"No, no!" yelped Phoebe, making Christian skid to a halt. "I really mean... *write* a *song* together!"  
  
"Ohhh," said Christian, embarrassed.   
  
"And also get to know my, uh, friends," she added quickly. Christian was joyous and excited and of course jealous, although he distinctly promised he wouldn't be. Then they made out for about ten minutes before rejoining the group.   
  
"So is it true?" said Hermione, right on Tara's feet as they walked. "Is Harry really here? OUR Harry? Is this where he's gone off to?"  
  
"Yes, yes," said Tara, trying to shoo her away. Eventually her foot tumbled into Tara's ankle, making Tara fall once again stomach-flat on the ground. Tara spat ferociously as she stood back up, aided by Pippin and Merry. "Now seriously! You've got your own feet, get off of mine!" she snapped at Hermione. Hermione apologized hastily. The incident was immediately followed by peals of manly laughter, which they knew belonged to Obi-Wan as he approached them.  
  
"You fell again!" he wheezed, nearly doubled over. "Oh heavens, you will be the death of me yet, you clumsy little girl!"  
  
There was a dead silence before Tara replied edgily, a sweat breaking over her brows, "Little. Girl?"  
  
Obi-Wan wiped a tear away, then looked smugly down at her. "Yes! LITTLE. Giiiiirl."  
  
Then out of nowhere came the sound of a screeching cat among banging trash cans as Obi-Wan and Tara launched into a WWF-type battle deep in the forest. (NO ONE CALLS TARA A LITTLE GIRL!) Phoebe drew the newcomers together, said, "Eh, we better leave them at it, this might take a while," and lead everyone safely to the tents.   
  
Along the way, they crossed a boy and his broom sleeping soundly in a hammock made out of spiderwebs between two skinny trees. Hermione and Ron could barely control themselves at the sight of Harry, and at once they stormed up to him screaming excitedly: "HAAARRRYYY!!!!"   
  
The boy's eyes shot open and he screamed quite girlishly as the spider-webbed bed flipped him around and around while he struggled to get up. When he finally stopped spinning, he was facing the ground, but still sticking to the upside-down bed. His glasses fell softly on the ground.   
  
"Wicked!" said Ron, his eyes buldging. "I've got to try that!"  
  
"RON?!" Harry squealed, though in his position he could hardly see anything. "Ron is that you!"  
  
"Yes, Harry!" chirped Hermione. "And me!"  
  
"Hermione! Wow, you guys are actually here! Amazing! Only.. I wish I could see you."   
  
At once Hermione lifted her wand to aid him, and the hobbits flung themselves on the ground screaming, "Incoming!!"  
  
She eyed them crossly. "It's just a WAND," she grumbled, and the hobbits slowly rose to their feet, all bashful. Then she pointed the wand at Harry, yelling, "Unstickyiculous!" and Harry detached from the hammock and landed on his belly, scooping his glasses back onto his face. And then of course there was a mushy little friendly reunion between himself and Ron and Hermione, complete with a brief recap of all that went on at Hogwarts while he was gone, until Harry paused to stare at Merry and Pippin (who were roughly trying to make a fire using Hermione's wand).   
  
"Give it!" she screeched, yanking it out of Pip's hand.  
  
"Ey!" said Pippin in disbelief, "that was a perfectly useful stick!"  
  
"Stick? This is a WAND, and I'll show you just what it can do if you don't--"  
  
"Blimey!" interrupted Harry, his eyes fixed on the hobbits. "They look just like Sam and Frodo!"  
  
"Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins? Indeed! We must see them at once!" said Merry, collecting the disgruntled Pip and bombarding Phoebe.  
  
"Okay, okay," said Phoebe, hastily directing them toward Sam and Frodo's tent. "By the way," she continued, "Harry.. this is Pippin (Pip: "How do ya do, Master Harry!") and Merry (Merry: "Hallo Harry!")." Harry thanked them for the introduction, finding that he quite liked hobbits, even if one did previously kick his ass.   
  
Phoebe ordered them all to wait outside as she stealthily poked in the tent to rouse Sam and Frodo. Frodo lay fast asleep, a sock securely stuffed into his mouth, and Sam sat up perkily, his head tilted as if he were listening intently to something.  
  
Phoebe couldn't resist.  
  
"CONFOUND IT ALL SAMWISE GAMGEE!" she boomed, scaring Samwise out of his trousers. "Have you been eavesdropping?!" She pounced, pinning him to the floor.   
  
"I ain't been dropping no eaves, madam, honest, I was just cutting the snore out of Frodo, if you follow me."  
  
"A bit late for trimming the hobbit?" Phoebe growled at him, incredulously.   
  
"I heard raised voices!"  
  
"What did you hear? SPEAK!" Phoebe showered the tent with spitlets.   
  
"Baghh!! Nothing importan'....That is, I heard a good deal about a hog's wart, and a weasel, and something  
about a hernia. Please don't hurt me, madam, don't make Gandalf turn me into anything ...unnatural..."  
  
"No?" said Phoebe, in a distracted way. "Perhaps not. I've thought of a better use for you." Samwise looked at her fearfully, but she just stepped off of him and beamed. "Ahh, that was fun," she laughed wholesomely.   
  
He glared at her like he glares when someone insults Frodo. "Um," she continued nervously, "good news, Sam! Pippin and Merry are here!"   
  
"Pip and Merry!" Samwise threw himself beside Frodo, shaking him vigorously awake. Frodo coughed up the sock, staring around dreamily. "Wake up Mr. Frodo, our friends are here!"  
  
Sam and Frodo struggled out of the tent and found the eagerly waiting Pippin and Merry. And then of course there was a mushy little friendly reunion between them and Merry and Pip, complete with a brief recap of all that went on in Middle-earth while they were gone.  
  
Sometime after, Tara and Obi-Wan emerged from the deep forest to the center of the campsite, both looking like they went at it with a jackel. Tara (her clothes barely clinging to her skin, with smoke all around the various light-saber holes in her shirt) and Obi-Wan (large chunks of his voluptuous beard missing), approached Phoebe and Christian.  
  
"We have decided," began Tara, looking completely strung out, but trying to keep the conversation secret, "that we need to call a Family meeting."  
  
"Okay," said Phoebe, steadying Tara on her feet as she seemed about ready to collapse. "Bright and early, then. What is it about?"  
  
"This is why we must talk now, just you and me," said Tara, one black eye closing. Phoebe eyed her friend mysteriously, dutifully dismissing Christian and Obi-Wan. Everyone else was ordered to return to their tents, where each stayed wide awake until the wee hours of the morning chatting excitedly. Except for Phoebe and Tara, who were having a very serious talk, interrupted occasionally by the resounding slapping noises of Phoebe's hand against Tara's face to keep her awake. Ewan was also awakened to join this conversation, as the three of them were the only real-life people with something very important and...er... real-life-ish to discuss.   
  
The next morning came too damn quickly. All the members of the newly declared Family saw Chickie and Spidey off, as they went away on their vacation to Australia.   
  
After the teary-eyed goodbyes and mass exchanges of hugs (Commodus took it upon himself to hug every single person, whether they were leaving or not, as the first step of his Anger Management goal), all the characters were gathered to the center of the forest, minus Zidler and Toulouse, who were still mysteriously absent.   
  
"What's this all about?" yawned Aragorn, stretching in his pinstripe PJs. Gandalf stood behind him to comb his ruffled hair and Satine was behind Gandalf, combing out his hair, and Qui-Gon behind Satine, etc... all in an chain-effort to get that business of bed-head hair taken care of.   
  
"Is it about the forest?" said Legolas excitedly, trying to untangle Hermione's fro. "I think we should stay here! To live as one with the trees and the earth!"  
  
There was a ripple of excitement throughout the crowd, and many agreeable nods. Ewan, Phoebe, and Tara (who were at the center of the circle) beckoned them to be silent. Phoebe cleared her throat.  
  
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor."  
  
Silence. Gandalf twitched.  
  
"We're here to discuss that very issue," she said, all Mr. Anderson-like. "Many of you have approached me and my assistant Tara about this, and--"  
  
"Hey, why am I YOUR assistant?" Tara interrupted, arms crossed. Handprints could distinctly be seen all over her face.  
  
"Oh alright," Phoebe replied with a sigh. "The point is, you guys have been talking about wanting to stay here permanently." She paused to glimspe all the eager faces. "And we have agreed that it is a very good idea."  
  
The crowd cheered as one.  
  
"BUT WAIT!" Ewan exclaimed, having grown increasingly more spastic since he came to own the Ring. "There is MORE! MORE I SAY!! MUCH MORE!! SO MUCH MORE THAT--"  
  
"Ewan! I think that's enough," Phoebe said sternly, settling him down. His eyebrows bounced up and down, and his mouth hung open, but he said nothing. "What Ewan means is, there's going to be a new ruling here." She became ominous, pausing dramatically.   
  
Everyone waited...  
  
and waited...  
  
And waited.  
  
"For heaven's sake woman," grumbled Tara, shoving Phoebe out the way. "Here's the deal! This very morning, you're all going to be SORTED!"  
  
There was a collective gasp and bodily freezing.   
  
"Sorted!" blurted Hermione. "Like, like at Hogwarts?"  
  
"Yes, something like that," said Phoebe, hastily reclaiming her position as Elrond. "Only it will be differnet. There are three houses into which you will all be separated and sorted. Three houses... which are the log cabins near the lake that will serve as your dormitories."  
  
"But who is going to sort us?" asked Qui-Gon, his eyes narrowing mysteriously over Ewan. Ewan scratched with both hands at his head, a couple of fleas bouncing out of his reddish spikes.   
  
"The sorting is done with a magic hat!" said Hermione, matter-of-factly.  
  
"A hat??" exclaimed Pippin and Merry as one.   
  
Gandalf blinked dumbly for a moment, before slipping his pointy wizard hat out of his pants and handing it to Phoebe. "This?" he said, confused.  
  
"Nooooo," grumbled Phoebe in frustration. "We're not using a hat!" She threw the wrinkly old thing back, after Ewan used it to blow his nose.  
  
"Well what then?" demanded Harry, everyone following his lead, spouting angry comments.  
  
Phoebe snapped her fingers loudly, and Ewan disappeared for a moment. Everyone was quiet as he returned shortly with a stool, which he placed at the center of the crowd. Phoebe snapped her fingers again, and Tara retrieved a moldy peice of cloth from her bra. She placed the cloth on the seat.  
  
Everyone stared blankly for many moments at the spectacle.  
  
"Well?" grumbled Hermione impatiently.  
  
"It works like this," began Phoebe. "You will all come up and sit in the stool and take the cloth and blow on it! The cloth will at once announce which house you belong in."  
  
Half the crowd broke out into hysterical laughter, the other half horror-stricken.   
  
"Ridiculous!"  
  
"Stupendous!"  
  
"Insane!"  
  
"Unsanitary!"  
  
"Spectacular, spectacular!"   
  
Everyone stopped to look at Satine, who shrugged.  
  
"Well," snapped Phoebe at the reactions, "It was either this, or the Sorting Toilet Paper!"  
  
Everyone was at once quietly agreeable.  
  
"But what is it?" said a small voice, who turned out to be Commodus.   
  
"This," said Phoebe anxiously, "Is the Sorting Handkerchief." 


	12. Sorting Houses

For many moments, no soul stirred or dared to speak. Everyone stared anxiously at the seemingly powerless handkerchief before them, which had mysterious stains all over. Mrehe.  
  
"So, uh, where did you find this?" It was Christian who dared to break the silence.   
  
"Good question," replied Tara, smugly. "There is a very old secret in this forest," she began with much suspense.  
  
"What is it?" asked Qui-Gon, leaning forward in anxiousness with the rest of the Family.  
  
"Well," she replied, "when I figure that out, I'll let you know."  
  
There was a great 'Aww, you suck!' chorus from the crowd, Merry and Pippin angrily waving their "Boycott Bad Acting!" banners. Tara threw them a funny look, which only made them twice as rowdy.  
  
"We want answers!"   
  
"Yeah! What's going on!"  
  
"Death to Meg Ryan!"  
  
"Alright!" yelled Phoebe defensively, the noise dying down in waves. "Tara and Obi-Wan found the magic Talking Handkerchief deep in the forest last night, and it told us what we had to do! The secret is that no one knows how this gross piece of cloth became talkative, or magical, and it's not going to tell us anything. But know one thing! We were meant to find this forest. It is our true home."  
  
Everyone was quiet and thoughtful; someone held a lighter up in the air.  
  
"Here's how we do it," continued Tara. "There are three houses as you know, and one Team per house."  
  
"Team?" inquired Hermione doubtfully.  
  
"Yes, Afro-head, TEAM," grumbled Phoebe. "Each house belongs to its respective TEAM, which means that all the people in that one house work together for different tasks, games, or whatever else comes up. Even though we will always be one big family, we will sometimes have to sacrifice and sweat and bleed and curse violently from time to time."  
  
"Okay," she continued, "the three teams go as follows: House One, your team is 'The Prancing Ponies.'"  
  
There was a murmer and exchange of curious glances from all members of Lord of the Rings.  
  
"House Two, you are 'The Sparkling Dogs.' (Again, a murmer.) And House Three, you are the "Magic Markers."'  
  
There was a few giggles at this, and the usual curious murmer (which is actually a pretty funny word if you keep saying it)... and then a weird squirt noise.  
  
"Aw blasted Pip," grumbled Ron, fanning the area before his nose, "the loo is just over there!" Pippin shrugged dismissively, his face colored.  
  
"Anyway," said Tara, ignoring them. "The Three House leaders are the three people who are from this world--that's myself, Phoebe, and Ewan." Ewan gave a light tremor, every hair on his body standing on end. Tara glanced the Ring on his finger, remembering what Phoebe told her the day before. 'He looks like he's on crack!' she thought to herself. 'But we'll deal with that soon enough.'  
  
"Now, Ewan here is going to lead the Prancing Ponies," she continued out loud, "Phoebe will lead the Sparkling Dogs, and I will lead the Magic Markers."  
  
So everyone lined up in front of the stool, a grumble here and there. The first in line (not surprisingly) was Hermione.  
  
She sat upright on the stool, lifting the handkerchief very carefully with the tip of her pinky. She sniffed at it, coughing wildly as some strange fumes emerged from the deep dark stainage of its surface. She threw a desperate look at Phoebe, Ewan, and Tara (all standing by the stool with their arms crossed, looking stern), but Phoebe just nodded as if to say 'on with it, Frizzball' so Hermione, taking in a deep breath, put the cloth over her nose and blew on it as politely as possible.   
  
At once the handkerchief seemed to come alive, undulating in Hermione's hands, and it released something like a giggle. Everyone stared in awe.  
  
"Teehee! That tickled!" squealed the handkerchief, it's folds forming a little "mouth" with which to talk.   
  
"S.. sorry," said Hermione, eyeing it like Ron might eye a gigantic spider.   
  
"Now on to business!" The handkerchief's high-pitched girlish voice suddenly turned extremely deep and manly. Hermione jumped as it said her name. "Hermione Granger," the cloth grunted, "Never quite sharp on style, though there's always room for improvement. Miss Granger, yes...Always ready with a solution. Hmm, where to put you, where... I know! SPARKLING DOGS!"  
  
Phoebe was the only one who cheered, since she was the only one so far in her house. Hermione slid off the stool and marched, with some reluctance, behind Phoebe who yelled "Next!"  
  
It was Ron's turn, and he lifted the handkerchief doubtfully. Holding his breath, he blew softly on it.   
  
"Aw now seriously Mr. Weasley," squeaked the handkerchief. "You can do better than that!"  
  
Ron stared blankly around the crowd, then shrugged. "You... want me to blow my nose again?"  
  
"Yes, yes!" grumbled the handkerchief. "Put some power into it! Use what ya mama gave you, son!"  
  
Ron took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could into the cloth, which flew out of his hands and began to soar over everyone's heads, it's corners touching like it were clapping.  
  
"That's more like it!" the handkerchief shrieked excitedly and, to everyone's shock, it drifted all the way back to Ron's outstretched hand without ever falling to the ground. Ron looked nearly ready to pass out.  
  
"Now, Ronald Weasley," said the handkerchief grizzily, "You have red hair! There is no other house meant for you than the Sparkling Dogs!" Ron sighed, utterly relieved to be away from the schizophrenic rag, and raced to meet Hermione and Phoebe, who's eyes were glowing so proudly she looked a bit deranged herself. She grabbed Ron and gave him a big sloppy kiss, turning him the exact shade of his head. Everyone laughed except for Christian, who's mouth hung open in disbelief.  
  
"Phoebe!!!! Wh.. Who.. Wh... HOW could, whaa!...." he trailed off, turning purple and flinging money everywhere. He ran toward Ron and Phoebe in a fit of rage, but the handkerchief leapt up off the stool immediately and slapped him clean across the face. (It didn't hurt, of course.)   
  
"Youuuur gift is your sooong," the hankie sang into Christian's face, startling him and everyone else present.  
  
"Well if it isn't the poetic penniless writer!" the handkerchief bellowed, stuffing itself up Christian's nose and making him turn brighter than day. "It is your lucky day, Christian--Mr. Shy and Sad of Eye!" (Christian just gawked.) "You belong in the Sparkling Dogs!"   
  
Christian, not knowing what to say or do, just kind of dragged himself next to the other Dogs.   
  
(Phoebe later jumped him like a trampoline to make up for lost time.)  
  
Harry Potter was next, and he sat on the stool rather cautiously. He blew the hankie. The hankie let out an exaggerated "Oooooooooooohhh! Bless my lace! It's Harry Potter!" Harry blushed, adjusting his glasses like a dork.   
  
"Well Mr. Potter, I think you know precisely where you must go! MAGIC MARKERS!"   
  
Harry gasped, all upset that he wasn't with Ron and Hermione, and slugged over to the madly cheering Tara. "Whooohoo!" she screamed, "That's ONE POINT FOR ME!!"  
  
"Uh Tara, we're not *playing* anything," said Phoebe dryly.   
  
Tara deflated and muttered: "Oh."  
  
Next up was Frodo, and the minute the handkerchief touched his nose it shouted "Prancing Ponies!" Frodo, shocked at the quick reaction, scurried over to Ewan (leader of House One) who was so excited about his first member that he began doing jumping jacks over the hobbit's head.   
  
"YYYYEAH!!" Ewan shouted so loud that Zeus had to come down and tell him to shut up. "That's a score for the Ponies, baby!!!"   
  
"Ewan," said Phoebe in a terrific demonstration of patience, "We're. Not. Playing. A. Game."  
  
Ewan wound down slowly and said in a real quiet voice: "Oh."  
  
Next up was Samwise, who instinctively followed Frodo without even touching the hankie. No one argued. Ewan collected his new member with a little more pinache; doing carthweels in silence, rather than awakening the heavens.  
  
Next was Commodus. He blew on the hankie, and the hankie blew back without saying anything. Commodus, confused, shook it around a little to see if it was broken.  
  
"Ey! Knock it off!" griped the handkerchief. "I was just doing some serious thinkin', Your *Highness.* Hmm...Now where to put royalty, where oh where.. Ah! Magic Markers for you, Emporer!"   
  
Tara skipped around in a circle as the disgruntled Roman moved to her side, all the while glaring down at Harry Potter.   
  
"You're lucky we're on the same team, Pothead," Commodus muttered under his breath.   
  
Then there was Legolas, who more or less squeaked instead of blowing into the cloth.   
  
"Bahahaha!" the hankie blurted. "Legolas of Mirkwood! Tell us, how mirky IS your wood?" Then the hankie twisted and turned in Legolas' hand, laughing so hysterically at itself a little yellow liquid seeped from its seams. Everyone stared in silence; Legolas made the face he makes after Gandalf falls into shadow.  
  
"Aaaaanyway," said the hankie, shaking off a few more giggles. "Prancing Ponies, Master Elf! Go on before I kill myself here, whoo.. mirky woods.. abahhahaa.."  
  
Legolas obeyed, throwing the cloth down on the ground and receiving a laundry list of obscenities from it in return. Aragorn, who was next, lifted it and sat down. He actually sneezed into the cloth, thoroughly wiping his nose with it, grunting.  
  
"Uh, gee thanks," grumbled the handkerchief, "You must be that blasted Ranger, Aragorn. Or Strider. Or Estel. Or Elessar. Or He-Who-Does-Not-Know-The-Meaning-Of-Shampoo. You are so obviously a Magic Marker, now get outta here!"   
  
Tara cheered by herself again, smacking Commodus and Harry over the heads. They gave miserable "yay's" through their teeth. Aragorn lined up beside Tara, proudly puffing out his chest as she tentatively braided the under-arm hair that stuck out from his pajamas.   
  
Obi-Wan gave her the evil eye, huffily sitting in the stool and blowing angrily into the hankie.  
  
"Ooo, a Jedi Knight," cooed the hankie. "So manly, so very sexy. It's Obi-Wan, Attack of the Clones-style!" (Obi gave it a strange look.) "You belong with the Magic Markers!" Obi-Wan grunted, placing himself on the other side of Tara, glaring jealous-fully at Aragorn. Tara began to brush out Aragorn's chest hairs. Obi turned red.  
  
Next up was Qui-Gon, who blew on the hankie without bothering to sit. The handkerchief came to life, complimenting Qui-Gon on his well-kept hair and glorious endowments (drawing curious reactions from the crowd) before finally settling him in the Sparkling Dogs. Phoebe welcomed him to her House, staring squarely at his middle and wondering if what the hankie said was true.   
  
"It has to be," whispered Samwise at her side. Phoebe smiled suggestively at the Jedi, winking behind Christian's back. Qui-Gon wasn't looking, however, as his eyes were focused on Christian's backside. Phoebe lifted a brow, gasped to herself, and continued to watch the ceremony without a word.  
  
Next up was Merry. He was immediately sent to the Prancing Ponies. Ewan lifted him up on his shoulders, shouting 'for he's a jolly good fellow' until the others couldn't take it anymore and taped his mouth closed.  
  
Then there was Pippin, who was immediately sent to the Magic Markers. Tara's eyes glossed at the sight of the little hobbit joining her crew, and she gave him a friendly pinch on the butt. He blushed. Obi stomped his foot. Tara ignored him.  
  
Up next was Gandalf. He sat, blew politely into the hankie, sending the jolly little cloth into fits of laughter.  
  
"Whaah! Whoo hoo! The beard tickles, it tickles!" When it composed itself, it continued, "Master Gandalf! A wizard of wizards! Where, I wonder, should you be?"   
  
"Uh, Prancing Ponies?" said Gandalf flatly.  
  
The hankie was quiet for a while before stiffly saying, "That is MY job, you know."  
  
Gandalf shrugged and walked over to the Ponies. Ewan, so overwhelmed by the thought of Gandalf the Grey joining his company, had to be held down for fear of attacking the wizard.  
  
Last up was Satine, who courtsied sweetly before sitting down in the stool, accidentally crushing the handkerchief.   
  
"Oompf! Get off of me, wench!" it growled viciously, and Satine sprang to her feet.  
  
"My dear hankie, I am SO dreadfully sorry!" she gasped.  
  
"Yeah, just can it sweet tits! Pick me up and blow me!" the hankie grumbled. Satine complied, gagging from the weird smell. (Mrehe.) "Well you know where to go, Red! Now get outta here!"   
  
Satine scurried over to the Sparkling Dogs, shaking hands with everyone except for Christian. The two eyed eachother awkwardly for a moment before Christian stiffly said, "Hello Satine."  
  
"Hello Christian."  
  
"I'm so glad you could join our House," he said without feeling.  
  
"So am I," she replied, just as dryly.   
  
"Been feeling better?" he asked indifferently.   
  
"Yes, much," she replied in the same tone.  
  
There was a long awkward silence.   
  
Finally Phoebe spoke up.   
  
"Well I guess we should be moving on to our designated Houses, now, so everyone follow your team leader and let's go." She scooped the colorful hankie up into her bra, and marched toward the lake.   
  
The Prancing Ponies lined up as follows: a jittery Ewan; Frodo; Sam; Merry; Legolas; and Gandalf.  
  
The Sparkling Dogs lined up as follows: Phoebe; Christian; Qui-Gon (his eyes lowered to the view in front of him); Hermione; Ron; and Satine.   
  
The Magic Markers lined up as follows: Tara; Aragorn; Pippin; Commodus; Harry; and Obi-Wan.  
  
And off they went. 


	13. Strider's Secret

"What do you think you're doin'!?"  
  
It was Ewan McGregor's bewildered Scottish accent that resounded through all the forest. The Prancing Ponies were huddled in the middle of their log cabin, freezing in the dark. Well.. that is until Merry, Sam, and Frodo struck up a fire in the middle of the house.   
  
"You cheeky primitive bastards!" Ewan squealed as a fire began to furiously erupt, burning the wooden floors and leaving nasty black marks on the walls.  
  
"Well it's cold and dark in here, Master Greg," said Merry cherrily and quite matter-of-factly.  
  
"How else do ya expect us to get warm?" chipped in Sam.   
  
Ewan was beside himself. "LIKE THIS!!!!" he hollered, flicking on the light switch, and turning the thermostat to heat. Yes; these special log cabins had central air.   
  
The hobbits blinked stupidly. "Oh."  
  
Ewan, in a frenzy, grabbed Frodo and threw him on top of the fire to smother it. The flames died out with a miserable little sputter, as did Frodo.  
  
"Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" shrieked Samwise, who collected his ashen Master off the floor and began to fan madly at his arse, which was still lit.   
  
"You're making it worse!" Frodo squealed, as the tiny flame immediately burst into a full butt-sized one.   
  
"Oh for heaven's sake," grumbled Gandalf, who was just peeping threw a window at this tragic scene from his investigations outside with Legolas. He muttered a few words in Elvish and a light shot out from his staff, hitting Frodo's rear and instantly killing the fire.   
  
Frodo sighed in great relief, melting (but not literally) into Sam's lap.  
  
Gandalf grunted, only his dopey head visible from the window. "Ewan," he said sharply, "are you sure this is where we must stay?"  
  
Everyone stared around doubtfully, for the first time seeing the inside of their new house clearly. The walls were old and stained; the floors full of holes, the windows cracked, and various crispy creatures scuttled from one corner to another to hide from the light.   
  
Gandalf and Legolas went inside the house to join the others; Legolas looking around as if he were surrounded by a pile of stinky dead dwarves.  
  
"We must not linger," he whispered nervously to Aragorn, who was actually not there.  
  
"I know it's a bit, eh, uninhabited," said Ewan apologetically, "but the first Task we have to complete is that each Team clean it's House."  
  
"Oh, well then we should get after it, don't you think?" said Gandalf brightly.   
  
He lifted his staff into the air in a "You Shall Not Pass" kind of fashion, banging it hard on the ground in the same way. Immediately the place cleaned up; the windows fixed, the holes patched, the creatures gone. And there were curious decorations all around the house: the curtains were black and gold with little "PP's" sewn into them. The tablecloth in the dining room had a horse's rump complete with a puffed up tail pictured on it. Each member himself was wearing black and gold velvet robes, which had printed on the back "The Prancing Ponies" in a fancy italics font, with the symbol of "The Inn of the Prancing Pony" from LOTR underneath.   
  
"Now THIS I could get used to," said Merry appreciatively, running into the next room where a set of beds was lined up from one wall to another.  
  
"Aw! We all have to sleep in the same room??" grumbled Samwise.  
  
"And what's wrong with that?" said Frodo defensively.  
  
"Well, it's just that.. well Gandalf snores. And you snore, Mr. Frodo, but nothin' beats Master Ewan's midnight chit-chats with himself, if you follow me."  
  
Ewan blushed slightly. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Well," Samwise fumbled, all eyes on him. "It's just that.. well some things you say, Master Ewan, they can get a bit.. sketchy."  
  
"Explain yourself," demanded Gandalf.  
  
"Once," began Samwise, timidly, "....well now I'm not sure if my ears were deceivin' me, Gandalf, sir, but I'm pretty sure I heard him talkin' about.. about the end of the world, and about, well about the usual things like hobbits and elves, and....."  
  
"And?" The wizard loomed over him.  
  
"And about a fiery.... middle."  
  
"Middle?"  
  
"Ah, yes sir," said Samwise, fidgeting horribly. "Master Ewan has a fixation on fiery genitals, I think."  
  
"Gahahh!" Ewan let out some kind of weird strangled noise, turning so red it would put both Ron and Satine to shame. "It's not genitals, alright now, it's just an Eye! AN EYE!"  
  
"Ewan! Show me your hands!" said Gandalf crazily, as *something* rather obvious and alarming just occured to him.  
  
Ewan showed the wizard his hands resentfully, glaring at Samwise. Gandalf stared closely at Ewan's outstretched fingers, but saw nothing.   
  
"Do you keep a gold Ring?" he asked Ewan, not quite believing that this was it.  
  
"Ah, yes sir," said Ewan, confused.  
  
"Where is it? Are you wearing it?"  
  
"Um.... yes...." Ewan hesitated.  
  
"Where, Master McGregor, is the Ring you keep?" Gandalf now stood over Ewan, who shrank into a corner.   
  
"ALRIGHT!" Ewan burst out frantically. "Alright, I keep it on me.. eh.. Middle! For safety reasons, you see?"  
  
There was a collective groan in the room, the hobbits all turning their heads as if witnessing something embarrassing. Legolas lifted a brow, the smallest smile creeping into his 5,000 year-old little boy face.  
  
"Oh I see," said Gandalf softly. "Well just...uh... leave it. Keep it secret, keep it safe. And sleep in the bathroom from now on, eh?"  
  
"Okay!" said Ewan happily, moving to put his blankets into the bathtub. It wouldn't be a problem, considering he slept in a potato sack on the floor for an entire month. But before he could leave the room, Legolas was already pouncing on him.   
  
"Mine!!" the Elf shrieked maniacally, wrapping his arms around Ewan's waist, lifting him, and body-slamming him.   
  
"WHAT?!" screamed Ewan, utterly shocked and trying to scramble away.   
  
"It's mine, give it to me!" said Legolas more psychotically, thrashing around the room and bouncing from bed to bed as he chased a frantically running Ewan. Ewan tripped over one of the many blankets (with profiles of prancing ponies patched on them) being flung around, and Legolas was at once behind him, yanking Ewan's legs out of their sockets in a sadistic version of the Wheelbarrow.  
  
"MIiiIIiiiIIine," the Elf screeched, a bit of drool escaping the corners of his mouth.  
  
"LEGOLAS BAGG--er--GREENLEAF!" boomed Gandalf, making the Elf shrink for a moment. "What on middle EARTH are you doing??"  
  
"It's mine, Mithrandir, MINE!" Legolas replied, tearing Ewan's shirt in half.   
  
"Legolas, you know the Ring does not belong to you! You cannot wield it!" said Gandalf, pacing around in a panic.  
  
"Who cares about the Ring!??!!" yelled Legolas, laughing hysterically and trying to tear Ewan's pants off with his teeth.   
  
"Good gracious!" gasped Gandalf, trying to think up a nice, safe way to save the day.   
  
The hobbits shrugged and went outside to start a campfire and roast tomatoes.   
  
Ew, roasted tomatoes...  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Meanwhile.....  
  
The Sparkling Dogs had just entered their own cabin. When Phoebe flicked on the lights, everyone was pretty stiff at the ugliness of the inside, but none so stiff as Ron Weasley. His normally bright red hair was white...from the spider-webs dangling in the doors and all over the ceiling.  
  
Ron turned a weird shade of grey when a gigantic banana spider made it's way to the crook of his rigid arm, casually setting up more web. Ron, though not breathing, formed a trembling "O" shape with his mouth to signify that if someone didn't help, his pants would very soon be soaked.  
  
At once Hermione jumped to his aid, lifting her wand in preparation of a spell--but Phoebe was quicker. She had already snatched a fly-swatter from (probably) her bra, bringing it down tremendously hard on the huge spider. The spider crinkled into oblivion, and fell to the floor with a resounding 'splat.'   
  
Hermione turned red and put her wand away (seeming for a moment to wonder if she should beat Phoebe with it or not), giving Phoebe the most jealous look she'd ever receive in any lifetime.   
  
Ron, who had a large net print on his arm, couldn't take it; his eyes rolled back and he passed out. Phoebe caught him before he hit the ground, but fell backwards with his weight; she was caught by Christian, who was caught by Qui-Gon, who's fall was broken by Satine lying flat on the ground.  
  
"Oh. Sweet. Jesus," spat Satine, flat like an empty pillowcase. "Today's the day (grunt)... when.... (grunt) dream.. (grunt) ing... ends (lifeless sputter)."  
  
After some serious struggling, the Dogs finally managed to situate themselves. Ron was still passed out, but Phoebe kept him around her shoulder, dragging him from here to there, placing certain things into his pockets for safekeeping, like he was her own purse.   
  
Qui-Gon secretly copped some feels off of Christian as they scrambled to their feet, but Christian was by this point pretty used to people randomly copping feels off of him, so he didn't notice.   
  
"Okay," she said breathlessly, shifting Ron's dead weight from one arm to another, "our first Task is to clean the House. So everyone," she paused to catch her breath, "whoo, buddy. Everyone argggh"--she managed to sit down in a half-beaten chair, laying Ron across her lap like a rag doll--"Everyone man your stations.. let's fix this place up!"  
  
What she meant was: 'Hermione, do some magic with your wand.' And Hermione, though red-faced and infuriated with Phoebe's closeness to her secret crush, complied and lifted her wand high into the air. Phoebe leaned down a bit and retrieved Ron's wand from his underpants (respectably ignoring anything else in there) and helped Hermione as they simultaneously yelled some spells that no one understood. (Not even Phoebe understood the blubber coming out of her mouth, though she pretended for the sake of looking cooler than Hermione.)  
  
At one point the crooked chair in which Phoebe sat with Ron creaked violently, before completely shattering underneath them. Phoebe lay grunting and groaning on her arse, Ron's body thumping away as it rolled a foot or two out of her reach. Grumbling and kicking the remains of the chair, she retrieved him and set him back up to lay peacefully on her legs, which she folded like a pillow for him. (She didn't realize it until later, but when she fell the wand in her hand jerked up in such a manner that letters accidentally splashed onto the ceiling, spelling out what looked like 'D R O L.')  
  
Eventually the inside of the cabin was beautifully decorated; the walls were red, bordered in silver with charming indian designs everywhere; the bedroom had large satin pillows and blankets all different shades of burgandy; the very robes that they wore were long and crimson, with a design on the back the golden glittery profile of a french (heheh, french) poodle--the cursive writing under it read "The Sparkling Dogs."   
  
Everyone stopped to marvel at the beautiful interior of their new House. So wrapped up in the seductive Moulin-Rouge-Elephant-ish design, everyone was startled to death by a terrible ruckus in the house a few yards away, which belonged to The Prancing Ponies.   
  
They could hear through the open windows such things as 'Behind you! Duck!' and 'Wait until I tell your father about this!' and 'MY huge talent, MINE!' each always followed by some loud crashing noise, squeals, and unhinged laughter.   
  
"Um, maybe someone should go and see what's going on?" said Satine, nervously.  
  
Ron stirred in Phoebe's lap, waking from all the noise.  
  
"Is it gone?" he said groggily.  
  
"Yeah, it's gone," said Phoebe in a soothing voice, affectionately brushing back his hair. Hermione angrily stuffed her wand back into her robes, coughing loudly to interrupt their little bonding session. Christian was too busy trying to see what was going on in the other House to be jealous (his butt bent over as his upper body hung out the window to enhance his eavesdropping). Qui-Gon stood behind him to admire the view, but Phoebe decided to deal with THAT issue later. Can't be having a Jedi Master mackin' on her man, now.  
  
Ron rubbed at his rashy arm, his eyes suddenly sparkling at the new version of the House.   
  
"Wicked," he whispered in awe, standing up with Phoebe. "Hey, what's happening over there?"  
  
"We don't know," said Phoebe curiously. "Sounds like a fight."  
  
"Well let's have a look," said Christian finally, racing to the door with Phoebe.   
  
When they walked into the House of the Prancing Ponies, Christian and Phoebe saw the following scene: a wondrously decorated interior of horses and ponies; a wall complete with all kinds of roan-related tapestries, with a curious painting of Ewan McGregor pinned to the wall by elf-arrows through his half-eaten clothes.  
  
"HEY!" screeched Phoebe, realizing that this was not, in fact, a painting. "What happened to Ewan!"  
  
Then she turned and saw a weary-looking Gandalf holding back a rather deranged and hostile-looking Legolas.   
  
"A little help!" the wizard growled, as Legolas squirmy-wormied one of his arms out of Gandalf's grip and began to tickle him with his free hand.   
  
"Hoo hoo! Whaha, stop it!" Gandalf half-laughed, half-cried.  
  
Phoebe heroically ran for Gandalf's staff, which was propped against the wall, and began to beat Legolas senseless over the head with it. After a few good thwackings, Legolas' eyes crossed and with his tongue dangling out of his mouth he dropped to the floor, unconscious.   
  
Gandalf stretched, cracking his back, popping his knuckles, his old bones sounding like his infamous firecrackers.  
  
"Phew," he sighed, "That was rough. Ewan's mojo coupled with the power of the Ring was driving our Elf friend mad!" He gave Legolas a light kick.   
  
"The mojo has driven him maaad!" Phoebe said in a gritty voice, pausing once receiving unusual looks from everyone. She leaned on the staff (which was twice her height), staring at Ewan hanging on the wall by Legolas' precise arrows.  
  
"A.. little.. help," he said in a tiny voice, eyes twitching around nervously.   
  
Phoebe addressed Gandalf. "So you found out then? You know that Ewan has the Ring, but you don't intend to take it?"  
  
"Take it!" exclaimed Gandalf. "I would not dare. And no one from Middle-earth can. It is best this way. It should stay with someone from your world, dear Phoebe. I think that it will be alright. Master Ewan is quite strong, considering."  
  
A loud ripping noise sounded through the house and Ewan fell into a big Scottish lump on the floor; his shirt still dangling on the wall by the arrows.  
  
Christian at once ran to help him.  
  
"Take my arm, brother!" said Christian nobly, helping Ewan to his feet. Ewan swooned a bit before facing his onscreen alter-ego, watching Christian's eyes shine so innocently and brightly.   
  
"Damn I did I good job as you," said Ewan admirably, patting Christian on his forehead.  
  
"Pardon?" Christian narrowed his brows, confused.  
  
"Eh, nevermind," replied Ewan wearily, motioning for Christian to bring him to his bed in the bathroom.   
  
"You're sleeping in the bathtub!" exclaimed Christian, glaring impossibly at Gandalf. "That's absolutely ridiculous!"  
  
"Well, the man talks in his sleep," explained the wizard. "And he talks about.. most unnatural things."  
  
"What sorts of things?" began Christian, but he continued briskly, "Well it doesn't matter. Ewan can sleep with *me.* At least *I* will have the *decency* to help him."  
  
And giving Gandalf and Phoebe an evil look, he carried Ewan out of the house and toward his bed in the House of the Sparkling Dogs.  
  
Phoebe and Gandalf exchanged blank stares, both shrugging.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Meanwhile, the Magic Markers were mad with excitement. Tara was having a glorious time of ordering everyone around and, after explaining what the first Task was, had everyone writing all over the walls with... well, markers.. to decorate. Harry used his wand to provide the occupants with their Team robes: extremely colorful outfits in shades of blue, yellow, red, green, and any other imagineable color. On the back of the robes was patched a long wand with a pointy tip that was drenched in rainbow colors; beneath it were swirly-style words that read "The Magic Markers."  
  
Obi-Wan and Aragorn were designing their own blankets with the mark-a-lots; Aragorn doing a pretty good job of tracing his sword then coloring it in and adding pretty jewel shapes to the picture. Obi-Wan, glaring at Aragorn in the corner of his eye, was drawing a sun with a smiley face in it.   
  
Commodus and Harry were putting up the curtains--Commodus making a considerable effort to befriend the young wizard, even though he clearly hated everyone but Qui-Gon, who was the father he never had. (Qui-Gon was visiting the Magic Markers in their House, although he belongs to the Sparkling Dogs. He was there mostly to keep an eye on his "son," and to possibly get a glimpse of that handsome poet.)  
  
"Can you hand me the screws there," Harry politely asked the agitated emporer.   
  
Commodus, gritting his teeth and turning purple, replied, "No. Problem. Harry. It would be my pleasure." And he lifted the bag of screws, taking one out and looking from Harry to the screw, and back to Harry again ominously. Qui-Gon caught Commodus' evil eye, wagging him a stern finger. Commodus sighed exaggeratedly, and threw the bag to Harry, who fell off the chair trying to catch it.  
  
Qui-Gon himself was nestled in a corner, knitting a tablecloth and observing everyone at work with a calm, woman-of-the-house-type air.   
  
Tara was outside avoiding all the work and chatting enthusiastically with the hobbits (Pippin already joined them) at their campfire.  
  
"Six toes! No kiddin'!" she exclaimed following Pippin's last comment.  
  
"Oh yes!" the hobbit declared firmly. "Counted them meself!"  
  
"Huh. No wonder he's always so quiet," said Samwise. "He's a freak, he is!"  
  
"Well come on! Strider ain't all that bad," said Frodo. "I mean after all, he did save us a bunch of times."  
  
"Ah true as that may be, I'd steer clear of that one," said Merry lowly. "With six toes, he's likely to be very messed in the head. Who knows when he'll snap!"  
  
"Heh, well now I've got a secret to tell ya about Phoebe," said Tara, giggling monstrously to herself.   
  
"Oh! What is it?" said Pippin, leaning in with all the rest to hear.   
  
"Phoebe has....."  
  
"Yes, yes?"  
  
"Phoebe has!"  
  
"Yes, what is it!?"  
  
"She has five toes," Tara said finally. "Counted them meself."  
  
They all laughed jolly hobbit-laughs, except for Pippin, who just grunted at the mockery.  
  
"Well I know what I saw," he grumbled. "I'll bet you two carrots there's six of them!"  
  
"You're on!" yelled Tara.   
  
At that convenient moment, Strider came waltzing out, looking curiously from face to anxious face.   
  
"What's all this?" he said cheerily, looking sharp when the noise immediately died down at his approach.  
  
"Say Aragorn," began Tara, "do your feet hurt?"  
  
"Hurt? Maybe a little. Why?"  
  
"Ohhhhh, no reason," said Tara casually. "Some of the fellows were complaining that their toes were sore from all the work, and I was just giving out foot massages."  
  
"Really?" replied Strider with morbid interest, staring around at all the hairy gross-looking hobbit feet Tara would have presumably 'massaged.'  
  
"Um, yes," said Tara, realizing that she wasn't all that convincing.  
  
"How very generous," said Strider appreciatively, "and brave. And.. curious, since the hobbits have been out here the entire time, doing absolutely no work."  
  
Tara coughed, throwing some sticks mindlessly into the fire.  
  
"How about you?" said Pippin suddenly. "Would you like a foot massage?"  
  
"I--er--no, no thanks," Strider replied quickly. "I gotta get back to work..."  
  
But before he could turn and leave, Pippin had already yanked his ankles up over his head and pointed furiously to his feet, which were wearing only flip-flops.  
  
"Well I'll be!" said Tara, utterly surprised.   
  
Strider indeed had six toes--but only three on each foot.   
  
"Good gracious!" gasped the other hobbits. Pippin was all triumphant.  
  
"What's this about?" demanded Strider, rubbing the sore head on which he had landed.   
  
"Three on each foot!" exclaimed Samwise and Frodo together.  
  
"I thought you meant six toes, like on ONE foot," said Tara, glaring at Pip.  
  
"Well you misunderstood, you retard. Now where's my carrots!"  
  
"You get no carrots!" roared Tara. "The circumstances under which this bet was placed were not correctly explained, therefore--"  
  
"Wait!" interrupted Strider. "You put a bet on me!"  
  
"Um, well yes, we only bet vegetables," said Tara remotely. "But--"  
  
"But what!" the ranger looked defeated. "I can't believe my friends would do this! So I have weird feet, that's nothing to be ashamed of! It's what's inside that counts!"  
  
"Inside what? Your pants? I hope there's only ONE of those!" giggled Merry.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU!"  
  
Everyone bowed their heads as he scolded, except for Pippin who still had his hands held out for Tara to put carrots in them.  
  
"Come off it!" Tara howled at the hobbit, who curled his hand back and huffed.  
  
Strider had tears in his eyes. "You miserable brats!" And he climbed to his deformed feet and ran back into the house.  
  
"Eh, I'll make it up to him," said Tara, watching as he left.  
  
"How?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Mreh. Mreheheh," was her only response.   
  
"But Obi-Wan!" exclaimed Samwise. "He'll be furious if you cheat him!"  
  
"And he'd be furious if I don't." she retorted. "Obi and I have a very free relationship. You'd be surprised how sexually explorative those Jedi folk actually are."  
  
"What do you mean?" advanced Merry, looking shocked. All of them looking quite disturbed, actually.  
  
"Well I haven't actually done it myself," she admitted, "But I think Obi-Wan has *been* with almost everyone in the Family 'cept for you guys."  
  
Everyone let out a series of "ewws!" and "oh my GODs" and "crikey!" and ".....Gandalf?!"  
  
"Mwauahha," she replied. "Nasty, huh?"  
  
"Ewwww!" Frodo looked squeamish. As usual.  
  
"Eh," said Tara airily, "I'm just joking. Buwahaha."  
  
Then the hobbits in a chorus of insults threw food and grass and other things from the ground at her. She fell on her back, rolling hysterically.   
  
It was at this moment that Phoebe joined them around the campfire, wondering what they were howling about.   
  
"Hullo, Phoebe!" said Samwise jovially. "You have five toes!"  
  
Phoebe blinked. "Uh, yes that's true."  
  
"On EACH foot?" said Frodo, trying to contain his laughter.  
  
"Uh... yeah, last time I checked," said Phoebe, wondering what the hell was going on.  
  
"Well that's a relief!" shouted Merry, sending all into a fit.   
  
"Tara, may I have a word?" Phoebe gave her grassy-toothed friend a sharp look.  
  
"Ahem, sure," replied Dirt-mouth, rising to her feet and following Phoebe along.   
  
"What's going on?" asked Tara, trying to comb some melted marshmellows out of her hair.   
  
"Nothin," cackled Phoebe, "just messin' around. How's your House lookin'?  
  
"Oh! It's very.. um.. colorful," replied Tara.  
  
"I can see that," snickered Phoebe, gesturing towards Tara's hyper-colored robes.  
  
"Yours is looking very nice too," complimented Tara on Phoebe's dark red, sensuous robe-coloring.  
  
"Yeah I know."  
  
"Let's have a look!" said Tara, bounding into the House of the Sparkling Dogs to check it out. She gasped at all the red--it being her favorite color and all--but began to snigger once her eyes focused on the dim lighting of candles in the corners; random velvet and satin pillows spread all about.  
  
"What?" demanded Phoebe.   
  
"Well, I was just wondering," said Tara formally, "when the Playboy shoot begins in here?"  
  
Phoebe thwacked her over the head, but Tara only snorted harder. Eventually the giddy girl finally snapped back into it, something on the ceiling catching her eye.  
  
"What's DROL?" she asked, her neck bent at a complete right angle to the words above her head.  
  
"What?" Phoebe scratched her armpit, looking where Tara looked. "Oh! This happened when Ron and I fell out of a chair. I had his wand in my hand--his REAL wand (as Tara began to snort)--and when we hit the ground it went off and accidentally wrote those letters."  
  
"Are you sure it was an accident?" said Tara eerily.  
  
"Well DROL means nothing to us, so it has to be."  
  
"Hm."  
  
"Or maybe," said Phoebe expressively, "just maybe.. it was MEANT to happen. But what does it mean!"  
  
"Dunno," replied Tara thoughtfully.   
  
Their deep thoughts were interrupted by a loud slapping noise in the bedroom. Together the girls went to see what the matter was, and found Christian and Satine, on opposite sides of a bed, gripping either end of a blanket.   
  
"He is NOT sleeping in here!" Satine shrieked, yanking on her side of the blanket. She was glaring wildly at Ewan, who lay on the floor sleeping soundly and looking pretty beat up.  
  
"What happened to him?" whispered Tara.  
  
"Legolas harrassed him," whispered Phoebe in return.   
  
"Why!"  
  
"Perhaps he mistook Ewan for a palm tree."  
  
"Very funny."   
  
"Of course he is!" yelled Christian back to Satine, a red handprint visible on his face where she had obviously whacked him. "I'm not gonna let my own brother sleep in some filthy bath!"  
  
"He can sleep with the pigs for all I care!" shot Satine.  
  
"We have pigs?" asked Christian, surprised.  
  
"It's just an expression. He is NOT staying!"   
  
"YES HE IS!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"WHORE!"  
  
Satine dropped the blanket, her jaw slacked in shock. She looked at Phoebe and Tara, who were standing in the door watching, and made a twisted face as if to say "can you believe him!?"  
  
Tara's eyes shifted and she cleared her throat, nudging Phoebe with an elbow, and Phoebe spoke up hesitantly, "Well I mean, you are.. you know...it's... well.."  
  
"Ugh!" Satine interrupted, tearing the blanket out of Christian's hand and balling it up. "LOSER!" she screamed at him.  
  
Christian's mouth dropped open, and he lifted a shaky arm and pointed a disbelieving finger at her. He covered his mouth with the other hand to express his shock and dismay. "You promised you wouldn't..."  
  
"I LIED!" Staine shrieked. "You poor, filthy loser! And you're a BAD WRITER!"  
  
Everyone gasped.   
  
Ewan shot out of his dead sleep to stare in complete disbelief at Satine. "Blasphemy." He moved his mouth to the word, but didn't actually say it.  
  
Chrstian cried silently, his mouth still unhinged, his finger still weakly pointed at her. Satine threw the balled-up blanket at Christian and folded her arms over her chest in triumph. The blanket landed on his head, spilling over his shoulders and making him look like a nun.  
  
"I.. can't.. believe...you!" he said hoarsely. "You said I had talent!"  
  
"Yes," said Satine sadistically, "in SOME aspects you do; but you couldn't write a decent line to save yourself!"  
  
Again everyone shuffled a step backwards as if they were being threatened with a fiery sword, mouths all agape, eyes all wide and shocked. Phoebe's fists balled up at this terrible insult to her love-bunny.  
  
Suddenly she hurled herself in a frenzy of flying limbs toward the courtesan--hair falling out and eyes blackening before anything could be prevented.  
  
Just then, a choked scream came from the main room. Everyone was so disturbed by its brutality, that they all moved (Phoebe and Satine untangling their hands from one another's throats) to see the cause of it.  
  
As they walked into the room, they saw Ron standing in the doorway looking completely stunned--obviously he was the one who screamed. But what he was staring at was twice as unnerving: a regular-looking man with big sunglasses on a scruffy face was standing in the middle of the floor. He observed everyone with the greatest of interest, and some fondness it seemed, though no one could be sure where his hidden eyes were roaming. Finally his head stopped circulating and turned toward Tara and Phoebe, who could scarcely believe their eyes.  
  
"Hello," he said in a soft, friendly voice that jolted everyone's sanity. "This is a beautiful room! Darker than most. Well, this is a beautiful planet," he mused aloud, seeming unaware of the effect he had on his startled watchers. "Bright, though."  
  
"Who.. who are you?" breathed Ron. "You just.. just.. came out of nowhere!"  
  
"No," replied the stranger. "I took a beam of light. That one there." He pointed to a stream of sunlight that was slipping through one of the windows and hitting the floor like a spotlight.   
  
"It can't be," whispered Phoebe, barely moving her mouth.  
  
The stranger looked at the girls again and smiled, sincere and radiant dimples showing on either side of his face.   
  
Tara and Phoebe gulped loudly.   
  
"I've been waiting to see you!" said the man cheerfully. "I'm glad you called!" He pointed up to the words on the ceiling that didn't, after all, read 'DROL'-- as it was in messy cursive, they saw that it actually read 'PROT.'  
  
"It's.. It's.. Kevin Spacey," said Tara, her chest caving in, her face frozen in a state of shock.  
  
"No," said Phoebe, in the same disposition, "It's.....it's Prot." 


	14. Prot's Message

And so it was indeed--Prot, played by and looking like Kevin Spacey in the movie K-Pax. ((Brief background info: the characters of Tara and Phoebe--inspired by the real life beings of Tea and Phoebe--are fierce admirers of Kevin Spacey and his work, thus making this experience life-altering and heavenly. Back to the show.))  
  
Therefore, life-altered and feeling heavenly, the two girls passed out for lack of a better reaction.  
  
When they awoke about half an hour later, they found themselves laying in spider-web hammocks (made by Spider-man before he left) just opposite eachother in the outer forest. In a clearing a few yards away, they could see all the Family gathered around in a circle with a speaker in the middle whom they didn't even have to guess was.   
  
"Well," said Phoebe, stretching and easing out of the hammock, "I suppose we should go and greet our new guest."  
  
"Indeed," replied Tara, coming to her senses. "Our NEW guest. Ahhh."  
  
When they approached the crowd, they could hear Prot giving everyone a detailed description of his home planet, K-Pax. Everyone, the students from Hogwarts especially, was asking all sorts of questions, all of which Prot answered quite easily. Everyone was transfixed with the seemingly normal being speaking to them, and he seemed quite nonchalant to all the different creatures.   
  
"Ah! Our friends are back!" he said warmly, addressing Phoebe and Tara who dreamily moved to the middle to greet him.  
  
"I'm Phoebe," said Phoebe.  
  
"And I'm Tara," said Tara.  
  
"And we're so happy you could join us, Prot!" said Phoebe and Tara.   
  
Then Prot gave them a short, but enchanting recap of all that had happened while they lay unconscious. The girls noticed as well that Ewan and Legolas stood next to each other with no hard feelings. Christian and Satine also stood next to eachother without resentment, as did Aragorn and Pippin. It just warmed the cockles of Tara and Phoebe's hearts to see this. (Although they did actually sometimes enjoy all the squabbling.)  
  
"I have some things to discuss with you," said Prot after a while.  
  
"Oh?" said Phoebe.  
  
"Yes, it concerns the former members of your Family--Zidler and Toulouse--I believe?"  
  
"Oh yeah!" said Tara suddenly. "Those guys have been missing for ages!"  
  
"Yes, well it seems they ran off with Spider-man and Chickie, stuffing themselves in the trunk when no one was looking."  
  
"Oh. Heh."  
  
"At any rate, I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that they're safely in Australia, nowhere near their real-life counterparts....or Russell Crowe."  
  
"Well that's a relief," said Phoebe.   
  
"Hey I wouldn't mind Rusty's autograph," confessed Tara.  
  
"There is a problem, however." Prot looked cautious.  
  
"What's wrong?" asked Tara, realizing that everyone was watching the three of them talk without so much as a flickering eyelash.  
  
"How come we can never get them to listen to US like this?" grumbled Phoebe under her breath.  
  
"It's the power of Spacey, baby," replied Tara.  
  
"Spacey?" Prot said curiously, obviously overhearing.  
  
"Uh, yes," Tara replied, uncertainly.  
  
"Well I have come to discuss an issue of 'space,' but most likely you are refering to my actor-part; a man by the name of Kevin Spacey?"  
  
The girls gasped. "Wow! How do you know that?"  
  
"Well I know lots of things," he replied with a smile, taking out of his pocket a pretty used-up pencil and a small notepad. He began to scribble some notes.  
  
"Amazing," said Phoebe appreciatively, "we just can't get the others to see the importance of them not being found. They don't seem to realize that there's a twin out there for them all, and how weird and chaotic it would be if they found eachother!" She quickly glanced at Obi-Wan, Ewan McGregor, and Christian who all stood next to eachother without a problem. "Well, except for them," she added.  
  
"Indeed," said Prot distantly as he continued to scrawl notes. "Well I come bearing a new Task."  
  
"A new Task!" exclaimed Tara.  
  
"Yes. By the way," Prot shuffled, glancing around, "which one of you has my hankie?"  
  
"Oh, me," said Phoebe, slipping the cloth out of her bra. "Here you go. It's been very helpful."  
  
"Excellent," said Prot, stuffing it into his pants. "I put it here to take my place because I knew I wouldn't make the Sorting."  
  
"Ah," said Tara, confused. "So, Prot... why are they all here? I mean, how did they get out of their films?"  
  
"I can't answer that," Prot responded. "But I can tell you how to deal with it."  
  
"Is this our 'Task'?" asked Phoebe.  
  
"Yes," he replied. "The reason they popped out of their films is simply some inevitable cosmic fluke." At this he paused, looking at them squarely. "Are you familiar with The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy?"  
  
"Oh yes!!" exclaimed Phoebe, though Tara went kinda quiet and bashful that she was behind the times in that area.  
  
"Well then you won't be surprised by how much sense it doesn't make," Prot continued. "You're well prepared. Anyway, you're given a vital Task, but only you two specifically can handle it."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because no one in the world has seen or become obsessed with as many great movies as you have."  
  
The girls blushed.  
  
"Geez, I never thought that watching Lord of the Rings twenty times in one pop could bring me so much trouble," said Tara.  
  
"And I never thought that watching Moulin Rouge in rewind, and then a few times with subtitles, and then a few times in rewind with subtitles would bring ME so much trouble," confessed Phoebe.  
  
"Right. Well whatever the case, you are charged with a very important mission. You have to return these characters safely to their films!" Prot looked urgent, and then.. not really.   
  
"What?! How!" said Phoebe, stunned.  
  
"Yeah! Why? Where? When?!" demanded Tara, looking outraged. "We don't want them to leave!"  
  
"Now don't get so wired," said Prot assuringly, "you don't have to depart from them at all! Once you figure out how to return them to their homes, you can go and visit them in their worlds any time you want."  
  
"REALLY?!"  
  
"Yes, really. If you want to visit Hogwarts school of Magic, you can just jump right in! If you would like to see up-close Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon battling it out with Darth Maul, it will be possible. If you want to join the Fellowship of the Ring, you can."  
  
The girls were beside themselves with joy.  
  
"But I must warn you," continued Prot regretfully, "that it will be some time before this is accomplished."  
  
The girls deflated somewhat.  
  
"There is a Task within this Task," he continued. "You know the three that have been missing since the beginning?"  
  
"Saruman, Dr. Frank, and the Green Goblin?"   
  
"Yes. They have been conspiring and planning an attack on mankind."  
  
"Oh my god!" shrieked Tara, running around the circle in a panic. Only when Prot rested a hand gently on her shoulder did she stop and almost melt. Almost, now. Not entirely.  
  
"It will be okay," he whispered softly.   
  
The girls went all tingly.  
  
"How are they going to attack?" asked Phoebe.  
  
"When?" asked Tara.  
  
"How?" asked Phoebe.  
  
"Where?" asked Tara.  
  
Prot just looked at them behind his dark glasses, amused.  
  
"It's like this girls," he said good-naturedly, "I can't tell you any of that, only that you will prevail. It's your destiny! What you were meant to do!"  
  
The girls got all proud and puffy-chested.  
  
"I only came here to warn you, but I must go soon," Prot said, with some reluctance.  
  
"AWwwWWwWW!"  
  
"I know, I know," he lamented, "but duty calls. Hey.... you got any fruit?"  
  
Everyone but Phoebe and Tara looked confused by the question.   
  
"Hey Prot," said Tara a bit shyly, "is there any way that we can, you know... pop into the movie K-Pax?"  
  
Prot just smiled a toothy smile, his eyebrows lifting over his glasses in a gesture of amusement.  
  
"Excuse me, I have beam of light to catch," he said, and hopping into a particularly small splotch of the fading sunlight, he disappeared completely.   
  
Everyone looked astonished, except for Phoebe and Tara, who looked ready to burst.  
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!" Phoebe screamed suddenly.  
  
"Whoo!! I know! KEVIN SPACEY!" Tara cheered, shaking her booty in some weird, inhuman dance.  
  
Phoebe paused to watch Tara distort herself, then yelled, "NO! NOT THAT! We have to defeat the bad guys, Tara! *US*! That's ME and YOU! How WRONG is that?"  
  
"Why is that so wrong?!"  
  
"Because.... WE ARE IDIOTS! We can't be given this responsibility. It's huge!"  
  
Christian shuffled.   
  
"Not you," remarked Phoebe.  
  
"What responsibility?" replied Tara. "Sounds like fun to me!"  
  
"Well," said Phoebe, "at least ONE of us is the idiot."  
  
Tara just continued wriggling around, eyes all glossy, obviously not catching Phoebe's sarcasm.  
  
Just then Prot suddenly reappeared, scaring the bejeezus out of everyone.  
  
"You're back!!" they squealed, all running to hug him.  
  
"No, no!" said Prot hurriedly, "I have to leave again! I just came back because I forgot to tell you something important... what's wrong, Tara?"  
  
Tara paused from her version of the Funky Chicken-Monkey-Quail Dance. "I'm dancing!" she exclaimed proudly.  
  
"Oh," replied Prot, lifting a brow. "Dancing? Right."  
  
Phoebe snickered.  
  
"Anyway," he continued, "what I came back to say was that you two have new names!"  
  
"New names?"  
  
"Yes! Also, if you like, you can rename all the other people here as well. But that might get confusing for our readers." Prot motioned toward you who are reading this now.  
  
"That's true," agreed Phoebe. ((Everyone pauses to look through your moniter and wave.))  
  
"But it is no longer safe for you to use your real names," Prot continued importantly.  
  
"Who says?"  
  
"The higher powers of the universe over which none has control!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Also," Prot added with more urgence, "make sure to stay away from any waterhoses and sprinklers."  
  
The girls nodded comprehendingly, but everyone else looked even more confused.  
  
"So what kind of names?" inquired Phoebe. "Do we get to pick them?"  
  
"No; here they are"--at this point he tossed them a sheet of paper from his notebook--"I have to go, I'm extremely late!"  
  
"Late for what?" asked Tara, trying to keep him there as long as possible.  
  
"Well this situation that's happening here with you all," he said, motioning toward the firmly-made circle of *movie* characters, "is also happening at this exact moment in another place!"  
  
"Oh! Where? Who are the other characters?" inquired Phoebe excitedly.  
  
"I don't have an entire report just yet," Prot admitted, "but so far I've seen people like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas, and the narrator from Fight Club--oh, and also I glimpsed Austin Powers!"  
  
"Hmm." Phoebe wondered about all this. "Where is this all happening?"   
  
"I can't talk! I must go! Take care of yourselves! REMEMBER MAXIMUS!"   
  
And all too quickly, Prot was gone for good.  
  
Everyone was in a state of wonderment, none more so than the girls.  
  
"Remember Maximus?" repeated Phoebe, confused. ((Maximus--yes, the one from Gladiator--was killed by Commodus in an unfortunate incident with a Twix bar in one of the earlier chapters of this story. After he died, he levitated off the ground and mysteriously disappeared out of thin air. No one knows why.))  
  
"How could we forget?" grumbled Tara.   
  
"I wonder what he means by that."  
  
"Yeah so do I, but he said we'd figure it out when the time comes.. so don't worry."  
  
"Hm. Tara.. I'm worried."  
  
"SO let's have a look," said Tara hastily, picking up the piece of paper Prot had thrown to them. She turned it upside-down, sideways, upside-down, completely over, then upside-down again before Phoebe got fed up and took it.  
  
"It goes like this," Phoebe grumbled, turning it right-ways. "Hmm.. Okay.. I see a grocery list here." She squinted, trying to read the tiny handwriting. "Ah! Bananas, kiwi, new pencil, strawberries, orange peelings.."  
  
"Orange peelings?" said Tara curiously.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What about the orange?"  
  
"Who knows, man? Ah, here it is! Our new names are..."   
  
And she dropped the paper in an immense fit of giggling. Tara lifted the sheet, narrowing her eyes to read it, then suddenly she too was in an uncontrollable state of snickerage.   
  
"Well, what are they?" asked Gandalf impatiently, taking the piece of paper and reading it aloud. "Tara's new name is Bored Teafect... and Phoebe's new name is Zaphoeb Pheeblebrox. Hm, seems discreet to me. What's so funny about that?"  
  
But the girls were busy slapping their thighs in wheeze-filled laughter.  
  
"Ooookay," said Gandalf, looking at them like they were nuts.... which they are. "Now the rest of you! Back to work! We can do nothing more here than wait for it to come to us. We will defeat EVIL!" (The crowd 'hurrahs!') So let's move along! Chop chop!"   
  
And Gandalf patted a few people on the bottoms to speed them along, leaving the girls to their snorting contest. 


	15. Snape and the Missing Hobbits

Simply put: life resumed. For days the girls and the movie-folk waited for some sign, or flat-out explanation of what to do, but no more aliens came out of the light to give directions. No more owls came bearing messages.  
  
And then suddenly one day, Hermione had an idea. Wow.  
  
"Ladies! I know what to do," she said excitedly one day to Phoebe and Tara who, for the first time in their lives, were playing a game of Wizard's Chess.  
  
"You dirty skag," growled Tara when Phoebe's Bishop whacked the snot out of her Knight.  
  
"Looks like I'm gonna win this one," said Phoebe triumphantly, eyes glued sadistically to the board.  
  
"Hold on, what's that?" said Tara ominously, eyes also to the board. "Did you just ask me to kick your ass?"  
  
Phoebe snorted.  
  
Hermione bent to Tara's ear and coughed lowly to get her attention. Tara mistook her for an annoying buzzing insect and instinctively swat roughly with the back of her hand. Hermione fell down on her bum, clutching her face and grunting. The girls were absorbed in their game, so neither noticed Herm's delimma, much less looked up.  
  
Hermione was in a fit when she scrambled to her feet, and slammed down on the chess board, knocking everyone out of their spots. Phoebe and Tara scrambled up with deer-in-headlights expressions on their faces.  
  
"Why did--"  
  
"How could!--"  
  
"What--"  
  
"I was winning!"  
  
"No you weren't!"  
  
"YOU DIRTY WITCH!" they howled together, tackling Hermione mercilessly.  
  
"What's all this?!" Ron barked, he and Aragorn dashing to stop the fray.  
  
Aragorn pried Tara's fists from Hermione's side, as Ron plucked a wildly kicking Phoebe from Hermione's head. Hermione lay with a grisly look on her face (which was smeared with dirt, her large teeth stuffed with twigs) and said weakly, "I was just going to say...  
  
"Shh! Don't talk!" said Ron in a panic, grasping Phoebe around the waist as her legs went up over her head. "Try to relax! Don't panic!"  
  
"Why can't she talk?" asked Aragorn, holding Tara back in that painful 'l'll break your arm if you try to escape' move. Tara, meanwhile, spent most of her time attempting to find Aragorn's kingly jewels and kick them in.  
  
"Um, I don't know," said Ron sheepishly and he collapsed to the ground with Phoebe wriggling too wildly to hold. He lay on top of her, blushing furiously. At that precise moment, Christian came tumbling into the scene. When he caught Ron wedged suspiciously over Phoebe, his eyes narrowed to slits.  
  
"Foul play!?" he spat.  
  
"Oh, no!" said Phoebe desperately, tossing Ron aside and scrambling to her feet. "Teafect and I were just beating the life out of Hermione, that's all. And Ron and Aragorn were kind enough to stop us..."  
  
"You expect me to believe that fully-clothed in the arms of another man in a FOREST, you were fighting with some chick!?"  
  
"Um.. yes."  
  
"Oh, okay. Cool."  
  
As Christian took this moment to absorb this, Phoebe lunged again at Hermione. "I was winning!" she screeched psychotically, but both Christian and Ron intercepted, each gathering one of her arms. Phoebe stopped moving suddenly, smiling dreamily from one shoulder to the next at the fine young gents at her sides.  
  
Tara might have shot her a somewhat jealous look and said something like 'clever witch,' but she was too busy harrassing Aragorn while no one was looking.  
  
Besides, Hermione had that 'I'm going to kill you, Pheeblebrox, in this lifetime or the next!' look down pact on account of her intense jealousy of Ron and Phoebe's special relationship. (Mwahah, oh what a tangled web we weave.... anyway.)  
  
"What happened?" demanded Christian.  
  
"Well," began Phoebe, "Teafect was losing horribly at our first game of Wizard's Chess, and--"  
  
"Losing? ME? Never!" boomed Tara.  
  
"Oh please! You tried to use your thumb in place of the Queen!"  
  
Tara huffed, but didn't say anything.  
  
"Well anyway, this little gnat came and interrupted us, saying she had an idea to solve our miserable problem of getting you all back home and--"  
  
"Wait, what?" interrupted Ron.  
  
"I SAID--"  
  
"No we heard you," said Christian curiously, "but let's hear what the girl has to say."  
  
Hermione climbed to her feet and glared. Yanking a blade of grass from between her front teeth, she calmly, but spitefully said, "As I was saying. I figured out how we can get started." Everyone waited for her to brush the worms from her hair; some found themselves wondering if they'd been there prior to her hitting the ground. "We can send an owl."  
  
"An owl?" asked Aragorn, who finally composed himself after Tara's merciless pinching and prodding assault on his buttocks.  
  
"Yes," said Hermione with a superior air. "We can send a message via an owl. It's so simple.. don't know why I hadn't thought of it before."  
  
"A message to WHOM?" yelled Phoebe impatiently.  
  
"Well that's what I came here to figure out," snapped Hermione. "Who do you think could help us the most?"  
  
"Gandalf!" exclaimed Tara excitedly.  
  
Everyone glared.  
  
"Gandalf is already here, swifty," grumbled Phoebe.  
  
"Oh. Oh yeah. Well let's try...... YODA!"  
  
"Bless you," said Ron.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"What? No! We can't bother HIM!" said Phoebe, looking shocked at the suggestion. "This is OUR problem. We can't be bothering the wisest, possibly most helpful individual of all--that would be rude. Not to mention terribly smart, and involving an actual plot to our story."  
  
"Um, right. Bad idea. Well... hmm. How about.."  
  
"Owl?" interrupted Christian.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Did you say we're going to send an owl?" said Christian, as it just dawned on him.  
  
"Yes! Owls are capable of safely delivering messages!" Hermione yelled. "A little behind in the game aren't we, garcon?" ('Garcon' was a nickname for Christian Hermione had taken up early on in an effort to tick Phoebe off.)  
  
"Don't snap at my lover!" yelled Phoebe back at Hermione, who turned bright pink.  
  
"Your LOVER!" she roared. "I thought RoOon was your boyfriend!"  
  
Christian almost had a heart attack. "What? No!"  
  
"I am?" said Ron, bewildered.  
  
"No!" Phoebe glowered at Hermione. "Well, not yet anyway."  
  
Aragorn, taking it upon himself to disturb this little spat, ahem-ed really loudly and said, "I think we should call a Family Meeting, and see what the majority has to say about the owl idea."  
  
Everyone paused to dislodge themselves from the temptation of bitter outbursts and scathing comments, and agreed.  
  
Once the meeting was called, everyone pitched in their two cents, some even daring to pitch in three cents, but were quickly snuffed. Finally, it was Commodus (of all people) who introduced what would be the final decision.  
  
"Why don't we send it to...Maximus?" he said gruffly, as if it annoyed him, which it did.. very much. I mean, it REALLY annoyed him.  
  
At first everyone laughed it off.  
  
"What? Maximus is dead!" joked Harry.  
  
"Yeah! What are we going to do, ask his dead body for directions to the nearest Jack-in-the-Box?" added Merry, thoroughly cracking himself up.  
  
"No, wait," said Gandalf quickly. "The little tyke has a point."  
  
"Little tyke?" muttered Commodus. "I'll remember that, old man."  
  
"We don't actually know where his body is," continued Gandalf, ignoring Commodus. "So it could very well be within our reach, if he even IS truly dead."  
  
Everyone paused thoughtfully.  
  
"You know, the wizard has a point," admitted Obi-Wan.  
  
"What! The -wizard-? It was My Idea," growled Commodus, his patience in this entire situation clearly running low.  
  
"Okay then, someone get pen and paper and find a mail-delivering owl," said Phoebe hastily.  
  
Qui-Gon observed Commodus' increasingly foul mood, and stuffed a couple of Prozac pills into a jelly donut, which he then gave to Commodus, who then ate it in one bite.  
  
When pen and paper and an owl familiar with sending messages was found, a letter was transcribed by Christian from the pitching-ins of all:  
  
'Dear Maximus Decimus Meridias, are you really dead? If not, please respond and tell us what happened to you. If so, please respond and tell us what happened to you. Thanks, the Family.'  
  
Satisfied with the outcome, they wrapped it in an envelope that read 'To: The Spaniard; From: The Rest of the Movie and Book Characters Stuck on Present-Day Earth, Minus Commodus Who Still Hates You.'  
  
Informing the owl (whose name was Hickory on account of Obi-Wan's favorite steak sauce) of where to go, the letter was soon on its way. They all watched Hickory until he could no longer be seen in the sky, then all sighed, and went back to doing whatever it is they do.  
  
Two days later, a response finally came. Of course no one actually remembered that they had even sent the letter, except for Phoebe and Tara of course; they who carried the weight of the world on their shoulders. Or, at least, just this terrible story.  
  
When Hickory returned, the girls were jumping their stress away on a large trampoline with Samwise, Frodo, Ron, and Ewan. Satine and Hermione sat on a picnic table not far from the others; Satine was busy setting Hermione's frazzled hair into corn rows.  
  
"That'll teach it to stay down," Satine insisted, making Hermione look like a ghetto homie. While Satine was doing her hair, Hermione was reading aloud from her Potions book in an effort to teach Satine how to brew certain spells. She also talked a bit about her Potions teacher Severus Snape, who was made out to sound like Satan himself.  
  
"Ooh, he sounds delightful," Satine agreed, obviously not listening to a thing Hermione was saying.  
  
"Hey Ron, double-bounce me!" shouted Ewan gleefully from one end of the trampoline to the red-haired boy wobbling on the other.  
  
"Alright then!" replied Ron, trying to stay on his feet. "Do you think you girls could help me out?" he asked shyly, meaning that they 'double-bounce' him first so he could REALLY bounce Ewan off the face of the earth with his landing.  
  
"Sure!" they replied, and taking either side of Mr. Ron Weasley, the girls gathered speed jumping up and down with all their might at the same time, sending Ron flying feet into the air. Ron landed right next to Ewan (who was squatting eagerly), and he immediately flew so high into the sky he was momentarily forgotten.  
  
"I think I'm gonna be sick," came Samwise's grim voice from the edge of the trampoline, where he was gripping the springs with white knuckles and hanging over sea-sickly.  
  
"Come on, Sam, it'll be okay," encouraged Frodo, who sat beside him with his legs dangling between the springs, simply sitting peacefully on the outer bar, looking cute as ever Frodo has looked.  
  
"Why don't you jump, Sam?" asked Phoebe, rolling over to his side.  
  
"I've never been on one of these before," he replied, his cheeks puffing and his lips twisting in an effort to keep from throwing up.  
  
"This is quite nice," said Frodo cheerfully, patting Samwise on the back. "I rather like this better than the Fun Jump. Tell me.. why are Men so infatuated with jumping?"  
  
"I don't know," shrugged Phoebe. "Perhaps it's because Men enjoy the sensation of feeling like they can fly."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No idea."  
  
"Well that sounded convincing, anyway."  
  
And at that moment Ewan finally came down, landing flat on his back on the surface of the trampoline and flying up again.. but not quite so high, and falling back down on his side, only to bounce again, and again, doing all sorts of flips, before finally the law of gravity claimed him.  
  
He lay on his back, staring dreamily into the sky. Then something caught Tara's eye--a few feathers that sprinkled the area under which Ewan was laying.  
  
"Ewan... are you molting?" she asked curiously, cartwheeling over to see what exactly was going on.  
  
"Am I molting?" he repeated laughingly. "Maybe. There is a rather painful stabbing sensation in my back. I suppose I dislodged my spine going so high..."  
  
"Or not," said Phoebe quickly, noticing a crinkled claw poking out from Ewan's side where a bird had obviously been smashed. "Ewan, get up!"  
  
When the man finally got up, they could see Hickory the Owl all crunched up like an animal cookie, holding a small letter in his beak. Weakly, he sputtered the letter at them with a wheezy cough.  
  
Ron ran down and scooped the owl up lovingly, reviving him while the girls examined the note.  
  
"Hmm, I think it IS from Maximus," said Tara.  
  
"It has to be," added Phoebe. "Who else would address their envelope 'To: The Family, Minus Commodus Who is Still a Whiney Sister-Porking Spoiled Brat Who Can't Fight'?"  
  
"You're right. Well open it!"  
  
When Phoebe tore it open, the letter was short and sweet:  
  
'Yes, I died but I'm back in Gladiator. Your owl came when I was in the scene at the end of the movie; except everyone was freaking out because Commodus suddenly wasn't there anymore. Please bring him back so I can kill him and bleed to death, and set the world back in order. Thanks, M.'  
  
Phoebe and Tara were mysteriously silent for a while, pondering this puzzle.  
  
"So.." began Tara.  
  
"So," interrupted Phoebe.  
  
"SO then," continued Tara..  
  
"You're right!" exclaimed Phoebe.  
  
"What's going on?" asked Ron and Ewan, who were trying to comprehend the girls' twitching eyebrows and wiggling noses.  
  
"We figured out how to get you all back to your movies!" they yelled anxiously.  
  
"Oo! How's that?"  
  
"It's actually so simple," said Phoebe in a flurry of excitement, "we just have to KILL YOU!"  
  
At those last words, which weren't intended to sound quite so ominous, the forest went deadly quiet.  
  
"But Pheeblebrox," said Tara in a small voice, "we can't just.. kill them all. That would be.. um.. weird. And.. depressing. But most importantly, it would make me feel bad."  
  
Ron quietly backed away from the girls, whispering to Frodo and Sam, who then scrambled off of the trampoline and ran as far as possible at full speed.  
  
Naturally the two hobbits and Ron spread the word about their new fate, and when a Family Meeting was called no one showed up. Tara, Ewan, and Phoebe searched the forest for just a single soul, and found nothing. Then they searched the Houses and it wasn't until the last one--The House of the Magic Markers--that they were found. When they entered, the lights were off and there wasn't so much as a peep to be heard. But when the lights came on, Phoebe and Tara screeched and jumped on Ewan--all the movie-folk were standing against the back wall, each holding a different weapon and staring fearfully toward the three in the doorway.  
  
"Back away, you devils!" yelled Samwise feebly, waving a spatula heroically, and pausing every now and then to scratch his back with it.  
  
Legolas stood on the edge holding his bow ready to strike, except Gandalf took away his arrows, so in place of them he had a set of crooked, unwound clothing hangers.  
  
"We demand an explanation!" many said, waving their assorted weapons; some holding plastic knives, others holding candy corn.  
  
"Wait," came a calm, delicious voice. "We will support you!"  
  
Christian and Obi-Wan emerged from the crowd; Christian standing by Phoebe's side, Obi-Wan standing by Tara's, and Ewan already between them.  
  
Phoebe and Tara looked at eachother with immense pride, now knowing how it feels to have three Ewans at the same time.  
  
"Calm down, now, just stay calm," said Ewan soothingly to the angry bunch. "We don't know what's happening yet. I'm sure you've already read the letter from Maxi, but we don't really know what it means. We're not going to KILL you! Come on!"  
  
Everyone looked suspicious, but some sighed in relief and tossed away their threatening yo-yo's and hairbrushes.  
  
"What we need," said Tara, "is some sort of Test."  
  
Everyone backed away again, except for Commodus who, holding Harry Potter by the ear, came into the middle of the room. He tossed Harry on the floor, and immediately Ron and Hermione came out to raise hell.  
  
"What do you think you're doing!?" yelled Ron, pulling out his wand.  
  
"YEAH! You can't treat Harry this way, you monster!" shrieked Hermione, doing the same.  
  
Commodus snarled. "Oh, I won't hurt the child..."  
  
Ron and Hermione just held their wands steady, eyeing him mistrustfully. Then before anybody could say "belgium," Commodus rammed a pitchfork through Harry's chest. There was a disturbing amount of chaos after that; some screaming bloody murder, some casting a jillion spells that bounced all over the room, and some playing the Xbox in the corner.  
  
"COMMODUS!!?" roared Phoebe and Tara, as the life slowly left Harry Potter. Commodus laughed hysterically, his hand still gripping the boy's arm. And when Harry's eyes closed in a final farewell, both he and Commodus disappeared instantly.  
  
Everyone was gasping, stunned into silence.  
  
"But where did Commodus go?" Phoebe pounced around worriedly, storming over the room lifting pillows and furniture as if expecting to find him hiding. "He didn't die, he wasn't supposed to disappear too! What could've happened, Teafect?"  
  
Tara looked pale as ever. She may have glowed in the dark. "You got me, Pheeblebrox. No clue."  
  
"Well, Harry must have gone back to Hogwarts, naturally, but... Commy?"  
  
"Maybe he went with him," said a familiar, gratingly snide voice that didn't belong to anyone present. Everyone stared around, unable to locate the source.  
  
"Who's there?" asked everyone else.  
  
A sour-faced man dressed in black suddenly appeared in the center of the room, holding a curious-looking cloak.  
  
"That's Harry's Invisibility Cloak!" shrieked Ron.  
  
"And that's.... Professor Snape!" gasped Hermione, her jaw hanging.  
  
"Alan Rickman!" yelled Tara, getting no reaction.  
  
"I have been following since you received the owl from Hogwarts," Snape said, savoring every shocked expression he received. "With the help of Mr. Potter's Cloak, I've been able to gather some pretty interesting information. When Dumbledore's three -favorite- students suddenly disappeared, I thought I might do a little detective work of my own." Everyone listened to him intently except for Phoebe, Tara, Ron, and Hermione, who looked horrified. "Then of course I got sucked into this horrible world myself while I was using the cloak. No idea how it happened, but never mind... you'd be surprised the secrets I have since found," he sneered. "The things I heard when you all thought no one was around!" Everyone gulped.  
  
"Alan Rickman!" yelled Tara, again getting no reaction.  
  
"What are you going to do?" asked Hermione, looking both threatened and irritated.  
  
"Oh, Miss Granger. How lovely. I see you've finally done something with that rat's nest," he cackled to himself, addressing Hermione's corn-rowed hair.  
  
Hermione flushed. "I.. I... a friend did it for me!"  
  
Then Satine--said friend--emerged from the crowd, wearing her slinkiest possible outfit. Snape stiffened, his eyebrow lifting.  
  
"Severus, is it?" Satine said sweetly, parking herself beside him. "I'm Satine.. pleasure." And she held out her hand for him to kiss it, but he just stood staring squarely at her.  
  
"I know who you are, and I know who you've done," he remarked, ignoring her bewildered glare.  
  
"Listen buck-o," grumbled Samwise, "if you've come here to start something, I think you should just leave!"  
  
Snape hissed. "Mr. Gangrene--"  
  
"Gamgee, greaseball."  
  
"Whatever. I hardly think you are one to be telling ME what to do!"  
  
"Oh yeah? What's THAT supposed to mean?" howled Phoebe, poking her chest out and balling up her fists angrily.  
  
But before Snape could retort, all four hobbits had charged after him with spoons and bottle openers.  
  
"You work for the Dark Lord!" shrieked Pippin, kicking Snape in the shins. "You won't get Frodo, you oily scab!"  
  
The hobbits proceeded to sock him like beanbag, and Snape was too shocked to do or say anything to help himself, so he fell down and received punishment from the hefty little pointy-eared creatures who indeed, beat him to Death. Everyone just watched motionlessly, not bothering to help the guy. Christian, Obi-Wan, and Ewan shared a bag of roasted peanuts.  
  
Then suddenly, Snape and all four hobbits disappeared.  
  
"Um, Pheeblebrox?"  
  
"Yes, Teafect?"  
  
"What the hell is going on, man?"  
  
"I do NOT know."  
  
"'Maybe he went with them,'" said Ron weakly. "That's what Snape said. Maybe Commodus, and the little men, and Snape, maybe they are all at Hogwarts."  
  
Tara and Phoebe looked at eachother strangely for a moment.  
  
Then, they began to scream. 


	16. Elijah and the Attack of the Stars

"Dear GOD!" cried Tara. "They're all at HOGWARTS! What does it mean?! What's going to happen? Do you think they'll be alright? Do you think this is what Prot meant by us saving mankind? What if we fail! Pheeblebrox!! What if we FAIL! What if we can never find them again, what if--"  
  
SLAP.  
  
"Pull yourself together, man!" yelled Phoebe. "Don't Panic. Haven't you learned anything!?"  
  
Tara became quiet; sulking.  
  
"So.. is.. anyone else going to die today?" Ron asked nervously.  
  
"No Ron, not today," sighed Phoebe. "I'm tired. Bah. Let's go to bed and deal with this tomorrow."  
  
As is usually the case with these strange procrastinating breeds of human, a little sleepy time helped everything. Everyone went back to their assorted Houses, dressed in their pj's (or buffness), and turned out the lights. Phoebe and Christian already had their beds pushed together to make one, but when Christian insisted that Ewan stay, Ewan lay on the other side of Phoebe. Needless to say, scantily clad in the arms of two versions of Mr. McGregor, Phoebe slept quite peacefully. (Wench.)  
  
The next morning was drizzly and lazy. Nothing out of the ordinary (save for the already out-of-the-ordinary situation) seemed to be in progress. Sure, they were now missing Harry Potter, Commodus, Pippin, Merry, Frodo, and Sam on account of a letter the long-dead Maxmius wrote followed by brief visits from Prot and Snape. But besides that, everything was in order.  
  
Or so they thought.......  
  
Phoebe slid out from between the two gorgeous men with whom she crashed during the night, causing them to cling together in absence of her body's warmth. She paused to absorb the image, smiling goofily and inwardly dying with laughter at how jealous Tara would be to see the Ewan-on-Ewan beauty of it all.  
  
She sauntered into the kitchen, clicking the "on" button of the coffee- maker; not that she necessarily drank coffee, but it seemed like an interesting morning-type thing to do. Besides, someone else might like coffee in the morning. Like Samwise, who always snuck out of his House to come for a cup.  
  
'Aww, Samwise,' she thought. 'He's gone now. Sigh.'  
  
When the coffee finished brewing, she took the pot carefully in her hands and slipped into her flip-flops with the intention of offering some to the other Houses. But when she opened the door, a spider slid across her foot. There were a number of reactions she may have had to this event, but she chose the one which caused her to jerk wildly--the coffee pot flew out of her hands and landed on someone who was already standing in the doorway. The pot shattered all over the ground, but luckily the stranger's shirt was kind enough to soak up most of the hot, steaming liquid.  
  
"Man alive!" she gasped, swatting at her foot. "I thought we got rid of those little--" She paused, realizing the presence of someone else. She stood upright and tried to adjust her eyes to the sunlight, but she could barely focus on the figure in front of her.  
  
"I'm really sorry about the coffee!" she said, exasperated. "A spider was coming at me, fangs unleashed! And I didn't see you. Sorry bout that! I have a spare shirt, if you need it..." She squinted, still trying to see who it was.  
  
"That's alright," he said timidly, wringing out his sleeves. "I do need your help though. I... I think I'm lost."  
  
"Er........." Phoebe stared, not quite sure she was seeing what she was seeing. "Frodo?" she murmered. "Frodo, s'that you? Back from Hogwarts? You... cut your hair, and.. grew taller.. and... you..."  
  
"Oh no!" the man chuckled. "I'm not Frodo, although I did play him once in a movie. My name is Elijah.. I'm really sorry I came here so early, it's just--"  
  
"I spilled coffee on Elijah Wood!" Phoebe whispered harshly. "You're.. Elijah WOOD? The REAL Elijah?" She felt faint.  
  
"Um.. yes, that I'm aware of. And.. yes.. I am wearing steaming hot coffee. My perception is just fine, and yours, eheheh?"  
  
Phoebe was very quiet for a very long time.  
  
"Pheeblebrox!!!!!" Tara's voice snapped Phoebe back into reality, and sure enough Tara was herself running and yelling across the yard toward the House where Phoebe stood. Tara mindlessly shoved Elijah Wood as she panted into the doorway. "You have to come quick! You'll NEVER GUESS who's here!"  
  
Phoebe coughed loudly, gesturing toward Elijah. Tara just blinked stupidly, glanced half-way at Elijah, and demanded Phoebe get a move on. "Come on, stop fooling around, you have to--"  
  
"Hello," interrupted Elijah, startling Tara out of her pasty skin. "My name is Elijah. I think I'm lost."  
  
Tara just stared directly at him and said without turning away, "Pheeblebrox.... I think.. we have a problem."  
  
At that moment, a man by the name of Joaquin Phoenix (not Commodus) strolled into the door. "Um, excuse me?" he said, addressing Tara. "Sorry to interrupt. Yeah.. there's someone else here, and I think--"  
  
"OH MY SWEET LORD!" Phoebe came near-death at the sight of the mesmerizing Phoenix while Tara made a 'told you so' face. Phoebe looked desperately from Elijah to Joaquin, back and forth and back and forth until finally...  
  
"Where am I?" another familiar voice came from outside, and Phoebe and Tara turned to see Sean Astin (not Samwise) standing around looking confused. "Oh, hello Elijah! Where are we?"  
  
And as Elijah Wood and Joaquin Phoenix jogged off to meet Sean Astin, chatting nervously about their new predicament, Tara and Phoebe stood looking at them ...stiff as stone, paler than.. something really white, and perhaps nauseous grey.  
  
"What's on your shirt?" Sean asked Elijah, grinning.  
  
"Ah, the girl over there spilled some coffee on me. She was cute. Said she had a spider crawling on her! Hope everything's okay. Man. Where ARE we?"  
  
Joaquin laughed, anxiously lighting a cigarette. "What IS this place?"  
  
The girls continued to stare.  
  
Just then, Gandalf emerged from the House of the Prancing Ponies. He was walking along his merry way until he spotted the group of men near the other House. Suspiciously, the wizard approached them.  
  
"Samwise? Frodo? and Master Commodus? Good gracious, where have you been? And why are you two taller? And why--"  
  
"Oi! Ian! What kind of game is this?" laughed Sean. "Nice one."  
  
"Yeah, seriously," said Elijah smirkingly, "it's not very funny. Pete put you up to this? What's going on?"  
  
Gandalf paused to stare at them for quite a long time. He shifted his gaze to observe the two girls still standing, motionless and open-mouthed, in the doorway.  
  
"Oh I see," he said softly. "The girls obviously haven't had a chance to explain something to you young gentlemen."  
  
At that moment, everyone else came out of their respective Houses and started toward the newcomers, who didn't really look like newcomers.  
  
Sean, Joaquin, and Elijah backed up against eachother, seeing lots of familiar faces with lots of people who seemed to recognize them... but for some reason, it didn't fit.  
  
Pretty soon Ewan--the first real actor to come into all this--walked up to the group and introduced himself, and told them all how splendid he thought their performances were in whatever movie of theirs he'd seen.  
  
"Thank you very much," said Elijah hesitantly, "but the real question is... what are all these people doing here?"  
  
"Oh, that," said Ewan laughingly. And at that precise moment Obi-Wan and Christian arrived, standing on either side of Ewan. Elijah, Joaquin, and Sean stared with total blankess at the three Ewans. Satine also came strolling by, pausing to look from one disturbed face to another.  
  
"I dare say," she said curiously, "you three have changed a lot since yesterday!"  
  
"Nicole!" Joaquin smiled happily, racing to give her a hug. Satine was caught off-gaurd, but accepted it, looking incredibly flushed by the handsome man who so willingly pounced her.  
  
"Well now you can call me anything you like, Monsieur...?"  
  
Joaquin looked strangely at her.  
  
"Uh, ahem, no, no Joaquin," said Ewan hurriedly, "that's not Nicole Kidman. No; see that's Satine."  
  
Joaquin lifted a brow.  
  
At that exact moment Daniel Radcliffe (not Harry Potter), Dominic Monagahn (not Merry), and Billy Boyd (not Pippin) strolled into the scene. Of course they all asked the same questions, made the same funky looks, and all that jazz.  
  
The girls Phoebe and Tara stood in the doorway, staring dumbly.  
  
"It's like this," began Ewan impatiently, taking matters into his own hands; the One Ring in his trousers obviously filling him with a new sense of power. And so, with great effort at answering ten million questions at once, he finally managed to get it through their heads all that had happened from Day One.  
  
"A shame really," lamented Radcliffe. "I should have liked to've met my...self."  
  
"Yeah," cackled Joaquin, running his fingers through his scraggly black hair and sharing another smoke with Ewan, "I'd love to meet Me."  
  
It was clear that the actors weren't buying into this, but they played along for the mere sake of it. It was just a little too ironic that the real-life counterparts of Pippin, Merry, Frodo, Sam, Harry Potter, and Commodus should suddenly turn up when the characters themselves were missing.  
  
"You haven't told us how -you- all got here," said Phoebe, backed by Tara. The two girls finally managed a grip on themselves and came out of the House to join the crowd. Phoebe glimsped Elijah's thoroughly stained shirt with a nervous gulp.  
  
"Well, I received a strange letter," began Elijah.  
  
"Hey, me too," said Sean mysteriously.  
  
"And me!"  
  
"And us."  
  
And so forth.  
  
"So you all got the same letter?" Phoebe and Tara exchanged awkward looks. "From whom?"  
  
"Didn't say. It just said that we should come here for a Superb Actors Meeting, so we came." Elijah smiled pleasently toward Phoebe, who was still purple in the face.  
  
"Strange. I wonder who sent the letter," mumbled Tara, voicing the more obvious questions and concerns of the situation, as usual.  
  
Before anyone could say or do anything else, several more actors came in from all directions. There was Nicole Kidman, Liam Neeson, Ian McKellan, Viggo Mortenson, Orlando Bloom, Russell Crowe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Jim Broadbent, and John Leguizamo.  
  
Tara and Phoebe almost shite themselves to death.  
  
"Ewan!" they screeched fearfully. "We can't handle all these sexy beasts!"  
  
Ewan just gave them a smile and motioned that they run off and hide while he take care of it. The girls were much obliged, leaving muddy foot tracks from peeling out and running into the nearest possible shelter. Immediately they whipped out their video cameras, tape recorders, digital everythings, and any other form of media on the premises. Record buttons were pressed, microphones adjusted, and positions taken as they spied on the Starfest spread out before them.  
  
It was by far the strangest thing they'd ever seen, and that's saying a lot. Before anyone could voice their disturbances, Ewan whipped out his handy-dandy megaphone and announced what exactly was going on. Everyone was shocked at first, but soon they figured it was just some Hollywood trick at their expense.  
  
The girls watched as Viggo Mortenson met Strider the Ranger, shaking hands and laughing it off. Ian McKellan approached Gandalf, laughing wholesomely and complimenting him on his "amazing likeness." Orlando Bloom went up to Legolas, and they stared lovingly into one another's eyes. Hermione and Ron clung to eachother in horror as Rupert and Emma approached them, squealing with excitement (Rupert bursted out with a mini-cam and snapped a shot of Ron, sheerly amused to see someone who looked just like him). Liam Neeson stared wordlessly at Qui-Gon for many moments before they both turned away from eachother, looking unnerved. Nicole went up to Satine and the courtesan screamed in shock; eventually they began examining each other's face suspiciously, neither bombshell quite believing what she saw.  
  
Russell Crowe, however, just stood around by himself, as his relevant character, Maximus, was already gone. John Leguizamo and Jim Broadbent, who's characters Tolouse and Zidler ran off, also stood around blandly. John scratched himself boredly.  
  
Phoebe and Tara seized the moment while everyone else was occupied and approached the Australian and two Moulin Rouge stars.  
  
After shakey introductions, they eventually explained what had happened to Maximus, Zidler, and Toulouse. The three men just kind of nodded along, hardly believing a word that was said, but going with it anyway.  
  
The girls could see Ewan getting everyone's autographs for them, and they shot him grateful looks, thinking up "special" ways with which to thank him later.  
  
Finally the time came for them to friggin' leave before any more extreme weirdness ensued.  
  
Ewan pulled out the megaphone again, coughed loudly to get everyone's attention and said, "Alright folks, it's been a pleasent evening, sorry for the mix-up and all. If you'll please go back home and pretend you never came here and saw yourselves, we'd be very much obliged. Thank you, and....ah...God bless."  
  
A murmer passed over the crowd, followed by a wave of indifferent shrugs, and slowly they began to move out. Ewan stood between Phoebe and Tara as they watched everyone go away.  
  
"Well," said Tara when John Leguizamo (last in line) finally disappeared from view, "that was... different."  
  
"No kidding," said Phoebe, her eyes glazed over and facing the direction of the famous persons.  
  
"Wait, who's that?" Ewan motioned toward a lone figure emerging from the opposite end of the trees.  
  
"Gah! It's Tobey Maguire!" exclaimed Tara as the Spider-man actor approached them, looking adorably lost.  
  
"Um, did I miss it?" he asked wearily. "It took me forever to get here." He paused and looked around. "Wait.. where am I?"  
  
"You're in the wrong place," said Phoebe, pulling out a peice of paper and scrawling Chickie's address on it. "This is where you should be."  
  
Tobey smiled gratefully. "Thank you!" He glanced at the note, which seemed to be directing him to Australia. "But--"  
  
"Yes, we know," interrupted Tara (putting off her extreme randiness). "But that's where you should go, and make sure you ask for 'Chickie'."  
  
Tobey smiled again, nodded, and pocketed the note. "Right. And.. eh.. Thanks again. Bye."  
  
And finally, he too was off. The movie-folk of the Houses were looking disgruntled as they all retreated into one House, which happened to be the House of the Sparkling Dogs.  
  
"That was odd," said Qui-Gon, still very perturbed. "He was... Me, only.. from this world. The strangest thing..."  
  
"Indeed," said Gandalf thoughtfully. "That Ian chap is very fine, indeed. I should like to call him up for tea one day."  
  
"I can't believe I look so great with blonde hair," said Satine, her eyes in tears. She was obviously referring to Nicole Kidman's cropped blonde look. "Amazing."  
  
Legolas stood in the mirror, combing at his reflection with his fingers and sighing wistfully.  
  
Aragorn looked nonchalant, as though nothing had happened. Ron and Hermione were still clinging to eachother, scared out of their wits.  
  
"What a shitty spell! Not funny at all!" spat Hermione indignantly to no one... but if Phoebe should -happen- to hear she wouldn't have minded.  
  
Alas, Phoebe did hear.  
  
"It wasn't a spell," growled Phoebe. "It was someone's idea of a good time, apparently."  
  
Tara was unnaturally quiet. "Pheeblebrox?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Hermione said 'shit.'"  
  
"I heard."  
  
"Anyway.......... I wonder who would do such a thing?" said Tara after a while.  
  
"Hmm.. maybe.. gah! Maybe it was the bad guys." A tiny light bulb shone above Phoebe's head. "Saruman, the Goblin, and Frank... Maybe they're all in on it. I mean, think about it.... Those actors never showed up."  
  
"That's true!"  
  
"I know it's true, that's why I said it! But I didn't see Willam Dafoe, or Christopher Lee, or Tim Curry."  
  
"Tim Curry is cool."  
  
"Yes, I know. But Dr. Frank is a bit nutters."  
  
"Oh no!" gasped Tara. "It was probably some evil plan made up to royally confuse us all so that they could take over the world in the meantime!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Pheeblebrox, what are we going to do?"  
  
"I'll tell you what we're going to do..."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"LEAVE THE PLANET." 


	17. The Trigger Happy Elf and the End

"Oh? Just leave the planet? Is that all?" Tara's eyes crossed in a fierce glare.  
  
"Today we pack. Let's get goin'!" said Phoebe finally (decidedly ignoring Tara the worry-wart), and everyone scattered to take care of business. Of course, when she said 'we pack' she meant only herself, Tara and select few.. and not, in fact, everyone there. At any rate, she wasn't going to worry about that until later.  
  
That night, as Phoebe slinked into bed by herself (her partners Ewan and Christian were busy packing) she felt something weird brush against her back. Nervous as all hell, she slowly sat up and twisted around, noticing an unnatural lump in the blankets. With a final gulp, she raised a mighty fist and swung it hard on said lump.  
  
"YEEEEYOOOOWWWW!!!!" it screamed furiously, the blankets flying in the air and Elijah Wood flying up.   
  
"GAH!! Elijah!"  
  
"Yes," he said breathlessly gripping his poor, harrassed side.... still wearing the coffee-stained shirt.  
  
"What are you doing here?!?"  
  
"Well if you're leaving the planet because it is going to be destroyed, I'm most certainly *not* staying here," he said simply, rubbing his belly. "I knew something was up, and I wasn't about to get left behind, buddy." He sat back, wincing.  
  
"I'm SO sorry about that!" she said, thwacking her forehead in a 'damnit, I did it again' sort of way.   
  
"No it's okay," he said humbly and shot her a groovy smile.   
  
"Can. I. Getyouanything?" she said..still surprised and excited and whacked.   
  
"Um, now that you mention it.. I could use a new shirt. This one's getting sticky."  
  
"Right you are!" she said spastically, and jumped out of the bed to peruse the nearest dresser. She eventually found a nice, comfy t-shirt with a picture of a human raisin sitting on a lawn chair with an umbrella over it's head that read 'Life's a Beach.'  
  
Phoebe hopped on the bed and tossed it to Elijah, who was in the middle of taking his ruined shirt off when Christian walked in.  
  
"I don't believe it!" he gasped at the sight of Phoebe lying in bed while Elijah stood nearby undressing.  
  
"Oh Christian, it's not what you think!" said Phoebe in a calm attempt not to laugh at how often this actually happened. "This is Elijah; he's staying."  
  
"Oh is he now?" said Christian skeptically, watching Elijah put on the clean shirt. "Ey. That's MY shirt!"  
  
"Thanks for letting me borrow," said Elijah kindly, smoothening out the wrinkles.   
  
Christian just shifted in place and shot Phoebe an anxious look.  
  
"Aw come here," she said lovingly, giving him a big juicy hug and playful pinches in ...playful places. He was like putty in her hands. And vice versa.  
  
Just then Tara stalked in, still looking bent-out-of-shape. Phoebe choked upon seeing the large antennae-hat Tara had on her head fashioned with foil.  
  
"I am NOT going to die today!" Tara spouted triumphantly.   
  
"And neither are we!" followed the voices and persons of Obi-Wan, Ewan, Ron, and Strider who all had similar hats.  
  
"What are you doing?!" Phoebe said behind hysterical giggles.   
  
"I don't know how you expect to be 'leaving the planet'," said Tara somewhat bitterly, "but I'm just being prepared for anything. Right, guys?"  
  
"Right!"  
  
Phoebe rolled her eyes... sharing a smirk with Elijah, who had also seen the movie "Signs."   
  
"Oh crapola... Come on," said Phoebe defeatedly. "Let's go, we have an announcement to make."  
  
And so the remaining characters gathered in the main room. That's Qui-Gon, Gandalf, Satine, Obi-Wan, Strider, Legolas, Ron, Hermione, Christian, Ewan, Elijah, and of course Phoebe and Tara.  
  
"Okay, first I have to say that Mr. Elijah Wood will be staying with us, so I expect that he'll be treated properly," said Phoebe sternly, making Elijah squirm with shyness at everyone looking at him.   
  
"Secondly," picked up Tara, "we've decided that some of you are going to be sent back to your natural worlds.. It's the best thing, really. "  
  
The characters all pitched individual fits and some began to complain loudly. Of course... that was just Obi-Wan and Christian.  
  
"And we can always visit you whenever we like!"  
  
The guys considered this, and nodded agreeably. Of course it was obvious that Christian and Obi-Wan weren't going anywhere, duh.  
  
"Now um.. here comes the awkward part. As has already been established... in order to return to your worlds, you have to...erm... die."  
  
Everyone drew back in shock and fear.  
  
"And I suppose you're going to do it?" said Gandalf, threateningly.   
  
"Oh chill Gandy, there's no reason to get angry," said Phoebe calmly.  
  
"Well if I'm angry it's your fault!"  
  
"Uh.. no it's not. Just listen. We're not going to kill any of you!"  
  
"Then how are we supposed to die??" urged Satine, in a high-pitched frantic voice.  
  
"Uh..... haven't got that figured out just yet, heh," said Phoebe, her voice cracking.  
  
"Hey, where's Legolas?" asked Strider, peering at the empty spot next to him. "He was just here..."  
  
But all ideas Pheeblebrox and Teafect may have had about leaving the planet were quickly snuffed out of existence. At that moment, Legolas the Deranged Elf pounced out from behind a sofa with his bow completely armed with REAL elf-arrows. Everyone dove out of their seats and shrunk together as one in front of the twinkly-eyed elf.  
  
"I'm sick of this!" he howled, waving the loaded weapon around menacingly. "It's time to go home! I've had enough. ENOUGH!!"  
  
Before anything could be done to prevent it, Legolas shot Satine straight through the head. She died instantly, and instantly disappeared back into her movie, Moulin Rouge. The elf shouted with glee at his work, and loaded a new arrow.. looking around excitedly for someone else to shuffle loose their mortal coil.  
  
Naturally, the crowd parted in fifty different ways, and Legolas was having a hard time deciding who to shoot next. Bouncing wildly from couch, to table, to loveseat, to windowsill like a mouse on crack, he finally decided to shoot Gandalf. The arrow went through one of the wizard's ears, and out the other. He died and disappeared back into Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.   
  
Sreeching and mad howling ensued, everyone scared out of their skulls as the Elf laughed and danced around bootyliciously.  
  
"Say, what was it you told me about elf-archers the other day?" a terrified Ron asked Phoebe, both dashing madly from one place to another in a crouched position to avoid being hit.  
  
"Oh, I just said that Elf hunters never miss a target," she said breathlessly, a flying vase just missing her head. "HEY!" she screamed violently. "If you kill *us* we DO NOT go into a movie-- WE DIE! So stop shooting at me!!"   
  
"AND ME!" shrieked Tara, swan-diving over and behind the couch.   
  
"Me too!" croaked Elijah, who was flopping around on his back trying to make himself a hard target to hit.  
  
"And me!" joined Ewan, trying to curl up under the coffee table at the center of the room.  
  
Legolas seemed not to hear them, however, as he let an arrow fly right past Phoebe's ear.. only it missed her and hit Qui-Gon, who disappeared into Star Wars: The Phantom Menance when he died. Obi-Wan cried out at the loss of his master, but soon forgot his grief as an arrow flew right past his rear-end and hit Hermione in the back.  
  
Ron screamed in shock as his friend hit the floor and magically disappeared back into Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. "There's getting to be less and less of us," he cried, crawling on his belly into a corner.   
  
At that moment, Legolas looked positioned to shoot Phoebe (possibly because she was flipping him off).. and so Ron dove in front of her in a knightly way; Phoebe had Christian already latched onto her ankles, with Elijah groping madly at Christian's legs. (In full, they were all connected by touching eachother.)  
  
Before another word could be uttered (or fearfully screamed) an arrow found it's way through Ron's chest and in a blurred fit of terrorized screams, all four of them disappeared into Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone; or, more precisely, Hogwarts School of Wizardry.  
  
Tara, in a heat of insane fear, threw herself behind Strider and clung to his robe like pocket lint. Obi-Wan squeaked wildly before latching onto Tara's legs; and Ewan himself wound his body around Obi-Wan and waited for The End to come.  
  
Of course Legolas hadn't planned on sparing anybody, and as all choices but one were pancaked behind Strider, he simply shot the ranger straight through the heart. All four of them disappeared at the same time into the movie Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring; or, more precisely, Middle-earth.  
  
Legolas was alone at last and screaming triumphantly, thinking proudly that he solved all the world's problems. Happy as ever, he finally shot himself and hitherto re-appeared into the Lord of the Rings movie where he belongs.   
  
((Also, this is THE END of the story! However, the Sequel is coming soon. I'm going to merge my story with a friend's; you can find her story here: http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1034037 . Thanks for reading and sit tight.... or loose.. or whatever.)) 


End file.
